As parents, educators and caregivers are we paying attention to whether our children are excludersOR the ‘excluded?’

Rejection shows up in many ways. Here are a few:

Hurt in the words.

Sarcasm in the voice.

Behaviors that say, “You don’t belong.” “You are not wanted.” “You are not safe here.”

Feelings of profound sadness. Isolation.

The kids who are the last to be picked for the team.

A visibly ‘different’ adult sitting alone at a party.

A recent tragedy underscores how crucial it is to pay attention to situations where people send out a loud SOS for help with rejection. William Freund, a 19 year-old young man with Asperger Syndrome pleaded for help on an internet forum, conveying his despairing loneliness and inability to help himself find solutions. By the time anyone took him seriously, it was too late; he had killed two people, wounded another and fatally turned the gun on himself in October of this year. He had put out a plea for help worldwide, one could say, and no one helped him know that it could all be worked out.

Tune into rejection issues!

Here are ten tips and some tools to help challenging loved ones reduce their vulnerability to rejection:

1. Hone your radar to pick up rejection.

Heighten your attention to what is happening with the vulnerable children and adults that you work or live with. Do not presume they can come to you and label their feelings. Call upon your own childhood memories. Were you teased, bullied or isolated by peers? Or were you a witness to children who were? Make sure you don’t ignore what you see and know.

2. Have conversations to help them interpret social situations.

If your child has behaviors that set himself up as a target, work with him, in little steps, to build a stockpile of social choices that substitute for the intuitive wisdom that may not come naturally. “After you tell your new friend you like hockey, ask him what he likes to talk about.”

3. Help them verbalize any secret pain.

Rejected children know who they are and live inside brains that tiptoe around to get a break or to avoid heartbreak. They don’t learn well or behave too well either, if they are sad. If you are a parent, teacher or caregiver, you know rejection when you see it. You have an important role as a safe person for them to come to.

4. Help them have a plan for how to respond when things happen.

They will need steady guidance from you to learn the appropriate steps in various situations especially if there is a diagnosis such as Asperger syndrome or high functioning autism.

5. Notice who are the players.

Where there is a group, there is a leader. Leaders are gatekeepers of acceptance; our challenging loved ones don’t know how to navigate the politics of groups. They need extra protection. You may need to guide the leader. Or you may need to deal with a ‘boss.’ Girls tend to have a different style of excluding. They do it more privately. It is difficult to create outright acceptance when kids or even adults want to make their own choices in the company they keep, but you can set out clear expectations and boundaries about how people are to be treated.

6. Make sure your child knows what wonderful talents or strengths he has going for him. [And every one does!]

Send ongoing reminders. Help her develop the happy feelings of pride and competence. Happy children learn better.

7. Show what kindness and tolerance look like.

Model them by making them routine household activities. If you want your child to learn what a nice person does, you have to show AND tell.

8. Keep your love and support solid, despite how challenging it all feels.

When kids and special needs individuals challenge rules, irritate or ‘misbehave’ they may be telling you they are floundering in the chaos of not knowing how to deal with rejection. Be intuitive about what is going on.

9. Tap into the ‘nice’ kids.

Find designated buddies who can help in challenging situations. But beware this can be tricky business. Teachers and parents must help make this work so neither child feels they ‘stick out’ or have too big a burden in this partnership.

10. Think before you ‘leave them to solve their problems on their own.’

This strategy is not usually a good choice with our challenging loved ones who struggle with social skills. First, they need how-to tools. Until then, it may be too hard to go it alone!

Some kids and adults need clear information about the strengths and talents you know they have. This is especially true for children and many adults who have Asperger Syndrome, Autism, or ADHD. They may need to get their knowledge about where they shine, in a more direct way than you have been communicating so far. This knowledge is the nourishment of a healthy self-image.

Here are ten strategies to help your challenging loved ones to believe in themselves:

1. Give them a mental picture so they can ‘see’ what you mean. Instead of “That is a great story!” try something like: “The characters in your story seem like real people.”

2. Be sincere and specific. ‘Very good!’ is very good to say but when you can, compliment the action. “You are a whiz at finishing puzzles.” “You really know how to swing a bat.”

3. Compliment ‘in the moment’. Don’t wait. Tell her now so she makes the connection between a positive behavior and the good feeling of praise.

4. Be on the watch for unrecognized strengths. You may be overlooking some subtle but nonetheless strong qualities in your child. Think creatively and you will find them! If your teen avoids friends who do drugs, alcohol or smoke, he has good judgment. If she plays chess, she has good analytic skills, if he connects easily with people he is a good conversationalist. If she is involved in sports, she is a ‘team player.’ You can use these qualities as springboards to build more.

5. Help your child keep his weaknesses and ‘failures’ in perspective. Point out real life situations to illustrate that “everyone makes mistakes” and “everyone is learning all the time”. Find stories about famous people who worked around their limitations to become famous inventors, artists and authors.

6. Teach your child how to self-advocate. Use her daily challenges to explore behavior choices she can make – positive and negative. Show her what she can do to be in charge of her life, appropriate to her age and developmental stage.

7. Be trustworthy all the time. Trust in reliable adults is key to learning to trust yourself. Promise only what you can follow through on. If you must break your word, tell your child what is going on and discuss other options to replace what you had previously committed to.

8. Keep them going, when they are discouraged, with “You can do it!” messages. You know when your child can do better and what it takes to get there. Be the wind beneath her wings.

9. ‘Shine the light’ on those talents. Plan activities and social events that give your child appropriate opportunities to share what is important to her. If your child has a special need, look for just the right place for her to be in the limelight. A child with Asperger Syndrome may need to be in the company of people who have great interest in her special area of knowledge.

As you practice these tips, enjoy watching your children’s self-pride blossom.