Has your child ever wandered away from you in a big open crowded place – the mall, an airport a parking lot, in the Santa Claus line?

My story: When my son Matthew was four, he very quietly left our sides as his dad and I were engrossed in a cool potential purchase. Matt just up and sauntered out of a busy store into the throngs of people walking the mall. We were confident Matt was right there by one of us, until we snapped to consciousness, looked down and there was no Matt in sight. We exchanged horrifying looks of panic and bolted out of the store to search for our son, squeezing through the mobs to get across the mall. We found Matthew within minutes, but the search felt like eternity. We had followed our hunch, and sure enough, there was our Matt, sitting like the perfect preschooler quiet and cross-legged on the floor, beneath a row of TV’s, his curly head adorably tilted up, fixated on Big Bird. That is the huge moment of relief when you are torn between hugging him and yelling at him.

Kids want to do the same things we want to do in new places – roam around feeding our curiosity and gravitating to what interests us. Holiday time is extra tantalizing.  Glitzy mall decor. Larger than life airport attractions – big windows filled with runways and planes, huge signs pointing in all directions to shuttle trains, escalators and terminals.

Pro-active planning reduces the chances you will have one of those frantic, fearful events. Kids like to extend the boundaries when away from home, which makes it even more important to have your positive child discipline strategies in place.

These strategies do NOT replace a continual close watch on your child. While you are watching, your child is burning off  energy, enjoying some choices, and learning from new sights. You are having an easier time making your way through a busy place, and disciplining less!

Keep your younger kids safe (with just enough freedom) when you are on the move with

THREE SIMPLE  CONCISE CUE PHRASES

1. HOLD HANDS “When we are holding hands, I am keeping you safe in busy strange places. I will tell you when you can let go. This is maximum security, when you know it is a time to take no chances.

2. BE NEXT TO ME. “This means you cannot walk away.”  Explain  to older children “ If we are not holding hands  that means I trust you to stay next to me until I tell you it okay to do something different. “

3. BE WHERE I CAN SEE YOU “This means you can walk around nearby, a little as long as I can see you wherever you are and you can see me”. (Be sure you will be able to keep a straight line of vision to your child, and that she can  hear your voice.)

Prepare your child well in advance. Talk about the new system. Adjust the cue system according to your child’s age, stage of development and self-discipline with freedom opportunities. If your toddler has not had much experience leaving the stroller, practicing in more contained areas is a safer start.

Cue phrases work for kids and adults. Parents do not have to be tethered to their kids every second. Kids have some choice to have limited freedom to enjoy the delight of new sights. Parents are always in charge and make the judgment call about how close kids must stay.

How to Talk to your Younger Kids About the New Plan …

Preparing

“When we go to big busy places, I know you want to run and see all the interesting things to look at. First, I need to keep you safe. So we have a plan that we are going to practice and remember whenever we go places where there are a lot of people”.

“There are THREE different ways we can do it. I will tell you which the safe one is.”

“When I say ‘One, Two, Three, come back’, you must come back quickly.”

“When you listen quickly, it tells me I can let you do it again.”

Watch for the  next posting  on  best strategies for practicing these tips.

How did these tips work for you? I welcome your comments!

Ellen

By first understanding and working with your own feelings, you can set the stage for magical results with the very challenging people in your life!

1. Know your feelings – and how strong they may be – before you get into action with your challenging people.

2. Make behavior decisions that you will feel proud of. Your style will be their style. “They” learn by watching you and listening to you.

3. Know what others are feeling. Understand that you may not agree.

4. Find the words to convey your feelings without denying someone else theirs.

5. Seek out the good things in a situation, even if they are microscopic or a real stretch.

6. Be persistent – appropriately! Stay on track. Back off the track when you know you will get nowhere.

7. Monitor your impulses. Reflect on your own thinking that won’t help in the bigger picture.

8. You may need to withdraw your approval. But in the process don’t withdraw the love.

9. Have tools to manage your emotions before you are swept away by them.

10. Think about how you deliver your message. What would you be feeling if you were on the receiving end? Care about the feelings of the other person. It’s just the good old golden rule.

Refer to and live by these ‘process’ steps as you work with your challenging people and you will begin to see and feel how much easier it all can be.

Fathers, whom did you look up to? How do you want your child to look up to you? Though he is no longer here, my dad left me with wonderful memories of qualities I wanted to have, and behaviors I wanted to choose. It is with a smile in my heart that I remember what my father modeled for me:

1. Humor is a strategy. It is often quite OK to joke in a serious situation. Laughter and stress have a hard time co-existing. My father had a knack of diffusing tension at just the right time with just a few words that shifted the mood and had us all laughing despite how important the problem was or more often, was not.

2. The truth is fixed. My dad used to say to us “The truth does not move around.” Be completely honest in your interactions with others. It shows great character. And you can’t hide your own weaknesses from your children, so you might as well show you are human and model honesty with respect to your faults.

3. Listen to your child, uninterrupted. You will be saying, “I value what you think.” My dad did not always agree but he always listened. When you let your child say all she needs to, you give her the message her feelings are important to you. Just listening, without judgment is a priceless gift to a child and adolescent. And the gift is even bigger when your next words reflect what your child feels instead of what you want her to hear.

4. Giving is the best way to receive. Be attentive to what your child wants from you in time, understanding, and support, especially those things that can come only from a father. Your child will feel gratitude and love, though he is not likely to say so.

5. Be respectful, despite what you may be thinking. Show tolerance to all people, even those for whom you do not feel much respect. I never saw my dad be unkind, even when he was not happy with someone. Your child needs to see how you rise above the foolish or trivial ways others can behave.

6. Wonder frequently, and aloud. My dad used to say, “I wonder why –” Or “I want to learn more about —.” When we talk about our curiosities and what we think and feel about the world around us, we teach our children it is good and safe to do the same.

7. Crying is OK. Tears are cleansing when we are sad. Tears feel great when they spring from joy or passion about something important to us.

8. Find the smallest positives. My dad noticed and commented on the littlest good deeds. Watch for opportunities in daily life to say, “Good thinking, my daughter” and “Proud of you, my son.”

9. Say, “Please” and “Thank you.” and “May I –? “ You will be demonstrating good manners, behaviors that help to open important doors out in the world. A great first impression will never stop being a great thing to do.

10. As your child grows, be open to his ideas that might be challenging or unconventional to you. Respond first with words that convey you understand. In return, your child will listen more attentively to what you want to say. If your child is moving into young adulthood and wants to choose a life path different from what you envisioned, get out of the way and let it happen. Support and trust their choices and your children will continue to be in your life in many joyful ways.

Most divorced parents try very hard to do everything right with their kids. However, the very emotional politics that come with divorced parenting can unintentionally draw the kids onto a battle ground. Following these will be a gift to your kids.

1. Be appropriately interested in your child’s life with your ex. Do not be stone silent when Dad’s or Mom’s name comes up. If you take a position such as “What happens at her house is not my business”, your child will hear your anger behind the comment. Ask mild questions of genuine interest, like “How was your week?” or “Did you have good time at Grandma’s?” On the other hand, probing will be uncomfortable for your child. NOT appropriate would be a stream of questions about Mom’s new boyfriend.

2. Keep your child out of the middle of you and your ex. Yes, you have heard this before and perhaps you are dong a good job of it. But, be careful that you are not subtly pressuring your child. You may be revealing more than you think.
Example: If it comes as a surprise to you that your child is getting D’s in a subject, you may be
tempted to drop a comment about your ex leaving you out of the loop. While you can certainly
talk with your child about the grade problems, get more information by civilly approaching your
ex, despite your fury that you had a right to know.

3. Work with your new husband /wife or boyfriend or girlfriend to give you all the leeway you need to make your kids feel important in your life. And unfortunately as lovely as he or she may be, your new partner may not be welcomed by your kids right now. You cannot make kids feel any different than they do at the time.
Kids are on their own clock. But you can work towards changing their minds by respecting their
feelings of today. If the divorce is new and they want to be only with you on an occasion such as Father’s Day or Mother’s Day, ask for your partner’s understanding. It may be the best investment for future relationships.

4. Be a mature support when your child is upset at her other parent. This is not your opportunity to join the cause. Children are protective of their parents no matter what. Echoing their father’s shortcomings, even if true, does not help them feel better. A better response that will earn the
respect of your child: Listen with quiet understanding or a simple statement like “I know you
love him.”

5. Call a genuine truce with your ex, for your child’s life cycle events. When there is a birthday party, a graduation or a wedding the moment belongs to your child. Show up, dress appropriate, say hello to everyone. Behave in a way that makes your child proud of you. You will be teaching dignity and tasteful behavior choices.

Those simple single syllable emotion words are the first and easiest for young children to learn. Then, as they grow, it is time for parents, educators and caregivers to help them move beyond sad, mad and glad…

A Different Curriculum

When kids come home with A’s and B’s in reading writing and math, parents feel a sense of security that their children are building the skills that will help them succeed in life. Then there is a whole set of different and important skills, which help our kids get smarter about the variety of emotions they feel and encounter on a daily basis.

Understanding one’s own emotions can make the difference between a physical fight and a deep breath. Understanding in- the-moment emotions of others is an invaluable social skill. For children and adults with Asperger Syndrome and Autism, navigating the territory of emotions is a particularly puzzling challenge.

Here are a few solid reasons to create your own emotional intelligence curriculum.

• Children learn to feel comfortable with expressing fears, guilt or feelings of isolation, when it is natural to discuss emotions with their trusted adults. Many kids keep quiet about toxic feelings that build up and need to be expressed to those adults.
• When we teach our challenging loved ones to appropriately handle an emotional experience, for example anger, they are equipped with positive options to replace the knee jerk impulses that lead to negativity and confrontation. An emotionally tuned in child can say “I feel like I am going to burst into a rage, but I know there are people I can go talk to right away.”
• Self-confidence builds and helps to pave the way for kids to use their talents and stretch their abilities when they have a sense of control about being able to handle an emotional situation.

Take Action: Build a Feelings Vocabulary

Following are six fun ways for parents, caregivers and educators to weave an informal curriculum of emotional education into the daily routine:

1. Spend time with your kids, exploring emotions found in the everyday media they enjoy – books, TV, movies. When reading picture books with young children, help them explore the illustrations for emotions. Dramatize the story by weaving in feeling words: “The wolf was seething with frustration when he could not get into the house.” With your older children, initiate discussion about characters and events in their favorite shows. Attach interesting feeling words to their observations. A ‘perplexing’ problem. A ‘moody’ friend. An ‘inspiring’ teacher. An ‘annoying’ classmate. A ‘monotonous’ story. Ask questions like “What would you feel?” Watch for cues from the characters: hands on hips, eyes wide, frowning.

Sad has many faces: When a child says, “I feel sad” he may actually want to articulate worry, loneliness, or helplessness. Sadness related to a loss can range from disappointment to grieving. Help them to say what they are feeling, with specificity. Be sure to be age appropriate. You don’t want your children to walk around sounding like emotional dictionaries, “I was just devastated that Jordan did not invite me to his birthday party.” However, you can help your children to more precisely label what they feel. ” I was disappointed.” “I felt ignored.” “It made me angry.”

2. Teach the many hues of an emotion.

3. Play drama games. Make a list of feeling words and their corresponding body language and facial expressions. Be dramatic. Be silly. Exaggerate to make the point! This is a good exercise with children and young adults who have High Functioning Autism or Asperger Syndrome because they need explicit instruction in how to ‘read’ people’s faces and behaviors. Help them see and experience the various nuances of a single emotion.

Each card has a face expressing a particular emotion. They are a fun and useful visual tool for discriminating human moods and emotions. Use real life situations, or make them up, and brainstorm appropriate responses to the emotion. “If you felt [jealous/confused/afraid] what would you do?” See below for a link to free feelings face graphics.

4. Enrich emotion vocabulary with Feelings Face Cards.

5. Avert a looming crisis by labeling a negative emotion as you see it coming. When your child is on emotional overload, sometimes just acknowledging what she is going through will help her stay composed. For example, Parent: “You feel just too tired and cranky to finish your homework.” Child: “Yes!”

For example, for the emotion proud, collect pictures of faces and events that depict pride and proud moments. When working with children or adults with Asperger Syndrome or Autism, start with one emotion word and build, spending lots of time working with the ‘visuals’ of each emotion. This is a terrific way to spend time with your child in an ongoing project, organizing the images on index cards or in a scrapbook. Create activities with them: categorizing, role-play, rate the feelings for intensity, write stories about them. Ask lots of reflection type questions. Be imaginative and keep the feeling words rolling along!

6. Create picture collections of real life situations that portray an emotion.

Sprinkled through this issue are some of the more useful emotion words to work with. Here are a few more good ones to equip you child through the daily ups and downs.

Unsure – Impatient – Amazed – Embarrassed – Jealous – Anxious – Loving – Ashamed
Questions to Inspire Feelings Talk

“What can you do to help someone feel [happy]?”

“How would you know if someone felt [scared]?”

“What can you do when you feel [impatient]?”

Remember the feeling!

“How do you feel?” is always answered by emotion words. ”I have a ton of work and I don’t know how I will get through it.” does not tell what one feels, although in that simple example, most of us get the message. “I am overwhelmed with work and worried about finishing on time.” does clearly tell the feeling.

Here is your on-line activity resource:

Feelings Faces Cards http://feelingsfacescards.com

Have fun!

Copyright Ellen Mossman-Glazer 2009. All rights reserved. You are welcome to share or reprint this article, providing it remains as written with all contact and copyright information included along with a link to http://artofbehaviorchange.com This content is coaching and education and not intended to take the place of psychological services, where advised and appropriate. Contact me at ellen@artofbehaviorchange.com

Tips to Help the Homework Process

The place where parents get mired in homework issues is more commonly the process of completing homework, rather than the child’s actual ability to comprehend the academic task. The homework process revolves around the systems and routines in place for getting your child down to homework and sticking with it to the finish – before the night is highjacked by emotions. You need to know the techniques that work for your child to help her keep her eye on the homework ball and off distractions.

Following are tips and techniques to help the daily process run smoothly. These strategies are adaptable to the needs of students of all ages, as well as kids who struggle with the challenges of ADHD, high functioning autism and Asperger Syndrome.

Space
Give your child a regular location that is a home for homework. If a quiet space is what you decided your child needs, then your designated homework spot must be reliably off-limits and undisturbed by siblings and household interruptions.

Routines

Decide on a consistent routine you and your child can depend on to get homework started. Example: When your child comes home he sets a timer, eats a snack until the timer buzzes signaling homework time. If you work patiently with your child to stick loyally to the planned routine, it will pay off, soon becoming a habit.

Rules
Pre-plan rules for homework time. Work together with your child. You will probably be surprised at how sensible and honest your kids are about what the rules need to be. Of course, parents have the final say, and you need to carefully think through and prioritize your rules so that you have just the right ones and not too many at a time. There are four Rule Setting Rules. In a very concise nutshell, rules must be:

Short
Specific
Few
Enforceable

Consequences
A consequence is very different from a punishment. Consequences teach children how to struggle with the problem instead of with the parent. When your child ignores the rules of homework, you need to be ready with a fair and logical consequence. If the rule is Be at your homework spot at 5 pm and your child stays at a friend’s house until 5:30, grounding would not be logical. A natural and more effective consequence that flowed from the ‘infraction’ could be Pay back the time by taking 30 minutes off of homework breaks over one or two homework evenings. Most important, consequences have to be well thought out and not a result of in-the-moment parent frustration.

Rewards
The amount of money you spend on rewards does not guarantee or even correlate with getting the best behavior results from your child. The most important factor in how well rewards work is how meaningful they are to your child. Rewards must have a magnetic quality that makes homework more appealing than avoiding or rebelling.

There are rewards that thrill kids and monetarily cost you little or nothing but time, for example:

One to one uninterrupted time with you. Play a board game, go to the movies, go somewhere special with your teen that just the two of you can enjoy together. Your child will appreciate you focusing on what is important to him or her.
Turning the tables. Do a chore for your child. Give your child his own budget in the grocery store. Make it fun!

Prevent Parent Burnout
Establish clear guidelines for your child to know when and how to ask for help. Limit the demands your child makes on your time but be available to help when your child needs it. Your child may need only occasional attention to keep from dropping the ball, such as periodic words of encouragement. “Keep trying for 5 minutes and I will check back with you.” may be enough words to get your child through a tough homework moment. [And do not forget to check back as you said you would.]

Organization and Overwhelm
Calm your kids with little steps that help them to keep moving.

Break up assignments into a manageable series of small steps. Highlight five math questions and say,“Call me when you finish these.”
Lighten the load without taking away the learning experience. Your child can do the thinking while you do the busy work, such as cutting, pasting or copying down the questions.

Common Parent Pitfalls

With the best of intentions, parents can blunder into decisions that mushroom into bigger and more complicated behavior issues. Here are some things to watch for:

Falling into power struggles.
Does your child debate, negotiate or chronically avoid? Use a Specific Short Statement described earlier, to redirect your child back to work.

Focusing on failure. Do not talk too much about the negative. Say little about failed tests. Keep the focus on moving productively forward.

Too little listening. You will get to know a lot more about what works for your child if you are collecting information by encouraging your child to talk about feelings. This will be very helpful in guiding you to guide her.

Cooperation
If your child tends to draw you into negotiatiation, use one short specific statement to redirect your child back to homework. Here are two versions:

The Question Technique ” What do you need to be doing next?” or “What materials do you need for this task?” Repeat your question until you hear or see the result you are looking for. Do not be tempted to water down the message with any other words or comments.

The ”When” Statement. Smoothly handle requests that are not appropriate at homework time: “When you finish your homework we can talk about the weekend.” “When you are on homework break you can look for your missing CD.” “When you are sitting at your desk we will talk.” Wait for the action you are looking for, do not get lured into other conversation but do follow through with your commitment for what you say you are willing to give later.

Tips for Quirky Workers and Special Learners

Kids with ADHD, Autism and Asperger Syndrome or other developmental issues, need extra care in setting up a homework system that keeps emotions in check and encourages success.

Look for a deeper reason when your child is uncooperative. Argumentativeness or irritability can be a problem your child cannot articulate so this may be the way he is asking for help.

Be sensitive to your child’s sensitivities. Pay attention to complaints that may seem to you just little annoyances. Sounds, odors, lighting or prickly clothing can be distractions, and sources of discomfort that keep your child from fully focusing on homework.

Explore feelings Ask questions that lead your child to talk about what it feels like for him to be frustrated with homework. You may be amazed at how your child will open up to you when you open the avenues to talk. It may not change the difficulty of the homework but your child will have had an opportunity to vent and feel understood.

Understand your child’s is learning style. Kids who struggle are often visual learners. This means that images, colors, pictures and ‘movies in their minds’ can help them to achieve. Color-coding and memory strategies may be helpful.

Help your child remember his strengths at the times he is challenged by his weaknesses.Remind him of some recent progress. “I am so proud of how far you have come in Math”. Some kids struggle with academic work and for them it is important to stay involved in outside of school activities that highlight their strengths and keep them happily reminded of their talents.

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Closing Thought ~

Approach homework the way you taught your child to walk: give guidance, safety and encouragement, be there to get them back up when they fall. Your child’s mistakes and challenges teach self-control and problem solving skills.

What are the homework challenges in your household? I welcome your feedback. Write me at ellen@artofbehaviorchange.com

Copyright Ellen Mossman-Glazer 2009. All rights reserved. You are welcome to share or reprint this article, providing it remains as written with all contact and copyright information included along with a link to http://artofbehaviorchange.com This content is coaching and education and not intended to take the place of psychological services, where advised and appropriate. Contact me at ellen@artofbehaviorchange.com