What we Learned in Kindergarten

In pre-school, where a big chunk of the curriculum revolves around sociability, you can hear the specific details of a social behavior weaving through the daily dialogue. Listen to the teacher: “Sit in your spot and put your hands in your lap. Wait until it is your turn to speak. Raise your hand to say something.” Keep to the schedule: “It’s time to stop what you are doing. Pick up the toys. Put them neatly in their spots on the shelf. Then come sit quietly on the carpet.” There you have the clearly articulated, easily visualized micro steps that teach preschoolers to socialize, organize and ‘behave’ in a group setting. Then as academics move to the front of classroom priorities, social curriculum fades.

For our challenging loved ones, who continue to need to hear the information imbedded in those micro steps, school is a baffling and unfriendly place. The student with Asperger Syndrome who loves to be the researcher of the facts for a science project is unaware of the required ‘give and take’ in a cooperative learning group. Because she comes across as overbearing and inflexible, her peers tune her out, exclude her from group membership, and she has lost out on the joys of learning. The smart, active ADHD child has no strategies to contain his impulses and channel his abundant energy into his schoolwork, and so wanders around on the periphery of the learning action though he would really love to be center stage with his talents.

Along with their ‘challenging’ characteristics, every one of our challenging loved ones have their unique and often very charming set of strengths, talents and interests, which they yearn to share with others in some way. However, their behaviors tend to send a different, contradictory, self-sabotaging message. Shemay be solely focused on a preoccupation or her perfectionism. He may be an entrenched avoider, a self-appointed boss, or a full time worrier– or perhaps he does not seem to worry at all about the consequences of his choices. Her super sensitivity to touch or sound may invite alienation. Middle and senior high kids are labeled ‘losers’ because they are seen awkwardly wandering, lost in the halls of their own schools.

These are examples of the kid types who are stuck inside themselves, with their faces pressed upon the windows that look out at the social world of their peers, to whom everything seems to come effortlessly. Their peers know how to fit in and their reward is acceptance. And these challenging children grow up to be adults that also wander–lost in relationships, job settings and their social community. They are stuck in a confusing, isolating place, mostly misunderstood, misread, mysteries to themselves and others. And what they are really communicating through their behavior, is how very difficult it is to adapt to the world around them.

The Hidden Curriculum

What stands between those who are in the action and those stuck on the inside looking out? It has become known as the ‘hidden curriculum.’ They need steady education and specific skill coaching through those micro steps because it is not automatic for them to ‘get’ what is going on and then figure out ‘what happened’ or ‘learn their lessons’ from playing unfair or breaking promises, or ‘hogging’ the scene. In his book, It’s So Much Work to Be Your Friend, Richard Lavoie, M.A. M.Ed., discusses how each school has it own individual culture, which determines the details of the hidden curriculum and thus what it takes to be ‘in.’ He says “Your child is tested on his academic skills every few days, but his social interactions are ‘tested’ and evaluated hundreds of times each day.”

For our challenging loved ones who may have a diagnosis of ADHD, High Functioning Autism or Asperger Syndrome or another that brings with it behavioral challenges, the rules of social acceptance are invisible …until they have the opportunity to learn the micro steps.

What is a Micro Step?

‘Micro steps’ are the very teeny tiniest instructional steps that give the most specific and direct information to help your challenging loved one learn the how-to’s of being social or getting the job done. Micro steps are the missing ingredients that lie between what parents and teachers already know about behavior change, and what is left to insert into their behavior change or social skill-building program. Identifying those essential micro steps can be a very challenging puzzle. Micro skill building is a creative and systematic process where little batches of skills are woven together, with the incredibly wonderful payoff of teaching our challenging loved ones to navigate life independently, appropriately and happily!

The Broad Stroke Skill Sets

Following are some of the wider groups of skills which break down into the micro steps that are key to school and social success:

• self awareness and self reflection
• friendship building
• public appropriateness
• non verbal cues and emotional messages
• consideration: giving it and getting it
• choice and decision making
• mood tools and calming strategies
• putting personal strengths and interests to work
• disappointment and resilience
• handling rejection and bullying

And here are some of the ingredients that put the ‘Art’ into a behavior change program: goals, rules, feelings, rewards, feedback, motivation, structure, natural consequences, feelings of safety and belonging and more…

Exercise: The One Week Question

Here is the very first step in creating a social curriculum: Peer into the life experiences of your challenging loved one.

Spend one whole week focusing on what you see, feel and hear related to one question from the list below. Keep ‘the’ question tucked in the front of your brain, as you go through the regular weekday routines on into the weekend activities. Quietly observe. Collect pieces to the puzzle. Be curious. Wait patiently for information-collecting opportunities. Reflect about what is really going on. Make notes. Remember these are not solution questions. We are not there yet…now the questions:

• What are the biggest obstacles your challenging loved one encounters on a daily basis?
• If you needed to, could you accurately describe what the world is like through the eyes of your challenging loved one? Explore this.
• When the day has gone surprisingly well, can you identify any patterns or differences that might account for the better [and tougher] moments?

The answers you come up with will sharpen your insights about what is really going on. That knowledge will help you define the micro steps and be on your way to artfully customizing and individualizing a successful behavior program for your challenging loved one.

You have just hired someone who has Asperger Syndrome, or perhaps you suspect so, and indeed he or she has very strong skills to match the job description. It is likely that you will be very pleased because people with Asperger Syndrome tend to have strong focus and commitment to a job well done.

To set up for office place success, you will find it pays off to invest in some training time, early on in some of those skills unrelated to the primary job, but fundamentally important to navigating the day at the office.

Here are seven straightforward strategies to help your new employee prosper and produce for your business.

1. Logical lists. As you see a routine or task that requires daily attention, log it on a list. Explaining the purpose behind the task may help it to become automatic. People with Asperger Syndrome like to make sense out of things.

2. Create a ‘cheat sheet’ for phone coverage. If want your employee to pinch hit on the phones, have a few generic phrases that work for your workplace, for example, “Can I have someone get back to you with that information?”

3. Be very specific about what you expect in general office matters. Help her to know where more and less flexibility is in order and appropriate in the daily flow of the work place. What routines must be done one way only? Observe, make notes and plan for periodic feedback time.

4. Be prepared to give your input with some of the smaller steps you may not typically think of stating. Gradually transfer responsibility and accountability to your employee, withdrawing your level of involvement as you see him catching on to the rhythms of your office place.

5. Help her become comfortable with the social culture of your workplace. People with Asperger tend to want to stay focused on tasks they enjoy. Being specific about when to go for breaks and lunch will be a guide for opportunities to personally connect with co-workers.

6. Have a set routine for evaluation and feedback sessions. Start the meeting by talking about the qualities you see in your new employee. “Here’s where your work is very well done.” Be sensitive to feelings of past failure with social and organizational issues. Your employee with Asperger is probably quite familiar with his weaknesses, having heard about them and struggled with them in some other past setting. You can say ” Here’s where we will work together:”

7. Don’t be afraid to be blunt. It will be helpful. There is a distinction between ‘blunt’ and ‘rude.’ He will appreciate and understand directness and clarity. If you are finding yourself repeating requests, you can say, “What plan can we come up with to help you establish routines that I have been reminding you about?”

Your new employee has the skills you were looking for and is dedicated to doing the job well. The challenging part for a person with Asperger Syndrome is the less structured, more social aspects of office culture. Small talk, picking up what others are thinking, and being imaginative about solving problems are challenging for people with Asperger Syndrome. Following are seven straightforward tips to help them thrive.

1. Be precise and specific with your instructions. Slang and expressions of speech may not translate to what you want to communicate. Details and examples help. “This is how it should look when it is done.”

2. Encourage your employee to come up with some process strategies for doing his job. For example, he might work well by recording tasks on a template he creates with visuals, spacing or organization that makes good sense to him.

3. Help her relax about asking for help on the job. Disability acts encourage people to discuss the modifications they need in the work place. However, there is often hesitation because of the fear that disclosure will be a stigma or put the job in jeopardy. You want to be receptive, should your employee want to ask for an accommodation that will help her work better.

4. Encourage co-workers to have a collaborative office culture when it comes to helping out each other. Your employee with Asperger Syndrome will have strengths that will be an asset to your team. Helping others in the office by lending a hand with one’s own talents helps him connect socially with office mates.

5. Don’t let the diagnosis ‘asperger’ or ‘autism’ be a defining characteristic of your employee; it is one aspect of who this person is. The diagnosis becomes important for you to know when it helps you to help your employee shine on the job.

6. Be open to someone who may be a support person in the personal life of your employee with Asperger Syndrome. Some parents stay involved a little longer in the life of their adult child, as an advocate in the background. Until your employee initiates the conversation about bringing in his advocate, remember to build trust through messages that convey you value his work. Some young adults with Asperger want to do it on their own, while others would welcome their support person to coach or advise to help them get independent with some of the more interpersonal aspects of being on the job.

7. Try to give a personal heads up if there is a schedule or routine type change, that he may not pick up on automatically. A person with Asperger Syndrome will need some extra cueing at times. Keep the focus on the gifts, which brought this person to your work place and motivated you to hire him or her!

After happening across an article on Asperger Syndrome, Jack wrote me about his new employee with whom he was quite pleased and also quite baffled. Jack talked about the similarities he saw between Al, his new employee, and the characteristics of a person with Asperger syndrome. Al was hired because he excels in understanding and managing the software systems this business uses. The problem arose with the more routine skills that did not come naturally to Al, but are crucial to work place survival.

Jack was not sure how or whether to suggest to Al that he explore a possible Asperger diagnosis, but what Jack was sure of, was that some steps had to be taken in order to keep Al on as his employee. We decided not to worry about what the diagnosis might be, if indeed there was one, and concentrate on helping Al with behavior change and independence.

Following are four specific and concise action steps Jack and I designed in a series of email exchanges:

Goal #1 Getting Comfortable with the Plan

Jack: “I don’t know how to talk to Al about doing this work with you, without risking that he will feel ‘singled out’.”

Ellen: I think you will find Al won’t be surprised and will be relieved that his weak spots are out in the open. Let’s do everything in consultation with Al one-step at a time.

The Plan: In a short conversation, Jack simply said to Al, “We both have a lot to remember and we need systems to help us get our work done.” Jack also explained he was working with me. Al was receptive, saying more structure would be good. Jack added a little extra assurance for Al, saying to him “If you have any questions about anything, I will try to be available immediately, please come see me.”

Goal #2 Remembering End of Day Routines

Jack: “Al stays late to finish projects several nights a week. I really like this! But he does not ever remember that the last person to leave puts the phone on night call forwarding to voice mail.”

The Plan: We established the Office Manual. Al set himself up with a small divided binder, with ‘To remember’ sections for End of Day and Beginning of Day. In his End of Day section he has a page for ‘Before I walk out’ where he enters the details he needs to remember about turning on the call forwarding. The first two times Al was last to leave, Jack had to mention the next morning that he had forgotten to look at his Office Manual the night before. Within two weeks, just the habit of opening his manual cued Al remember to forward the phones. By the third week, call forwarding became a habit for Al when he was last out.

Goal #3 Password Change Follow Through

Jack: “Al has the job of creating and routinely changing passwords used by others on the office. The procedure is that Al has the responsibility of recording them in the computer directory where everyone goes to access the updates. The problem is that Al forgets and people are getting frustrated and their work flow is interrupted when they can’t get into files.”

The Plan: Al’s manual has a section for ‘Procedures’. Jack teaches Al the procedure and Al take over with the responsibility of referring to his book regularly. If a password is not updated, Jack simply says “Al please refer to the procedure I taught you for passwords.” Jack does NOT tell Al the action he needs to take. It is in the book and exploring for the answer will help Al establish the new habit sooner.

Goal #4 Involving Al in Creating his Strategies

Jack: There are so many details and procedures to keep an office running. As soon as I put one strategy in place there’s more to deal with.

The Plan: Encourage Al to look for ways to keep adding to and evolving the manual. Coach him to come up with more strategies that help him move toward independence.

Al’s Plan:

1. As part of his end of the day routine, Al placed his manual on top of his computer so he would come in and see it in an obvious place each morning. He reminded himself right in his manual to leave the manual on the computer, last thing!

2. On the front of the binder, Al printed in big letters Look here first. This cued him that he had resource on hand before getting overwhelmed.

3. Al reviewed his manual throughout the day at times he designated to spend working on absorbing the information.

Feedback

Al: It is great that I don’t have to wonder how to do something or worry that I am doing things wrong. There is less and less for me to remember as I review the manual. I liked being able to use my own ideas and strategies to further personalize this for me.

Jack: The time I was taking to explain and correct has dramatically reduced. I am getting my own schedule back on track! The best strategy is that once Al has the system recorded in his work manual, I can now just choose from one of two short comments. “Al did you look at your list today?” or “Al you have a list that tells you this procedure.” It’s working great!

Very important tip: Keep your plan firmly in place until you have given it a generous amount of time to settle into place. Then evaluate. When you think your strategies aren’t working, giving up is usually the reason why!

See companion articles by Ellen Mossman-Glazer~

Communication Tips to Help Your Employee with Asperger Syndrome Thrive in Your Work Place

Practical Tips to Help Your Employee with Asperger Syndrome Get Established in Your Office

We again visit the workplace of employer ‘Jack’ and his new employee ‘Al’ who has Asperger Syndrome. In this small informal office, Al felt discomfort and confusion with ordinary routines related to phones, break time and workplace jargon. In this next phase of our work together, we designed three customized action plans, which helped Al succeed with the more social side of office responsibilities.

Jack: “When it comes to the job he was hired to do, Al is outstanding. But when people skills are required, he flounders. He goes off topic or seems confused about what people do in ordinary daily situations.”

Jack decided he would work directly and discreetly with Al, to help him feel less ‘centered out’ for this personalized training program. Co-workers had ‘supporting roles’ but Jack was the one-to-one trainer and advocate for Al.

We created action plans for these three social aspects of office life:

1. Telephone Conversation Skills

2. Flexibility and Feelings of Fitting In

3. Expressions of Speech

Goal #1 Telephone Conversation Skills

Jack: “Sometimes we have to rely on Al to cover phones for parts of the day when the office is short on staff. Al tells me he has had some bad experiences trying to figure out what to say on the phone. I can see he is anxious about this.”

The Plan: Al and Jack created a phone answering ‘script sheet’ that gave Al the words and phrases for opening greetings, message taking, transferring calls, general comments about who to speak to for what, and a few social niceties. They role played privately in Jack’s office. Jack asked Al to keep his conversations business-like brief. Al’s scripted answer to
“How are you today?” was “Fine, thank you.” since Al was sometimes tempted to answer with enthusiastic details more appropriate for social conversation with friends. If someone’s question threw him a curve, Al’s SOS script was “Please hold for someone who can help you.” and immediately transfer the call to Jack or Jack’s assistant. Al’s phone skills grew and on his own initiative, he spent time sitting in areas where he could listen and learn from co-workers fielding phone calls.

Goal #2 Flexibility and Feelings of Fitting In

Jack: “Al gets fixated on his work. It’s a quality that turns into a disadvantage at times. Other things come with this job! Time is open ended for Al! I want him to know when to focus on something else that needs to be taken care of, or even just have lunch.”

The Plan: This was a two-step plan:
1. Jack worked with Al to clarify and prioritize tasks that could be done over time, and tasks that had deadlines that were more pressing. He explained to Al that it was important and encouraged to stop and take breaks on occasions that threw the usual routine off schedule, such as an office staff meeting or a birthday gathering.

2. Jack and Al collaborated on a set of guiding questions, which helped to steer Al into another activity, if necessary. To help him break focus and evaluate, Al set his watch to beep three times a day to remind him to review his questions list:

o “Is there something else I need to tend to right now?”

o “Is something going on that everyone else is a part of?”

o “What do I need to do before getting back to my work?”

Al faithfully relied on his ‘guiding questions’ once he experienced how good it felt to fit in with the normal office rhythms.

Goal #3 Expressions of Speech

Office life had its own culture and early on Al was grappling with language that, for him, was a garble of confusing messages.

Jack: “Al is really mystified by phrases we all take for granted here. When we use expressions new to Al, like ‘shift gears’ or ‘hit the ground running’ I can see he is baffled. When a co-worker said “I am fit to be tied,” Al did not make the connection that his co-worker was feeling short of patience and frustrated.

The Plan: Al was encouraged to be honest and ask people to rephrase statements or instructions he did not understand. One of Al’s strengths was memory for information so once he understood he was on board when the expression came up again. His co-workers were very kind in helping him with work-place vocabulary and Al enjoyed that support. It was thrilling for him to experience the feeling of belonging in this office, so it got to be something of a game for Al to find new work related figures of speech.

In Closing:

These action plans took time and planning, but were successful because Jack saw the long-term value in the commitment required. And Al, who was painfully aware of his social skill ‘deficits’ was receptive to the program and delighted with the good feelings that come with support and progress.

This is a case study companion article to Help Your Employee With Asperger Syndrome Get into the Flow of Your Office Routines

Trust in the power of just one single sentence to get your child quickly back on track. When you are trying to get your children to pay better attention to their responsibilities, make a brief, very specific sentence your first and main strategy instead of revving up for the drain of debate, confrontation and consequencing.

You may want your child to settle down to homework, finish a chore, or make a better choice about something. It’s the ‘less is more’ model. Just a few words can say everything that needs to be heard.

The SSS Method

Create a Short Specific Statement. Here are a few different types for some typical situations:

Redirect. “The next thing you need to do is walk to your desk.” No nagging, just the statement. Repeat it until your child sees you will not engage you in any other conversation.

Refocus with a question. “What do you need to be doing next?” Keep asking until you hear or see the answer.

Start with “When” to perfectly handle requests that are not appropriate at the moment.
“When you have done your homework we can talk about the weekend.”
“When you wake up in the morning you can have your keys back.”

Show understanding, but set up a plan, without judgment. Your child failed a test and did not tell you.
” We will go talk to the teacher and find out what you need to do to bring your grade up.” Some kids keep school issues undercover, lying to parents rather than disappointing or angering them. They are more likely to keep you informed if they feel they will not be judged.

Handle slacking off.
“OK, let’s go from here.” No lectures. Just go forward.

Reframe. When your child is down on himself, give him an encouraging phrase to replace the discouragement. 
“I will do this the best I can and that is that.”

State your feelings calmly though you want to explode.
“I’m too angry to talk right now, I need some time.”and exit the scene. Don’t worry about what is going on behind you until you compose yourself and are ready to get back into it.

Two Essential Tips for Successful Short Specific Statements

Notice if your tone of voice escalates as you work harder to get your point heard and heeded.If so, you are giving your child the message you feel yourself losing ground. Make your statement as neutral as you would say, “Please pass the potatoes” and practice if you must, to be sure your voice and body language come across just as unflappable.

Stick to your statement and no other words! This is where you will trip up. If you expect your child to take some action as a result of your statement, repeat it and nothing else. If you feel you have repeated it enough, exit the scene for a while.

Make up your personal list of resourceful SSS’s and see how much simpler it gets!

The heartbeat of your behavior change program is your consequences because they help you keep your rules alive. Think of rules as the brains of the operation because they have the information about what behavior is expected. Think of rewards as the legs of the program because they keep things running nicely. And be sure to think of ‘consequences’ as something very different from punishment.

Consequences are natural and logical outcomes of behavior. Consequences can be rewarding. But, when there is a problem to deal with, natural consequences free you from struggling to control your child while he has opportunities to learn to solve his own problems. Above all though, you want to keep your children safe so there may be times of exception when you call the shot, and that’s that.

Key Tips for Successful Consequence Planning

1. Match up the severity of the consequence with the seriousness of the violation. This does not mean be harsh. It does mean a consequence must be compelling enough for your child to take action. Banishing your child from the kitchen because he spilled the milk -again – is overkill and not too practical but mopping the floor before leaving the kitchen is a match. Eventually he will get tired of spilling and mopping.

2. Pre-plan. Don’t make up consequences as you go along.Kids must be clear on what will and will not happen in given circumstances. Where appropriate, involve your child. You may be amazed at how your kids jump on board identifying their own logical consequences. If you see adjustments are needed, go back to the drawing board, think it through and then talk with you child to be sure the program changes are well understood.

3. Be consistent, without fail! If you let a consequence slide, or relax your guard because things are getting better, it will be a tough climb uphill to correct. Stop what you’re doing and follow through, no matter what else is going on. When you are wishy-washy, your kids know they can outsmart you. On the other hand, every time you show consistency, you also show credibility and each incident gets easier to handle.

4. Stop yourself from impulsively delivering absurd consequences in the heat of your frustration. “You’re grounded for a month!” is probably way overdoing it. A week may be more effective and is definitely more realistic for you to enforce.

5. Threatening what you cannot possibly follow through with is the same as saying “I don’t really expect you to listen to me.” Your kids know those buttons well and play a tougher game than you will have the energy to play in return. Avoid resorting to useless threats. They usually start with phrases such as “From now on –” and “Never again –”

6. Don’t fall for guilt, debates or self- doubt. That is the timeworn test you must pass.
Remember who is the parent here. Calmly state your expectations in a positive, non-confrontational way. “You can be on the phone or IM your friends after all homework is done.” [Notice how you have also stated that the consequence of not finishing homework at a reasonable time means no 'socializing' from home that night.]

7. Give second chances -rarely. You can include a first warning system in your program to alert your child that consequences he may not like are on the horizon. Then follow through if the warning goes unheeded!

8. Practice. Consequencing is one of the toughest parenting and educator challenges, but like other skills, it becomes comfortable in time. As you see the wonder in how consequences work, you will wonder how you managed before! Your child will learn to respect them and expect them.

Modify When It Will Help Your Child Succeed

With our challenging loved ones with Autism, ADHD, Asperger Syndrome and other LD issues, we must further fine-tune our approach by teaching them the micro skills that may not come naturally but are necessary for success. A child may need:

• More time to process a situation. For this child, it may only be fair to build in warnings.
• problem-solving skills required to come up with solutions to the consequences presented.
• help to see how flexibility will pay off for her – that cooperation makes the world easier to live in even though it may not be her preferred way of doing something.
• skills to avoid being taken advantage of so not to wind up with continual consequences.
• help to not over focus on the rules – for example, kids with Asperger syndrome can get fixated on the rule when paying attention to the consequence is the important part.

To help our kids who have Autism or Asperger Syndrome thrive in mainstream settings, you have to first pay attention to who they are as unique individuals.

Following are five key questions to help you reflect on what you are doing now and guide you to help these kids and adults have success:

1. Are you sure your child or student knows what it is you want him to do? Be sure the task is achievable and then be sure to understand the particular way he or she learns and acts on information. For example figures of speech are likely to confuse him, while a visual demonstration or picture instructions are more likely to help him understand the task.

2. Do you have a plan or are you trying whatever technique comes to you as issues arise?Those effective techniques you use with your mainstream kids will probably let you down. You must have a program that orients around the needs and interests of your child or student with Autism or Asperger Syndrome. You have to really ‘know your customer’. Spending time with a parent, last year’s teacher or an IEP [Individualized Education Plan] to create a personalized behavior program will be well worth the time.

3. Are you focusing on past behaviors? Forget talking about what you don’t want. Instead, teach specific new behaviors that replace inappropriate or unproductive behaviors. Take time to learn the strategies that will move your child forward and help him grow independence. The more you practice new behavior skills, the more the wanted behaviors will grow and squeeze out the unwanted.

4. Are you feeding the potential for frenzy or working toward calm? Be aware of triggers and how you may be unintentionally setting them off all day long. Bright light, an odd smell in the room, discomfort when touched or bumped are the kinds of sensitivities you find with individuals on the autism spectrum. Try to accommodate their preferences and it is likely to pay off in better productivity.

5. Are you relying on punishment? Punishment invites crisis. Consequences invite problem solving. Consequences are the natural teachers. If you isolate your student with Asperger Syndrome for dominating the conversation in a class group, you are punishing, with no lesson to take from it. And your child will be further confused. If you take the child aside, for a few minutes and some in-the-moment instruction about how to succeed at the group table, you are teaching necessary social skills and the way to avoid isolation in the future.