When you want your kids to make better decisions, and especially teens and tweens, they are not going to change until they see that what they are currently doing is not helping them. To help them refashion their vision, you can be the catalyst without being the bad guy.

Use the questions that follow to help your kids grapple with issues important to their lives-getting along with friends, getting homework done or making smart choices in the face of peer pressure. Kids have a lot of wisdom we don’t always see. By posing questions, you guide them to manage their lives without telling them what to do.

Start as young and early as you feel your children are able to handle the thinking process behind these questions. You can adjust language and details for age and developmental stage.

First, Some Dos and Don’ts:

Do not choose topics for these questions that may require you to over rule the decision your child comes up with.

Do: Stay in the present. Your kids know the history very well and getting into past behaviors will just turn them off. You want the focus to stay on growth and future behaviors.

Do not be pushy about getting to the answers-just let them live for a while with the question.

Do: Stay neutral. No judgments. No opinion. No lectures. And no rubbing it in later if they falter. Give them space, time to practice, and to learn what to do with success and failure.

Do not overload. Just one question can be a big bite for your child to chew on for a while.

Do: Introduce the questions gently. You know your child and how much and how receptive he or she is likely to be with your new strategy. Presentation can mean everything here!

Problem Solving Coaching Questions

1. Can you accept the results or consequences of the behavior you are choosing now?

2. Are you thinking short term or long term? Which do you think is the best way to go with this?

3. Can you accept responsibility for whatever happens as a result of your choices?

4. Do you see that behavior is a choice?

5. What do you want one year from now? What do you want one month from now?

6. Is it reasonable to believe what you are currently doing will get you the best thing in the long run?

7. What are you doing now that’s not working?

8. What would you like to do differently in the future?

9. Is what you are doing right now helping you with what you really really want for yourself?

10. What makes you feel proud of yourself?

Now parents, step aside and let your children and these questions take their course. If your kids are receptive to giving you feedback that is great. But you may not need to hear any words; the resulting behavior change will speak to you.

Those simple single syllable emotion words are the first and easiest for young children to learn. Then, as they grow, it is time for parents, educators and caregivers to help them move beyond sad, mad and glad…

A Different Curriculum

When kids come home with A’s and B’s in reading writing and math, parents feel a sense of security that their children are building the skills that will help them succeed in life. Then there is a whole set of different and important skills, which help our kids get smarter about the variety of emotions they feel and encounter on a daily basis.

Understanding one’s own emotions can make the difference between a physical fight and a deep breath. Understanding in- the-moment emotions of others is an invaluable social skill. For children and adults with Asperger Syndrome and Autism, navigating the territory of emotions is a particularly puzzling challenge.

Here are a few solid reasons to create your own emotional intelligence curriculum.

• Children learn to feel comfortable with expressing fears, guilt or feelings of isolation, when it is natural to discuss emotions with their trusted adults. Many kids keep quiet about toxic feelings that build up and need to be expressed to those adults.
• When we teach our challenging loved ones to appropriately handle an emotional experience, for example anger, they are equipped with positive options to replace the knee jerk impulses that lead to negativity and confrontation. An emotionally tuned in child can say “I feel like I am going to burst into a rage, but I know there are people I can go talk to right away.”
• Self-confidence builds and helps to pave the way for kids to use their talents and stretch their abilities when they have a sense of control about being able to handle an emotional situation.

Take Action: Build a Feelings Vocabulary

Following are six fun ways for parents, caregivers and educators to weave an informal curriculum of emotional education into the daily routine:

1. Spend time with your kids, exploring emotions found in the everyday media they enjoy – books, TV, movies. When reading picture books with young children, help them explore the illustrations for emotions. Dramatize the story by weaving in feeling words: “The wolf was seething with frustration when he could not get into the house.” With your older children, initiate discussion about characters and events in their favorite shows. Attach interesting feeling words to their observations. A ‘perplexing’ problem. A ‘moody’ friend. An ‘inspiring’ teacher. An ‘annoying’ classmate. A ‘monotonous’ story. Ask questions like “What would you feel?” Watch for cues from the characters: hands on hips, eyes wide, frowning.

2. Teach the many hues of an emotion. Sad has many faces: When a child says, “I feel sad” he may actually want to articulate worry, loneliness, or helplessness. Sadness related to a loss can range from disappointment to grieving. Help them to say what they are feeling, with specificity. Be sure to be age appropriate. You don’t want your children to walk around sounding like emotional dictionaries, “I was just devastated that Jordan did not invite me to his birthday party.” However, you can help your children to more precisely label what they feel. ” I was disappointed.” “I felt ignored.” “It made me angry.”

3. Play drama games. Make a list of feeling words and their corresponding body language and facial expressions. Be dramatic. Be silly. Exaggerate to make the point! This is a good exercise with children and young adults who have High Functioning Autism or Asperger Syndrome because they need explicit instruction in how to ‘read’ people’s faces and behaviors. Help them see and experience the various nuances of a single emotion.

4. Enrich emotion vocabulary with Feelings Face Cards. Each card has a face expressing a particular emotion. They are a fun and useful visual tool for discriminating human moods and emotions. Use real life situations, or make them up, and brainstorm appropriate responses to the emotion. “If you felt [jealous/confused/afraid] what would you do?” See below for a link to free feelings face graphics.

5. Avert a looming crisis by labeling a negative emotion as you see it coming. When your child is on emotional overload, sometimes just acknowledging what she is going through will help her stay composed. For example, Parent: “You feel just too tired and cranky to finish your homework.” Child: “Yes!”

6. Create picture collections of real life situations that portray an emotion. For example, for the emotion proud, collect pictures of faces and events that depict pride and proud moments. When working with children or adults with Asperger Syndrome or Autism, start with one emotion word and build, spending lots of time working with the ‘visuals’ of each emotion. This is a terrific way to spend time with your child in an ongoing project, organizing the images on index cards or in a scrapbook. Create activities with them: categorizing, role-play, rate the feelings for intensity, write stories about them. Ask lots of reflection type questions. Be imaginative and keep the feeling words rolling along!

Sprinkled through this issue are some of the more useful emotion words to work with. Here are a few more good ones to equip you child through the daily ups and downs.

Unsure – Impatient – Amazed – Embarrassed – Jealous – Anxious – Loving – Ashamed Questions to Inspire Feelings Talk

“What can you do to help someone feel [happy]?”
“How would you know if someone felt [scared]?”
“What can you do when you feel [impatient]?”

Remember the feeling!
“How do you feel?” is always answered by emotion words. “I have a ton of work and I don’t know how I will get through it.” does not tell what one feels, although in that simple example, most of us get the message. “I am overwhelmed with work and worried about finishing on time.” does clearly tell the feeling.

Here is your on-line activity resource:
Feelings Faces Cards http://feelingsfacescards.com Have fun! Copyright Ellen Mossman-Glazer 2009. All rights reserved. You are welcome to share or reprint this article, providing it remains as written with all contact and copyright information included along with a link to http://artofbehaviorchange.com This content is coaching and education and not intended to take the place of psychological services, where advised and appropriate. Contact me at ellen@artofbehaviorchange.com