By first understanding and working with your own feelings, you can set the stage for magical results with the very challenging people in your life!

1. Know your feelings – and how strong they may be – before you get into action with your challenging people.

2. Make behavior decisions that you will feel proud of. Your style will be their style. “They” learn by watching you and listening to you.

3. Know what others are feeling. Understand that you may not agree.

4. Find the words to convey your feelings without denying someone else theirs.

5. Seek out the good things in a situation, even if they are microscopic or a real stretch.

6. Be persistent – appropriately! Stay on track. Back off the track when you know you will get nowhere.

7. Monitor your impulses. Reflect on your own thinking that won’t help in the bigger picture.

8. You may need to withdraw your approval. But in the process don’t withdraw the love.

9. Have tools to manage your emotions before you are swept away by them.

10. Think about how you deliver your message. What would you be feeling if you were on the receiving end? Care about the feelings of the other person. It’s just the good old golden rule.

Refer to and live by these ‘process’ steps as you work with your challenging people and you will begin to see and feel how much easier it all can be.

Imagine that we each arrive into the world with a golden ball that is our life companion, bouncing and shimmering its way along side us throughout our lives. As we grow up, the glow of our golden ball grows brighter as our self-esteem blossoms. Through the messages we give our children, we make choices in how strong their golden balls glow. They may fade or grow ever more radiant as our loved ones develop pride in their competence. A wonderful consequence of nurturing pride is strong self-worth.

These ten tips will help your children or challenging loved ones to grow and glow ever more golden:

1. Praise even small acts of cooperation. They will glow with feeling appreciated.
2. Encourage them through their new experiences and challenges with “I believe in you” messages. They will glow with a sense of being trusted to work it out.
3. Give age and stage appropriate freedom and choices. They will glow with a sense of independence and opportunity.
4. Listen with your silence and respond without judgment. They will glow with self- respect.
5. Set guidelines and limits that are clear, fair and positive. They will glow with a sense of safety.
6. Allow your loved ones to see your mistakes and frailties. They will glow with self- acceptance.
7. Model your values for your children by living by them openly. They will glow with a sense of direction.
8. Smile and hug often and full out. They will glow with happy hearts and connectedness.
9. Honor their uniqueness, their quirks and their individuality. They will glow with creativity.
10. Help them explore what makes them proud of themselves. Invite them to tell you what makes them proud of you.They will glow with emotional intelligence.

Action Step: Bring out feelings of pride in your challenging loved one~

For the next week, plan to find daily opportunities to say “I am very proud of you!” Sincerity is supreme. Say it only when you are feeling genuinely proud. Say it with feeling. Be smiling. Be amazed. But do be yourself and say “I am VERY proud of you because — – —–!” It can be about even the teeny tiniest accomplishment. And when you start really looking, feeling proud is not hard to find.

Find out what Works: After a few days ask yourself these questions:

• Were my ‘pride statements’ novel enough to grab the attention of my child, student, or other challenging loved one?
• Has there been some noticeable behavior change?
• In what other settings or situations can I continue to nurture pride?

Case Study

My 39 year old client, Peter, who has Asperger Syndrome, is quite charming and social but was experiencing continual rejection in social settings because he would monopolize the conversation with his favorite two questions. Peter was fascinated with whales and he just loved a new audience to search out different opinions of the same factual questions: “How many species of whales are there in the world?” and “Which oceans do they live in?” Most people don’t know and are not interested in the answer, so Peter found himself sitting alone and feeling alienated after five minutes in a room. It did not matter that he already knew the answers to these questions which had been a lifetime fixation.

We designed a strategy that cues Peter to divert the questioning and instead say ” Oh! I have the answer to that question, don’t I?” What makes the strategy successful is that immediately after he stops himself from slipping into repetitive questioning, it is important to Peter to hear (from the supporting adult) his favorite praise phrase, “I am so proud of you!” Eventually Peter began to catch himself ahead of the cue. It is especially important to notice and acknowledge that type of spontaneous behavior improvement with an even more specific praise statement such as “I am so proud of you for stopping yourself! ” or “I am so proud of you for remembering you did not need to ask that question while you were at the dance!”

Keep in mind, our challenging loved ones are all unique. Find your unique way of adapting these tips.

Occasions such as holidays, weddings, anniversaries or even memorials are ripe opportunities for your boundaries and your integrity to be tested by the unhealthy behavior habits of those around you. You can love your family, friends or co-workers immensely, but there is something about special events that can bring out the crazy in everyone. There might be a family gathering or an office party that you would rather bow out of, but you decide to go as one of your ‘shoulds,’ trusting your instincts that this is one you better show up at. But history may also have taught you that you have to be careful with your truth and your trust. Here are some think ahead pointers that you may find will ring your holiday bells:

1. Gifts: Be gentle on your bank account and spend within your budget. To keep to your personal limits, it might be best to buy a humbler gift rather than ‘go in’ with someone whose taste may not be in your budget. If you get into lavish or beyond your budget gift giving in order to please others, you are not likely to get any more appreciation than the economical, thoughtfully chosen gift.
2. Dinners: If you only feel like bringing the jello, only bring the jello. Some families and friends have expectations that do not match your capacity to give at this point in time. They don’t know your life like you do. Take care of yourself and promise only what you can comfortably do.
3. Spirituality: Do it your way. Sometimes our way of being spiritual grows away from what we were taught or what ‘everyone else’ is doing. Go where you feel you fit. Don’t go. Go inside yourself. Do go it your way.
4. The Gala: Go and keep it light. Gravitate to the people you are comfortable with. Smile, say please and thank you and talk about the weather. Stay out of the kitchen [where conversations tend to heat up] and you will keep your cool. Understay your welcome. Think ahead about predictable behavior patterns from your people groups and prepare for it. Leave before you lose it. Leave before you know they’ll lose it.
5. Traditions: Sometimes they wear out. Or they are just not uplifting any more. If you used to do something because it was an activity you enjoyed sharing with your grandpa and he’s not here anymore, maybe its time to retire that plan and celebrate life in new ways that fit your life of today. Create new traditions or re-create fondly remembered ones.
6. Friends: Incorporate friends into family holiday plans. Friends are great buffers to keep it light and keep the family charming. What is the definition of ‘friend’? These are the people you choose! They adore you. Take them with you to challenging functions.
7. The Children: Hang out with them. Kids are fun and interesting people at a party. Or just observe them. Enjoy their delightful honesty, their innocence and their ability to be themselves. Laugh with them. Let them be your models. You model for them healthy social relating.
8. The Mail: Leave it a mystery. If it is the style of your critics to write stuff that is not in the uplifting spirit of the occasion, don’t open the envelope! Do you open junk mail? If your instincts tell you that you may have to read a junk message that will be draining on your brain, and you decide to take the risk, be confident that you can dismiss it with an “Oh well that’s who they are.” And don’t dwell on it, move your thoughts onward.
9. Self-Talk: Your memories love to come out on special occasions and replay the negative experiences from years gone by. If holiday tension tends to wind up being “your fault” just remember: That is ‘their’ illusion. Because they talk does not mean you have to believe. You know what is right. You will get more respect for being who you are than for hopelessly trying to please.
10. You: Plan carefully so that your memories are most likely to store feelings of fondness after the festivities. Check in with your intuition. Do your best to go and be where you see joy and peace on the horizon.

Once overwhelm sets in and your child is melting down under a confusing to-do pile, it is can be a frantic challenge to dig her out and settle her down. Here are six pro-active strategies; so start now to see them really work!

1. Plan ahead. Shift gears before homework burn out sets in. We adults need quick pick-me-ups through the day; coffee breaks, power naps, a few deep stretches to keep alert. So do our kids. Work with your kids to help them discover their personal strategies to refresh and refocus.

2.Take many mini breaks. Plan for them so your student can look forward to a periodic relaxer. This is a good strategy to help kids with ADHD or Asperger Syndrome, or High Functioning Autism. If focus and concentration on a non -preferred activity is a challenge, you can build time on task. Break every 15 minutes or every 5 minutes if that’s where you can start with success.

3. Use their talents and interests to motivate at work time and enjoy at break time. At the pre-determined break time, it might be one round of table hockey or ten minutes with the colored markers or….just be sure to establish the rules ahead of time, something like ” this is a ‘mini break’ and a privilege and I trust you to stop and get right back to work when the time is up.” A minute timer is handy to keep nearby and you might be pleasantly surprised at how your child monitors his own breaks.

4. Just stop working for a while or for the day. Let the brain recharge. Loosen up on your homework rules when you know it makes sense, but make it a rare event. You know your child’s limits: when she will respond well to an extra push and when she is unable to push forward another bit.

5.Begin to handle a small piece of long-term projects as soon as the assignment comes in.Bigger projects are an opportunity to help your child learn to organize with mind mapping techniques.

6. Keep in steady contact with teachers. Be pro-active in preventing overwhelm in the form of an avalanche of assignments. Incomplete homework may suddenly show up, buried in folders or at the backpack bottom, and it all comes out as the grading period is coming to a close. Most teachers are happy to work on homework systems with parents to avoid late-semester chaos when it is too late anyway to catch up on those lost grades. If your child has an IEP, work together with the school to help your child make the best of his modification plan. Or follow that model; create a working relationship with your child’s teachers; set up a weekly meeting or phone call for a homework progress review or communicate in writing daily through a planner book.

Very Important Final Tip: Practice these steps before you have a homework crisis on your hands!

Help your kids manage their emotions and avoid sabotaging their good times with impulsive behavior. This is especially challenging for kids and adults who are highly sensitive, or who have Asperger Syndrome, Autism or ADHD.

Here are seven strategies to help them handle frustration.

1. Help them find in-the-moment strategies for self-calming. Make your child an active participant in exploring what will work best for him. ‘Take a break’. ‘Tune in to what’s happening with your body’. ‘Take your mind to an imaginary place that feels peaceful’.

2. Get clear on triggers that send your child into meltdown. Ask questions like “What happens just before you want to explode?” Notice patterns, such as tiredness or hunger that wear down energy and bring on irritable moods. Once you identify triggers, you can then work on helping your child to avoid ‘losing it’.

3. For kids who don’t or won’t talk much, create a system where they write or tape their feelings to be shared when they are ready. This is a great way to safely vent feelings and often, that’s as far as it may need to go.

4. Agree on signals that will cue your child to avoid behaviors that invite frustration or embarrassment. Sometimes they just do not know until it’s too late. You may not always be able to be at the scene, but when you can, have a subtle way of sending a “You are heading for trouble”message. It may be a wink or a gesture as subtle as smoothing your hair back – just enough for her to pick up the cue and say “Woops!” and do a self-correction.

5. Help your child to think ahead about the consequences to his actions. Ask questions like“What will it feel like after you do this?” and “What do you think will happen if —?”

6. Help your child prepare for the inevitable mistakes. Ask thinking questions of your child: “How will you help yourself make a correction for the future?” or “What can you do right away if this happens again?”

7. Make it safe for your child to come you to process what happened. If you preach, judge or over-teach you may not get another chance to help for a long time.

Copyright Ellen Mossman-Glazer 2005. All rights reserved. You are welcome to share or reprint this article, providing it remains as written with all contact and copyright information included along with a link to http://artofbehaviorchange.com This content is coaching and education and not intended to take the place of psychological services, where advised and appropriate.