Once overwhelm sets in and your child is melting down under a confusing to-do pile, it is can be a frantic challenge to dig her out and settle her down. Here are six pro-active strategies; so start now to see them really work!

1. Plan ahead. Shift gears before homework burn out sets in. We adults need quick pick-me-ups through the day; coffee breaks, power naps, a few deep stretches to keep alert. So do our kids. Work with your kids to help them discover their personal strategies to refresh and refocus.

2.Take many mini breaks. Plan for them so your student can look forward to a periodic relaxer. This is a good strategy to help kids with ADHD or Asperger Syndrome, or High Functioning Autism. If focus and concentration on a non -preferred activity is a challenge, you can build time on task. Break every 15 minutes or every 5 minutes if that’s where you can start with success.

3. Use their talents and interests to motivate at work time and enjoy at break time. At the pre-determined break time, it might be one round of table hockey or ten minutes with the colored markers or….just be sure to establish the rules ahead of time, something like ” this is a ‘mini break’ and a privilege and I trust you to stop and get right back to work when the time is up.” A minute timer is handy to keep nearby and you might be pleasantly surprised at how your child monitors his own breaks.

4. Just stop working for a while or for the day. Let the brain recharge. Loosen up on your homework rules when you know it makes sense, but make it a rare event. You know your child’s limits: when she will respond well to an extra push and when she is unable to push forward another bit.

5.Begin to handle a small piece of long-term projects as soon as the assignment comes in.Bigger projects are an opportunity to help your child learn to organize with mind mapping techniques.

6. Keep in steady contact with teachers. Be pro-active in preventing overwhelm in the form of an avalanche of assignments. Incomplete homework may suddenly show up, buried in folders or at the backpack bottom, and it all comes out as the grading period is coming to a close. Most teachers are happy to work on homework systems with parents to avoid late-semester chaos when it is too late anyway to catch up on those lost grades. If your child has an IEP, work together with the school to help your child make the best of his modification plan. Or follow that model; create a working relationship with your child’s teachers; set up a weekly meeting or phone call for a homework progress review or communicate in writing daily through a planner book.

Very Important Final Tip: Practice these steps before you have a homework crisis on your hands!

For some children, the biggest homework problem they have to solve is the volume they have to manage. Following are six specific ‘jobs’ for parents that will help keep things moving when the work load is weighty. These tips are especially useful with ADHD, Asperger Syndrome, High Functioning Autism or LD issues.

1. Be your child’s Admin Assistant. For example, to lighten the writing load, your child dictates while you type at the computer. Print it out and paste into a notebook if that is where the answers are supposed to show up.

2. Get them talking on the subject. If she’s stuck starting something creative in nature, such as a story or essay, coach her to stockpile any and all knowledge, ideas or feelings she has on the topic, no matter how little or how silly. You may be amazed at how a plan begins to bubble up and how thoughts flow when your child expresses them aloud first.

3. Chunk down the tasks. Help your child see a big workload as a series of manageable steps. Putting a title at the top of a blank piece of paper is often the first laborious step that flows to the next and the next. It’s the good old: “Little by little.” and “One step at a time.”

4. Create visual tools. Colored sticky notes are the greatest invention for visible goal setting. As assignments come in, each title gets its own sticky note. Color code according to due date or subject or what makes sense. Post on the wall. As the assignments are completed, another sticky comes down and satisfaction goes up. Incentives, rewards and break time can be built into the conquering of each sticky noted assignment.

5. You do the busy work while your child does the thinking work. For a display project, you can help move it along by cutting and gluing. For math, you can copy questions into the notebook, leaving space for your child fill in answers. (Most teachers will support this accommodation especially for students who struggle with LD issues. You can check with the teacher on this by sending a note with the homework if that would be more comfortable for you.)

6. Help your child keep his work area and tools organized–just enough. A tidy workspace clears thinking space in the brain. Create enough system so your child has what he needs within easy reach. Do not over-do organization; kids function differently in what adults consider clutter or bedroom chaos. Do stay involved. For a good habit of organization to take hold, parents need to coach until it is officially a habit. Be careful your support does not turn into nagging. Find strategies that work for your child to take charge of his systems.

To keep your child feeling calm and capable at homework time, it is important to think about who they are as an individual. A child who feels capable and successful is at his best as a student and a person. Emotionally intelligent parenting at homework time involves nurturing feelings of strong self worth when the work is frustrating and just plain ‘too hard!” These seven tips will help you create an approach that will support your child through the tougher work loads.

1. Help your child remember his strengths at the times he is challenged by his weaknesses.Remind him of some recent progress. “I am so proud of how far you have come in Math.” Encourage him to do better in the tough subjects but understand where the limitations are. If your child is just ‘not a good student’ remember that is what is happening now, in the present. It may take until college or a post high school program for your child to really thrive in a learning setting, that just right place that gives him opportunity to create using his natural talents. In the meantime, be sure to keep your child involved in extracurricular activity that helps him feel happy and competent at something he enjoys.

2. Did you know you were lecturing? Although your child may need homework help, she knows everything there is to know about the importance of academic performance. You will get a lot more insight about what works to get your child working, if you are doing the listening. Sometimes you are lecturing and you do not see it as such. Instead of struggling to come up with the magic words that get your child inspired to do homework, try something different: give her an opportunity to reveal her feelings about school work. See next tip…

3. Polish up your listening skills. Ask questions that lead your child to talk about what it feels like for him to be frustrated with homework. You may be amazed at how your child will open up to you when you give messages, through your words and body language that you are there to listen, listen, listen. It may not change the difficulty of the homework but your child will have had an opportunity to vent and feel understood.

4. Be OK with a mediocre grade. Sometimes helping them get to the finish line is the best thing you can give them with a difficult assignment.

5.Understand your child’s moods and thinking patterns. If your child goes to negative thinking – “I’ll never get this” replace the defeatist looping thoughts with other words that help your child keep perspective. Find a replacement phrase that works for him such as “I will do this the best I can and that is that!”

6.Be sensitive to your child’s sensitivities. Explore for hidden annoyances that keep your child from fully focusing. Sounds, odors, lighting or prickly clothing can be distractions, and sources of discomfort for some children who are very sensitive to their environment. This is commonly found with children, teens as well as adults who have ADHD, Asperger Syndrome or High Functioning Autism. Observe for when, where and how their best work is done.

7. Remember: Kids do not like homework! (Well, very few look forward to it.) And what every child knows, and is not likely to admit, is that homework is one of those non-negotiables that you just plain do. And they do it best when they know you are behind them with clear and consistent support and guidelines. So, instead of getting entangled in irritating debate about doing homework, be sure to use that time and energy to work together

Tips to Help the Homework Process

The place where parents get mired in homework issues is more commonly the process of completing homework, rather than the child’s actual ability to comprehend the academic task. The homework process revolves around the systems and routines in place for getting your child down to homework and sticking with it to the finish – before the night is highjacked by emotions. You need to know the techniques that work for your child to help her keep her eye on the homework ball and off distractions.

Following are tips and techniques to help the daily process run smoothly. These strategies are adaptable to the needs of students of all ages, as well as kids who struggle with the challenges of ADHD, high functioning autism and Asperger Syndrome.

Space
Give your child a regular location that is a home for homework. If a quiet space is what you decided your child needs, then your designated homework spot must be reliably off-limits and undisturbed by siblings and household interruptions.

Routines

Decide on a consistent routine you and your child can depend on to get homework started. Example: When your child comes home he sets a timer, eats a snack until the timer buzzes signaling homework time. If you work patiently with your child to stick loyally to the planned routine, it will pay off, soon becoming a habit.

Rules
Pre-plan rules for homework time. Work together with your child. You will probably be surprised at how sensible and honest your kids are about what the rules need to be. Of course, parents have the final say, and you need to carefully think through and prioritize your rules so that you have just the right ones and not too many at a time. There are four Rule Setting Rules. In a very concise nutshell, rules must be:

Short
Specific
Few
Enforceable

Consequences
A consequence is very different from a punishment. Consequences teach children how to struggle with the problem instead of with the parent. When your child ignores the rules of homework, you need to be ready with a fair and logical consequence. If the rule is Be at your homework spot at 5 pm and your child stays at a friend’s house until 5:30, grounding would not be logical. A natural and more effective consequence that flowed from the ‘infraction’ could be Pay back the time by taking 30 minutes off of homework breaks over one or two homework evenings. Most important, consequences have to be well thought out and not a result of in-the-moment parent frustration.

Rewards
The amount of money you spend on rewards does not guarantee or even correlate with getting the best behavior results from your child. The most important factor in how well rewards work is how meaningful they are to your child. Rewards must have a magnetic quality that makes homework more appealing than avoiding or rebelling.

There are rewards that thrill kids and monetarily cost you little or nothing but time, for example:

One to one uninterrupted time with you. Play a board game, go to the movies, go somewhere special with your teen that just the two of you can enjoy together. Your child will appreciate you focusing on what is important to him or her.
Turning the tables. Do a chore for your child. Give your child his own budget in the grocery store. Make it fun!

Prevent Parent Burnout
Establish clear guidelines for your child to know when and how to ask for help. Limit the demands your child makes on your time but be available to help when your child needs it. Your child may need only occasional attention to keep from dropping the ball, such as periodic words of encouragement. “Keep trying for 5 minutes and I will check back with you.” may be enough words to get your child through a tough homework moment. [And do not forget to check back as you said you would.]

Organization and Overwhelm
Calm your kids with little steps that help them to keep moving.

Break up assignments into a manageable series of small steps. Highlight five math questions and say,“Call me when you finish these.”
Lighten the load without taking away the learning experience. Your child can do the thinking while you do the busy work, such as cutting, pasting or copying down the questions.

Common Parent Pitfalls

With the best of intentions, parents can blunder into decisions that mushroom into bigger and more complicated behavior issues. Here are some things to watch for:

Falling into power struggles.
Does your child debate, negotiate or chronically avoid? Use a Specific Short Statement described earlier, to redirect your child back to work.

Focusing on failure. Do not talk too much about the negative. Say little about failed tests. Keep the focus on moving productively forward.

Too little listening. You will get to know a lot more about what works for your child if you are collecting information by encouraging your child to talk about feelings. This will be very helpful in guiding you to guide her.

Cooperation
If your child tends to draw you into negotiatiation, use one short specific statement to redirect your child back to homework. Here are two versions:

The Question Technique ” What do you need to be doing next?” or “What materials do you need for this task?” Repeat your question until you hear or see the result you are looking for. Do not be tempted to water down the message with any other words or comments.

The ”When” Statement. Smoothly handle requests that are not appropriate at homework time: “When you finish your homework we can talk about the weekend.” “When you are on homework break you can look for your missing CD.” “When you are sitting at your desk we will talk.” Wait for the action you are looking for, do not get lured into other conversation but do follow through with your commitment for what you say you are willing to give later.

Tips for Quirky Workers and Special Learners

Kids with ADHD, Autism and Asperger Syndrome or other developmental issues, need extra care in setting up a homework system that keeps emotions in check and encourages success.

Look for a deeper reason when your child is uncooperative. Argumentativeness or irritability can be a problem your child cannot articulate so this may be the way he is asking for help.

Be sensitive to your child’s sensitivities. Pay attention to complaints that may seem to you just little annoyances. Sounds, odors, lighting or prickly clothing can be distractions, and sources of discomfort that keep your child from fully focusing on homework.

Explore feelings Ask questions that lead your child to talk about what it feels like for him to be frustrated with homework. You may be amazed at how your child will open up to you when you open the avenues to talk. It may not change the difficulty of the homework but your child will have had an opportunity to vent and feel understood.

Understand your child’s is learning style. Kids who struggle are often visual learners. This means that images, colors, pictures and ‘movies in their minds’ can help them to achieve. Color-coding and memory strategies may be helpful.

Help your child remember his strengths at the times he is challenged by his weaknesses.Remind him of some recent progress. “I am so proud of how far you have come in Math”. Some kids struggle with academic work and for them it is important to stay involved in outside of school activities that highlight their strengths and keep them happily reminded of their talents.

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Closing Thought ~

Approach homework the way you taught your child to walk: give guidance, safety and encouragement, be there to get them back up when they fall. Your child’s mistakes and challenges teach self-control and problem solving skills.

What are the homework challenges in your household? I welcome your feedback. Write me at ellen@artofbehaviorchange.com

Copyright Ellen Mossman-Glazer 2009. All rights reserved. You are welcome to share or reprint this article, providing it remains as written with all contact and copyright information included along with a link to http://artofbehaviorchange.com This content is coaching and education and not intended to take the place of psychological services, where advised and appropriate. Contact me at ellen@artofbehaviorchange.com