Has your child ever wandered away from you in a big open crowded place – the mall, an airport a parking lot, in the Santa Claus line?

My story: When my son Matthew was four, he very quietly left our sides as his dad and I were engrossed in a cool potential purchase. Matt just up and sauntered out of a busy store into the throngs of people walking the mall. We were confident Matt was right there by one of us, until we snapped to consciousness, looked down and there was no Matt in sight. We exchanged horrifying looks of panic and bolted out of the store to search for our son, squeezing through the mobs to get across the mall. We found Matthew within minutes, but the search felt like eternity. We had followed our hunch, and sure enough, there was our Matt, sitting like the perfect preschooler quiet and cross-legged on the floor, beneath a row of TV’s, his curly head adorably tilted up, fixated on Big Bird. That is the huge moment of relief when you are torn between hugging him and yelling at him.

Kids want to do the same things we want to do in new places – roam around feeding our curiosity and gravitating to what interests us. Holiday time is extra tantalizing.  Glitzy mall decor. Larger than life airport attractions – big windows filled with runways and planes, huge signs pointing in all directions to shuttle trains, escalators and terminals.

Pro-active planning reduces the chances you will have one of those frantic, fearful events. Kids like to extend the boundaries when away from home, which makes it even more important to have your positive child discipline strategies in place.

These strategies do NOT replace a continual close watch on your child. While you are watching, your child is burning off  energy, enjoying some choices, and learning from new sights. You are having an easier time making your way through a busy place, and disciplining less!

Keep your younger kids safe (with just enough freedom) when you are on the move with

THREE SIMPLE  CONCISE CUE PHRASES

1. HOLD HANDS “When we are holding hands, I am keeping you safe in busy strange places. I will tell you when you can let go. This is maximum security, when you know it is a time to take no chances.

2. BE NEXT TO ME. “This means you cannot walk away.”  Explain  to older children “ If we are not holding hands  that means I trust you to stay next to me until I tell you it okay to do something different. “

3. BE WHERE I CAN SEE YOU “This means you can walk around nearby, a little as long as I can see you wherever you are and you can see me”. (Be sure you will be able to keep a straight line of vision to your child, and that she can  hear your voice.)

Prepare your child well in advance. Talk about the new system. Adjust the cue system according to your child’s age, stage of development and self-discipline with freedom opportunities. If your toddler has not had much experience leaving the stroller, practicing in more contained areas is a safer start.

Cue phrases work for kids and adults. Parents do not have to be tethered to their kids every second. Kids have some choice to have limited freedom to enjoy the delight of new sights. Parents are always in charge and make the judgment call about how close kids must stay.

How to Talk to your Younger Kids About the New Plan …

Preparing

“When we go to big busy places, I know you want to run and see all the interesting things to look at. First, I need to keep you safe. So we have a plan that we are going to practice and remember whenever we go places where there are a lot of people”.

“There are THREE different ways we can do it. I will tell you which the safe one is.”

“When I say ‘One, Two, Three, come back’, you must come back quickly.”

“When you listen quickly, it tells me I can let you do it again.”

Watch for the  next posting  on  best strategies for practicing these tips.

How did these tips work for you? I welcome your comments!

Ellen

Parents, do you get weary from the steady flow of needs, issues and dilemmas that are part of being with kids?

Your emotional well being matters if you want to be an effective parent.
And it takes discipline to keep doing what you don’t feel like stepping up to.
Just like your standard new year’s resolutions – ‘Eat less.’ ‘Spend more time with the kids.’ – deep down you know everything there is to know about the actions you need to take. The problem is that over time, your resolve gradually slips away until you have lost control of the situation. So here is a little parenting wake call up to help you improve your relationship with your kids and restore energy you thought you would never recoup.

These tips can work with children of every age, and may be customized to the special needs of kids and adults who have Asperger Syndrome, high functioning autism or ADHD. Parenting is a creative act so these tips will fit bettere for some situations than others. Pick one to start working on, write it down, work on it for 10 days, and evaluate.

4 Choices for New Resolve

1. Say it once. When you give your child a reminder or a direction, are you wearing yourself out with words and getting no farther ahead? Your children know exactly how many repeats they get before you mean business. The key is to be serious the first time you give the direction. Until then, you are actually saying, “But you don’t really have to bother listening to me yet.” Expect immediate cooperation. Don’t wait until you are fit to be tied to finally give the consequence.

The Resolution: One chance and the consequence is next. [In select situations, you might decide to have a 'one warning' system, and then the consequence comes, without fail.]

2. Don’t give wiggle room. With kids, avoidance is in; cooperation is out. When you say, “Take out the trash” do you mean, “Go take out the trash” or do you mean, “Go take out the trash as soon as I start to scream at you.”? Say the minimum and wait. In a few types of situations, you may need to coach your challenging loved one through the steps of the task. Even then, use only the words you need. Do not embellish in the hope it will help. You will just be falling for their bargaining and ploys to buy time in hopes they get out of the expectation.

The Resolution: Keep it to a short specific statement and wait to see if you need to move into the consequence phase.

3. Don’t explain so much. When you want something done, are you hoping to be talked out of it? You say “No.”? Then why would you go into the ‘why’? Just tell the ‘what’ , the ‘where’ and / or the ‘when’. Example: “Before you leave [when] put your dishes [what] in the sink [where]. Then stop talking. Your kids will know that there is nowhere to go when they cannot go down a long road of talk. [If every rule has an exception, there are cases where you might want to explain in detail - ONCE - to be sure that it is very clear what needs to be done. A child on the autism spectrum may need specific instruction and to understand the 'why'; a child with ADHD may need a reminder cue until the habit is established.]

The Resolution: Act with confidence.

4. Finish what you start. If you are reminding your child to feed the dog and you remember he did not rake the leaves, do not launch into everything that never got taken care of. That is a strategy that accomplishes nothing because you have gone on a tangent instead of solving a problem. By the time you finish, you won’t remember what you started. And it becomes a useless cycle.

The Resolution: Keep to one topic at a time.

If you want to really hold yourself to it, ask a friend or family member to keep you accountable, with a consequence to yourself if you miss or forget the goal. The threat of doing kitchen clean up duty [instead of the kids!] may be just the trick to keep you in line.

Priorities of parents and teachers are usually quite different than the priorities of their kids. Kids are expert testers of limits with precision radar for just how far they can push you. The struggle can get so tough that it is understandable when the adults find themselves shortcutting their way through a matter just so they can put it behind them or move on to something else. The result is that the long-term reward is sacrificed to get the immediate relief they crave.

But you will experience a splendid payoff sooner than you can imagine if you dedicate yourself to keeping your eye on the behavior prize. It takes a little discipline and a lot of resolve but it gets easier and soon, instead of agonizing about the problem, you will be having more fun as you interact with the kids in your life. These four powerful tips will help parents and educators to teach respect, get respect and make life easier for everyone:

1. Do what you say you will. When you tell your child that fighting with her sister means time out, do you mean to say “If I am not too tired or if I am angry enough I will make sure you go to time out.” Do not fall into the fantasy that giving in will make your child happy or keep peace. Exactly the opposite, your kids crave those limits that keep them safe from the burden of having to test them all the time.

The Resolution: Give your child the gift of consistency.

2. Be careful about the commitments you make. That means, make no enticing promises until you are sure you can follow through. If you tell your teen you are going to the mall or your toddler you are going to the park, then you let them down, you are teaching them they cannot rely on what you say. And you give them opportunities to criticize you, and be right about it. Demonstrate integrity and accountability for your words. As they grow up, why would your kids keep their word if you don’t? They do what you teach them.

The Resolution: Before you talk about your plans, think them through thoroughly. [Apologize and reschedule if something serious comes up, just as you would with anyone else.]

3. Be sure you are asking for something your child can deliver. Sometimes parents or teachers take for granted their kids can “just do it” You may be expecting them to accomplish something they have not mastered. There are many versions of teeth well brushed. They may be lost at how to prepare, organize or start a task. Kids get stuck, wanting to please but struggling with how to meet your expectations.

The Resolution: Spend the time needed to work with your child to fully learn the skills you expect to see.

4. Give positive consequences! Kids do not get enough words of praise. If your child does something new and improved, praise with specific words.”Thank you for remembering to call home when you said you would.” Don’t spoil the success by picking up on other problems. Parents tend to roll their praising into complaining, going to the next thing they want fixed for example “Well, you did a good job of cleaning your room but you aren’t brushing your teeth very well.” Let them have little victories to build their sense of pride and motivate them to keep trying. If your child has struggled to get through a tough school project or made a breakthrough on something that has been a challenge, celebrate. One to one time is a priceless gift to give your child. Play a game together. Cook something together.

The resolution: Give them praise and special time together and they will have no reason to tune you out.

Make it a priority to keep working on these and you will be amazed at how it just keeps getting better!