Homework: Managing the Emotional Moments

By Ellen Mossman- Glazer M.Ed. Life Skills Coach, Behavior Specialist.

Tips to Help the Homework Process

The place where parents get mired in homework issues is more commonly the process of completing homework, rather than the child’s actual ability to comprehend the academic task. The homework process revolves around the systems and routines in place for getting your child down to homework and sticking with it to the finish - before the night is highjacked by emotions. You need to know the techniques that work for your child to help her keep her eye on the homework ball and off distractions.

Following are tips and techniques to help the daily process run smoothly. These strategies are adaptable to the needs of students of all ages, as well as kids who struggle with the challenges of ADHD, high functioning autism and Asperger Syndrome.

Space
Give your child a regular location that is a home for homework. If a quiet space is what you decided your child needs, then your designated homework spot must be reliably off-limits and undisturbed by siblings and household interruptions.

Routines
Decide on a consistent routine you and your child can depend on to get homework started. Example: When your child comes home he sets a timer, eats a snack until the timer buzzes signaling homework time. If you work patiently with your child to stick loyally to the planned routine, it will pay off, soon becoming a habit.

Rules
Pre-plan rules for homework time. Work together with your child. You will probably be surprised at how sensible and honest your kids are about what the rules need to be. Of course, parents have the final say, and you need to carefully think through and prioritize your rules so that you have just the right ones and not too many at a time. There are four Rule Setting Rules. In a very concise nutshell, rules must be:

Short
Specific
Few
Enforceable

Consequences
A consequence is very different from a punishment. Consequences teach children how to struggle with the problem instead of with the parent. When your child ignores the rules of homework, you need to be ready with a fair and logical consequence. If the rule is Be at your homework spot at 5 pm and your child stays at a friend’s house until 5:30, grounding would not be logical. A natural and more effective consequence that flowed from the 'infraction' could be Pay back the time by taking 30 minutes off of homework breaks over one or two homework evenings. Most important, consequences have to be well thought out and not a result of in-the-moment parent frustration.

Rewards
The amount of money you spend on rewards does not guarantee or even correlate with getting the best behavior results from your child. The most important factor in how well rewards work is how meaningful they are to your child. Rewards must have a magnetic quality that makes homework more appealing than avoiding or rebelling.

There are rewards that thrill kids and monetarily cost you little or nothing but time, for example:

One to one uninterrupted time with you. Play a board game, go to the movies, go somewhere special with your teen that just the two of you can enjoy together. Your child will appreciate you focusing on what is important to him or her.
Turning the tables. Do a chore for your child. Give your child his own budget in the grocery store. Make it fun!

Prevent Parent Burnout
Establish clear guidelines for your child to know when and how to ask for help. Limit the demands your child makes on your time but be available to help when your child needs it. Your child may need only occasional attention to keep from dropping the ball, such as periodic words of encouragement. “Keep trying for 5 minutes and I will check back with you.” may be enough words to get your child through a tough homework moment. [And do not forget to check back as you said you would.]

Organization and Overwhelm
Calm your kids with little steps that help them to keep moving.

Break up assignments into a manageable series of small steps. Highlight five math questions and say,“Call me when you finish these.”
Lighten the load without taking away the learning experience. Your child can do the thinking while you do the busy work, such as cutting, pasting or copying down the questions.

Common Parent Pitfalls

With the best of intentions, parents can blunder into decisions that mushroom into bigger and more complicated behavior issues. Here are some things to watch for:

Falling into power struggles.
Does your child debate, negotiate or chronically avoid? Use a Specific Short Statement described earlier, to redirect your child back to work.

Focusing on failure. Do not talk too much about the negative. Say little about failed tests. Keep the focus on moving productively forward.

Too little listening. You will get to know a lot more about what works for your child if you are collecting information by encouraging your child to talk about feelings. This will be very helpful in guiding you to guide her.

Cooperation
If your child tends to draw you into negotiatiation, use one short specific statement to redirect your child back to homework. Here are two versions:

The Question Technique ” What do you need to be doing next?” or “What materials do you need for this task?” Repeat your question until you hear or see the result you are looking for. Do not be tempted to water down the message with any other words or comments.

The ”When” Statement. Smoothly handle requests that are not appropriate at homework time: “When you finish your homework we can talk about the weekend.” “When you are on homework break you can look for your missing CD.” “When you are sitting at your desk we will talk.” Wait for the action you are looking for, do not get lured into other conversation but do follow through with your commitment for what you say you are willing to give later.

Tips for Quirky Workers and Special Learners

Kids with ADHD, Autism and Asperger Syndrome or other developmental issues, need extra care in setting up a homework system that keeps emotions in check and encourages success.

Look for a deeper reason when your child is uncooperative. Argumentativeness or irritability can be a problem your child cannot articulate so this may be the way he is asking for help.

Be sensitive to your child’s sensitivities. Pay attention to complaints that may seem to you just little annoyances. Sounds, odors, lighting or prickly clothing can be distractions, and sources of discomfort that keep your child from fully focusing on homework.

Explore feelings Ask questions that lead your child to talk about what it feels like for him to be frustrated with homework. You may be amazed at how your child will open up to you when you open the avenues to talk. It may not change the difficulty of the homework but your child will have had an opportunity to vent and feel understood.

Understand your child’s is learning style. Kids who struggle are often visual learners. This means that images, colors, pictures and ‘movies in their minds’ can help them to achieve. Color-coding and memory strategies may be helpful.

Help your child remember his strengths at the times he is challenged by his weaknesses.Remind him of some recent progress. “I am so proud of how far you have come in Math”. Some kids struggle with academic work and for them it is important to stay involved in outside of school activities that highlight their strengths and keep them happily reminded of their talents.

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Closing Thought ~

Approach homework the way you taught your child to walk: give guidance, safety and encouragement, be there to get them back up when they fall. Your child’s mistakes and challenges teach self-control and problem solving skills.

What are the homework challenges in your household? I welcome your feedback. Write me at ellen@artofbehaviorchange.com

Copyright Ellen Mossman-Glazer 2006. All rights reserved. You are welcome to share or reprint this article, providing it remains as written with all contact and copyright information included along with a link to http://artofbehaviorchange.com This content is coaching and education and not intended to take the place of psychological services, where advised and appropriate.