Has your child ever wandered away from you in a big open crowded place – the mall, an airport a parking lot, in the Santa Claus line?

My story: When my son Matthew was four, he very quietly left our sides as his dad and I were engrossed in a cool potential purchase. Matt just up and sauntered out of a busy store into the throngs of people walking the mall. We were confident Matt was right there by one of us, until we snapped to consciousness, looked down and there was no Matt in sight. We exchanged horrifying looks of panic and bolted out of the store to search for our son, squeezing through the mobs to get across the mall. We found Matthew within minutes, but the search felt like eternity. We had followed our hunch, and sure enough, there was our Matt, sitting like the perfect preschooler quiet and cross-legged on the floor, beneath a row of TV’s, his curly head adorably tilted up, fixated on Big Bird. That is the huge moment of relief when you are torn between hugging him and yelling at him.

Kids want to do the same things we want to do in new places – roam around feeding our curiosity and gravitating to what interests us. Holiday time is extra tantalizing.  Glitzy mall decor. Larger than life airport attractions – big windows filled with runways and planes, huge signs pointing in all directions to shuttle trains, escalators and terminals.

Pro-active planning reduces the chances you will have one of those frantic, fearful events. Kids like to extend the boundaries when away from home, which makes it even more important to have your positive child discipline strategies in place.

These strategies do NOT replace a continual close watch on your child. While you are watching, your child is burning off  energy, enjoying some choices, and learning from new sights. You are having an easier time making your way through a busy place, and disciplining less!

Keep your younger kids safe (with just enough freedom) when you are on the move with

THREE SIMPLE  CONCISE CUE PHRASES

1. HOLD HANDS “When we are holding hands, I am keeping you safe in busy strange places. I will tell you when you can let go. This is maximum security, when you know it is a time to take no chances.

2. BE NEXT TO ME. “This means you cannot walk away.”  Explain  to older children “ If we are not holding hands  that means I trust you to stay next to me until I tell you it okay to do something different. “

3. BE WHERE I CAN SEE YOU “This means you can walk around nearby, a little as long as I can see you wherever you are and you can see me”. (Be sure you will be able to keep a straight line of vision to your child, and that she can  hear your voice.)

Prepare your child well in advance. Talk about the new system. Adjust the cue system according to your child’s age, stage of development and self-discipline with freedom opportunities. If your toddler has not had much experience leaving the stroller, practicing in more contained areas is a safer start.

Cue phrases work for kids and adults. Parents do not have to be tethered to their kids every second. Kids have some choice to have limited freedom to enjoy the delight of new sights. Parents are always in charge and make the judgment call about how close kids must stay.

How to Talk to your Younger Kids About the New Plan …

Preparing

“When we go to big busy places, I know you want to run and see all the interesting things to look at. First, I need to keep you safe. So we have a plan that we are going to practice and remember whenever we go places where there are a lot of people”.

“There are THREE different ways we can do it. I will tell you which the safe one is.”

“When I say ‘One, Two, Three, come back’, you must come back quickly.”

“When you listen quickly, it tells me I can let you do it again.”

Watch for the  next posting  on  best strategies for practicing these tips.

How did these tips work for you? I welcome your comments!

Ellen

What we Learned in Kindergarten

In pre-school, where a big chunk of the curriculum revolves around sociability, you can hear the specific details of a social behavior weaving through the daily dialogue. Listen to the teacher: “Sit in your spot and put your hands in your lap. Wait until it is your turn to speak. Raise your hand to say something.” Keep to the schedule: “It’s time to stop what you are doing. Pick up the toys. Put them neatly in their spots on the shelf. Then come sit quietly on the carpet.” There you have the clearly articulated, easily visualized micro steps that teach preschoolers to socialize, organize and ‘behave’ in a group setting. Then as academics move to the front of classroom priorities, social curriculum fades.

For our challenging loved ones, who continue to need to hear the information imbedded in those micro steps, school is a baffling and unfriendly place. The student with Asperger Syndrome who loves to be the researcher of the facts for a science project is unaware of the required ‘give and take’ in a cooperative learning group. Because she comes across as overbearing and inflexible, her peers tune her out, exclude her from group membership, and she has lost out on the joys of learning. The smart, active ADHD child has no strategies to contain his impulses and channel his abundant energy into his schoolwork, and so wanders around on the periphery of the learning action though he would really love to be center stage with his talents.

Along with their ‘challenging’ characteristics, every one of our challenging loved ones have their unique and often very charming set of strengths, talents and interests, which they yearn to share with others in some way. However, their behaviors tend to send a different, contradictory, self-sabotaging message. Shemay be solely focused on a preoccupation or her perfectionism. He may be an entrenched avoider, a self-appointed boss, or a full time worrier– or perhaps he does not seem to worry at all about the consequences of his choices. Her super sensitivity to touch or sound may invite alienation. Middle and senior high kids are labeled ‘losers’ because they are seen awkwardly wandering, lost in the halls of their own schools.

These are examples of the kid types who are stuck inside themselves, with their faces pressed upon the windows that look out at the social world of their peers, to whom everything seems to come effortlessly. Their peers know how to fit in and their reward is acceptance. And these challenging children grow up to be adults that also wander–lost in relationships, job settings and their social community. They are stuck in a confusing, isolating place, mostly misunderstood, misread, mysteries to themselves and others. And what they are really communicating through their behavior, is how very difficult it is to adapt to the world around them.

The Hidden Curriculum

What stands between those who are in the action and those stuck on the inside looking out? It has become known as the ‘hidden curriculum.’ They need steady education and specific skill coaching through those micro steps because it is not automatic for them to ‘get’ what is going on and then figure out ‘what happened’ or ‘learn their lessons’ from playing unfair or breaking promises, or ‘hogging’ the scene. In his book, It’s So Much Work to Be Your Friend, Richard Lavoie, M.A. M.Ed., discusses how each school has it own individual culture, which determines the details of the hidden curriculum and thus what it takes to be ‘in.’ He says “Your child is tested on his academic skills every few days, but his social interactions are ‘tested’ and evaluated hundreds of times each day.”

For our challenging loved ones who may have a diagnosis of ADHD, High Functioning Autism or Asperger Syndrome or another that brings with it behavioral challenges, the rules of social acceptance are invisible …until they have the opportunity to learn the micro steps.

What is a Micro Step?

‘Micro steps’ are the very teeny tiniest instructional steps that give the most specific and direct information to help your challenging loved one learn the how-to’s of being social or getting the job done. Micro steps are the missing ingredients that lie between what parents and teachers already know about behavior change, and what is left to insert into their behavior change or social skill-building program. Identifying those essential micro steps can be a very challenging puzzle. Micro skill building is a creative and systematic process where little batches of skills are woven together, with the incredibly wonderful payoff of teaching our challenging loved ones to navigate life independently, appropriately and happily!

The Broad Stroke Skill Sets

Following are some of the wider groups of skills which break down into the micro steps that are key to school and social success:

• self awareness and self reflection
• friendship building
• public appropriateness
• non verbal cues and emotional messages
• consideration: giving it and getting it
• choice and decision making
• mood tools and calming strategies
• putting personal strengths and interests to work
• disappointment and resilience
• handling rejection and bullying

And here are some of the ingredients that put the ‘Art’ into a behavior change program: goals, rules, feelings, rewards, feedback, motivation, structure, natural consequences, feelings of safety and belonging and more…

Exercise: The One Week Question

Here is the very first step in creating a social curriculum: Peer into the life experiences of your challenging loved one.

Spend one whole week focusing on what you see, feel and hear related to one question from the list below. Keep ‘the’ question tucked in the front of your brain, as you go through the regular weekday routines on into the weekend activities. Quietly observe. Collect pieces to the puzzle. Be curious. Wait patiently for information-collecting opportunities. Reflect about what is really going on. Make notes. Remember these are not solution questions. We are not there yet…now the questions:

• What are the biggest obstacles your challenging loved one encounters on a daily basis?
• If you needed to, could you accurately describe what the world is like through the eyes of your challenging loved one? Explore this.
• When the day has gone surprisingly well, can you identify any patterns or differences that might account for the better [and tougher] moments?

The answers you come up with will sharpen your insights about what is really going on. That knowledge will help you define the micro steps and be on your way to artfully customizing and individualizing a successful behavior program for your challenging loved one.

The words you use to state your rules supply important directions for how to get somewhere. When someone gives you driving directions, can you get there with: “To get to my house go west and turn right in about 15 minutes”? Too general. Too many possible choices. Vague. A well-stated rule is clear in its directions, describing exactly where you want a behavior to go.

Do your Rules Inspire Action? A rule answers the question “What is expected of me?” A well-phrased answer turns your rule into an action that can be clearly seen or heard. As an example, let’s explore a very short important rule, posted in every classroom and found in some way everywhere we go in life.

Listen to some of the many variations of how “Listen!” can look or feel when the message is put into the clearest of choice of words:

• “Have your eyes looking at me when I am talking.” (Be socially appropriate.)
• “Do what you have been asked – right away!” (Sense of urgency)
• “Be silent while I am speaking.” (I feel disrespected.)
• “Close your books and look up to the front.” (Take an immediate action, please.)
• “Put the game back into your backpack.” (Remove the distraction and give your full attention.)

Now you may say that we just know from the context of a situation what behavior is expected. True, for most…

A Case Study: What Does “Be Nice” Look Like for this Man with Autism?

For the first time in his life, Thomas at 35 was attending a Saturday night social for adults with developmental disorders. Thomas had High Functioning Autism. Upon arriving at the club, Thomas would quickly gravitate to the types of people who would be his perfect audience. He loved the limelight and good listeners who were not inclined to interrupt his long tales about his fascination with horse movies. If the ‘ wrong ‘ person wandered over, Thomas would protect his center stage by abrupt comments such as “Go away, you will interrupt me.” Or “You won’t be interested in this.” From his own experience, Thomas knew what it felt like to be treated unkindly and he did express genuine sadness when we pointed out how he hurt people’s feelings. Tacked up in clear view on the club house wall was a poster: Ground Rules for Making Friends, and the first item was Be Nice to Others.Thomas made no connection between that rule and the screening process he created in his determination to share his fascination. Thomas truly did not know what ‘nice’ and ‘not nice’ meant in such a situation. To him, he was just ‘saying it like it is’ and to others it was crushing. Thomas was baffled about what corrective action to take when his peers complained to program supervisors.

To help Thomas with his social skills and interpreting rules, we created a two step Action Plan.

1. Thomas was given this question to explore:

What do I need to do to be nice to others at the club?

Together we came up with:

Include everyone who wants to be in the group.

See if new people are interested in famous movie horses.

Think about how I would feel.

Stop at the decided upon time.

Self-monitor by looking at my watch.

2. Thomas helped to craft a statement for himself that would give him the words to create his ‘audience’ and also practice ‘nice’ behaviors.

“I am talking about famous horses. Would you be willing to listen for a few minutes?” When he began to feel territorial about his social circle, this question helped Thomas to handle his anxiety and get assurance that he would have his limelight time. It worked well – Thomas had plenty of time to talk to his satisfaction. We also set a time limit, which he would monitor himself, and step out of the limelight and practice his ‘audience’ skills. A support person would monitor this and in a matter of time, Thomas was able to estimate for himself when to call it quits.

To get him reflecting on the payoff of his new behavior, Thomas was asked the question: How does this new plan help you have a better time at the club? Thomas answered, “People invite me to sit at their table when I invite them to listen to my horse movie stories.” Thomas was able to connect how ‘being nice to others’ brightened up life at the club.

Remember to choose your words so that they vividly teach the how-to’s of being social.

When parents and teachers say they are about to give up on their behavior modification system, it is often a straightforward matter of fine-tuning the rewards component.

Here are six questions to help you explore and improve your rewards:

1. Are the rewards you are currently using the best choices for your child? Who picked these rewards? Did your child have input? Or did you choose the rewards because you liked them? If you like the idea of the science center but your child would be thrilled with a bowling outing, which is the greater incentive to your child? Of course, introduce your child to the wonders of the science center, but not as a behavior motivator. The object of a reward is to give the child something that he will really want to strive for.

2.Are you keeping the reward a separate and very special event? If the reward for a behavior is a game of pinball, then your child plays pinball only when it has been earned according to your behavior change program and no other time. Just as an A+ is reserved for the best work, pinball games are reserved for the expected actions. If pinball is your incentive, don’t water down the reward by saying “You can play pinball if you are bored.” Find something else to overcome boredom.

3. Are you rewarding too frequently or too elaborately? When rewards come easy, the fun goes out of them. When rewards come too quick it takes the edge off the anticipation and actually tells your child you don’t expect too much. Give big, expensive rewards few and far between. Match the size of a reward to the difficulty of expectations and time it takes to earn them. Smaller rewards on a schedule where they can be earned more frequently, is best.

4. Is your child rewarded too scantily? Don’t let your child grind down in order to reach a reward. If the work is too hard for too long, your child may not even bother trying. One of the most heartbreaking scenarios in a classroom is when everyone is competing for the same thing but there is a huge span in the levels of ability. The kids left behind are usually the same kids over and over. When working with groups, vary the skills required to get to the rewards. Some kids just cannot do speed but given time, accuracy is where they shine. Make it fair and achievable for everyone.

5. Are you following through consistently? Kids are experts at knowing how they can dodge your expectations or get you to give up. If you find yourself saying, “It isn’t working!” chances are very good that you are uneven in following the specifications of your behavior change program.

6. Does your child understand exactly when and for what the rewards are earned? Go over with your child the specific actions and all the little steps in between that are expected in order to get a reward.

Final Tip: Get your child involved! Your child is your best partner in planning a well designed behavior change program.

If you want to improve how your kids respond to your behavior change program, you may need to fine-tune your reward system. Here are six key questions to guide you to create rewards to a tailor-made fit to your child’s individuality.

1. Do your rewards have enough novelty to keep your child motivated? Even the most fun and unique rewards get old. Keep updated with rewards that propel your children and students to keep working towards a goal. Fine tune and freshen up rewards before their appeal fizzles out.

2. Are you overlooking praise as a natural and easy to deliver reward? Praise blossoms self-esteem. Praise is a compelling motivator. Kids love to hear their parents and teachers be proud of them. Praise the deed. “Good job on the clean-up. I don’t see a speck of dirt!”

3. Are you rewarding for effort? Build success into your behavior program. Make sure your child can count on achievement. If a reward is getting an A, set it up so the child has opportunities to get the thrill of an A.

4. Are your rewards scheduled frequently enough? Remember the objective of a reward is to reinforce positive behavior. That means giving your child encouragement to keep doing the good thing. If the goal is a tougher one for your child to achieve, set up your program to give little rewards or partial points along the way for effort or steps taken toward an end goal.

5. Are you keeping the focus on positive behaviors? Play down points not earned. You want your child to keep the thrill of earning in his mind and you do this by keeping the focus on building the points or accumulating the tokens. Allow your child to keep points once earned no matter how the scene may have deteriorated. At times he does not earn his points, that in itself is a penalty so you need do nothing more. Refocus on the positive.

6. Are you following through with your part? Parents, educators and caregivers are busy people and what sometimes is neglected, as a result, is their very vital role. A most common reason that a well-crafted behavior program does not work is because the adults get too busy and those essential and exciting check marks, parent initials or tokens don’t get handed out. If it is impossible to be there consistently, let the tracking system be self-administering, where your child is on the honor system. You might be delighted by how he or she honors the agreement. It is okay to commit only to what you comfortably can do. And you will see, the time you give up now will pay off dramatically in the time and relief that will be your reward.

For more on rewards in your behavior change program, see companion articles:

Social Skills and Rewards: Five Tips for Tailoring your Behavior Change System to a Perfect Fit for your Child

Social Skills and Your Behavior Change Program: Troubleshooting When the Rewards Aren’t Working

Parents, do you get weary from the steady flow of needs, issues and dilemmas that are part of being with kids?

Your emotional well being matters if you want to be an effective parent.
And it takes discipline to keep doing what you don’t feel like stepping up to.
Just like your standard new year’s resolutions – ‘Eat less.’ ‘Spend more time with the kids.’ – deep down you know everything there is to know about the actions you need to take. The problem is that over time, your resolve gradually slips away until you have lost control of the situation. So here is a little parenting wake call up to help you improve your relationship with your kids and restore energy you thought you would never recoup.

These tips can work with children of every age, and may be customized to the special needs of kids and adults who have Asperger Syndrome, high functioning autism or ADHD. Parenting is a creative act so these tips will fit bettere for some situations than others. Pick one to start working on, write it down, work on it for 10 days, and evaluate.

4 Choices for New Resolve

1. Say it once. When you give your child a reminder or a direction, are you wearing yourself out with words and getting no farther ahead? Your children know exactly how many repeats they get before you mean business. The key is to be serious the first time you give the direction. Until then, you are actually saying, “But you don’t really have to bother listening to me yet.” Expect immediate cooperation. Don’t wait until you are fit to be tied to finally give the consequence.

The Resolution: One chance and the consequence is next. [In select situations, you might decide to have a 'one warning' system, and then the consequence comes, without fail.]

2. Don’t give wiggle room. With kids, avoidance is in; cooperation is out. When you say, “Take out the trash” do you mean, “Go take out the trash” or do you mean, “Go take out the trash as soon as I start to scream at you.”? Say the minimum and wait. In a few types of situations, you may need to coach your challenging loved one through the steps of the task. Even then, use only the words you need. Do not embellish in the hope it will help. You will just be falling for their bargaining and ploys to buy time in hopes they get out of the expectation.

The Resolution: Keep it to a short specific statement and wait to see if you need to move into the consequence phase.

3. Don’t explain so much. When you want something done, are you hoping to be talked out of it? You say “No.”? Then why would you go into the ‘why’? Just tell the ‘what’ , the ‘where’ and / or the ‘when’. Example: “Before you leave [when] put your dishes [what] in the sink [where]. Then stop talking. Your kids will know that there is nowhere to go when they cannot go down a long road of talk. [If every rule has an exception, there are cases where you might want to explain in detail - ONCE - to be sure that it is very clear what needs to be done. A child on the autism spectrum may need specific instruction and to understand the 'why'; a child with ADHD may need a reminder cue until the habit is established.]

The Resolution: Act with confidence.

4. Finish what you start. If you are reminding your child to feed the dog and you remember he did not rake the leaves, do not launch into everything that never got taken care of. That is a strategy that accomplishes nothing because you have gone on a tangent instead of solving a problem. By the time you finish, you won’t remember what you started. And it becomes a useless cycle.

The Resolution: Keep to one topic at a time.

If you want to really hold yourself to it, ask a friend or family member to keep you accountable, with a consequence to yourself if you miss or forget the goal. The threat of doing kitchen clean up duty [instead of the kids!] may be just the trick to keep you in line.

Priorities of parents and teachers are usually quite different than the priorities of their kids. Kids are expert testers of limits with precision radar for just how far they can push you. The struggle can get so tough that it is understandable when the adults find themselves shortcutting their way through a matter just so they can put it behind them or move on to something else. The result is that the long-term reward is sacrificed to get the immediate relief they crave.

But you will experience a splendid payoff sooner than you can imagine if you dedicate yourself to keeping your eye on the behavior prize. It takes a little discipline and a lot of resolve but it gets easier and soon, instead of agonizing about the problem, you will be having more fun as you interact with the kids in your life. These four powerful tips will help parents and educators to teach respect, get respect and make life easier for everyone:

1. Do what you say you will. When you tell your child that fighting with her sister means time out, do you mean to say “If I am not too tired or if I am angry enough I will make sure you go to time out.” Do not fall into the fantasy that giving in will make your child happy or keep peace. Exactly the opposite, your kids crave those limits that keep them safe from the burden of having to test them all the time.

The Resolution: Give your child the gift of consistency.

2. Be careful about the commitments you make. That means, make no enticing promises until you are sure you can follow through. If you tell your teen you are going to the mall or your toddler you are going to the park, then you let them down, you are teaching them they cannot rely on what you say. And you give them opportunities to criticize you, and be right about it. Demonstrate integrity and accountability for your words. As they grow up, why would your kids keep their word if you don’t? They do what you teach them.

The Resolution: Before you talk about your plans, think them through thoroughly. [Apologize and reschedule if something serious comes up, just as you would with anyone else.]

3. Be sure you are asking for something your child can deliver. Sometimes parents or teachers take for granted their kids can “just do it” You may be expecting them to accomplish something they have not mastered. There are many versions of teeth well brushed. They may be lost at how to prepare, organize or start a task. Kids get stuck, wanting to please but struggling with how to meet your expectations.

The Resolution: Spend the time needed to work with your child to fully learn the skills you expect to see.

4. Give positive consequences! Kids do not get enough words of praise. If your child does something new and improved, praise with specific words.”Thank you for remembering to call home when you said you would.” Don’t spoil the success by picking up on other problems. Parents tend to roll their praising into complaining, going to the next thing they want fixed for example “Well, you did a good job of cleaning your room but you aren’t brushing your teeth very well.” Let them have little victories to build their sense of pride and motivate them to keep trying. If your child has struggled to get through a tough school project or made a breakthrough on something that has been a challenge, celebrate. One to one time is a priceless gift to give your child. Play a game together. Cook something together.

The resolution: Give them praise and special time together and they will have no reason to tune you out.

Make it a priority to keep working on these and you will be amazed at how it just keeps getting better!