Has your child ever wandered away from you in a big open crowded place – the mall, an airport a parking lot, in the Santa Claus line?

My story: When my son Matthew was four, he very quietly left our sides as his dad and I were engrossed in a cool potential purchase. Matt just up and sauntered out of a busy store into the throngs of people walking the mall. We were confident Matt was right there by one of us, until we snapped to consciousness, looked down and there was no Matt in sight. We exchanged horrifying looks of panic and bolted out of the store to search for our son, squeezing through the mobs to get across the mall. We found Matthew within minutes, but the search felt like eternity. We had followed our hunch, and sure enough, there was our Matt, sitting like the perfect preschooler quiet and cross-legged on the floor, beneath a row of TV’s, his curly head adorably tilted up, fixated on Big Bird. That is the huge moment of relief when you are torn between hugging him and yelling at him.

Kids want to do the same things we want to do in new places – roam around feeding our curiosity and gravitating to what interests us. Holiday time is extra tantalizing.  Glitzy mall decor. Larger than life airport attractions – big windows filled with runways and planes, huge signs pointing in all directions to shuttle trains, escalators and terminals.

Pro-active planning reduces the chances you will have one of those frantic, fearful events. Kids like to extend the boundaries when away from home, which makes it even more important to have your positive child discipline strategies in place.

These strategies do NOT replace a continual close watch on your child. While you are watching, your child is burning off  energy, enjoying some choices, and learning from new sights. You are having an easier time making your way through a busy place, and disciplining less!

Keep your younger kids safe (with just enough freedom) when you are on the move with

THREE SIMPLE  CONCISE CUE PHRASES

1. HOLD HANDS “When we are holding hands, I am keeping you safe in busy strange places. I will tell you when you can let go. This is maximum security, when you know it is a time to take no chances.

2. BE NEXT TO ME. “This means you cannot walk away.”  Explain  to older children “ If we are not holding hands  that means I trust you to stay next to me until I tell you it okay to do something different. “

3. BE WHERE I CAN SEE YOU “This means you can walk around nearby, a little as long as I can see you wherever you are and you can see me”. (Be sure you will be able to keep a straight line of vision to your child, and that she can  hear your voice.)

Prepare your child well in advance. Talk about the new system. Adjust the cue system according to your child’s age, stage of development and self-discipline with freedom opportunities. If your toddler has not had much experience leaving the stroller, practicing in more contained areas is a safer start.

Cue phrases work for kids and adults. Parents do not have to be tethered to their kids every second. Kids have some choice to have limited freedom to enjoy the delight of new sights. Parents are always in charge and make the judgment call about how close kids must stay.

How to Talk to your Younger Kids About the New Plan …

Preparing

“When we go to big busy places, I know you want to run and see all the interesting things to look at. First, I need to keep you safe. So we have a plan that we are going to practice and remember whenever we go places where there are a lot of people”.

“There are THREE different ways we can do it. I will tell you which the safe one is.”

“When I say ‘One, Two, Three, come back’, you must come back quickly.”

“When you listen quickly, it tells me I can let you do it again.”

Watch for the  next posting  on  best strategies for practicing these tips.

How did these tips work for you? I welcome your comments!

Ellen

Imagine that we each arrive into the world with a golden ball that is our life companion, bouncing and shimmering its way along side us throughout our lives. As we grow up, the glow of our golden ball grows brighter as our self-esteem blossoms. Through the messages we give our children, we make choices in how strong their golden balls glow. They may fade or grow ever more radiant as our loved ones develop pride in their competence. A wonderful consequence of nurturing pride is strong self-worth.

These ten tips will help your children or challenging loved ones to grow and glow ever more golden:

1. Praise even small acts of cooperation. They will glow with feeling appreciated.
2. Encourage them through their new experiences and challenges with “I believe in you” messages. They will glow with a sense of being trusted to work it out.
3. Give age and stage appropriate freedom and choices. They will glow with a sense of independence and opportunity.
4. Listen with your silence and respond without judgment. They will glow with self- respect.
5. Set guidelines and limits that are clear, fair and positive. They will glow with a sense of safety.
6. Allow your loved ones to see your mistakes and frailties. They will glow with self- acceptance.
7. Model your values for your children by living by them openly. They will glow with a sense of direction.
8. Smile and hug often and full out. They will glow with happy hearts and connectedness.
9. Honor their uniqueness, their quirks and their individuality. They will glow with creativity.
10. Help them explore what makes them proud of themselves. Invite them to tell you what makes them proud of you.They will glow with emotional intelligence.

Action Step: Bring out feelings of pride in your challenging loved one~

For the next week, plan to find daily opportunities to say “I am very proud of you!” Sincerity is supreme. Say it only when you are feeling genuinely proud. Say it with feeling. Be smiling. Be amazed. But do be yourself and say “I am VERY proud of you because — – —–!” It can be about even the teeny tiniest accomplishment. And when you start really looking, feeling proud is not hard to find.

Find out what Works: After a few days ask yourself these questions:

• Were my ‘pride statements’ novel enough to grab the attention of my child, student, or other challenging loved one?
• Has there been some noticeable behavior change?
• In what other settings or situations can I continue to nurture pride?

Case Study

My 39 year old client, Peter, who has Asperger Syndrome, is quite charming and social but was experiencing continual rejection in social settings because he would monopolize the conversation with his favorite two questions. Peter was fascinated with whales and he just loved a new audience to search out different opinions of the same factual questions: “How many species of whales are there in the world?” and “Which oceans do they live in?” Most people don’t know and are not interested in the answer, so Peter found himself sitting alone and feeling alienated after five minutes in a room. It did not matter that he already knew the answers to these questions which had been a lifetime fixation.

We designed a strategy that cues Peter to divert the questioning and instead say ” Oh! I have the answer to that question, don’t I?” What makes the strategy successful is that immediately after he stops himself from slipping into repetitive questioning, it is important to Peter to hear (from the supporting adult) his favorite praise phrase, “I am so proud of you!” Eventually Peter began to catch himself ahead of the cue. It is especially important to notice and acknowledge that type of spontaneous behavior improvement with an even more specific praise statement such as “I am so proud of you for stopping yourself! ” or “I am so proud of you for remembering you did not need to ask that question while you were at the dance!”

Keep in mind, our challenging loved ones are all unique. Find your unique way of adapting these tips.