The Magic of Early Parenting

By Ellen Mossman- Glazer M.Ed. Life Skills Coach, Behavior Specialist.

Here is how it tends to happen:

As their children grow, parents meticulously teach them the details of self-help skills.
Parent puts the spoon in baby's hand. Child wraps his little hand around the spoon. Parent wraps his hand around the child's while guiding the spoon into her mouth. (Thus the term "spoon feeding" which is a positive act we often let go of much too early on.)
The parent proudly cheers and applauds as the child moves towards independence

In early childhood, you are there every step of the way, demonstrating, coaching, nurturing and rewarding.

Your encouraging acts fill up your children with skills, knowledge and self-assurance.

Now - fast forward. It's present day and your 9 year old is not listening to you. Your child procrastinates, you lecture and neither of you make any progress. It's a draining daily cycle.

What happened?

Kids get lost when that personalized teaching drops off.

As their children grow up, parents begin to assume new skills will just show up. Sure, some exceptional kids just seem to figure it out as they go, but most continue to need that up close kind of parental involvement.

And in special need cases, it is crucial!
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The child with autism needs the demonstration of those little between-the-crack steps that explain what is not obvious to her. A child with ADHD needs the repetition of those micro steps because he did not absorb them the first time.

Simply stated: When your child is not doing what you expect there is something that needs your attention.

Six Micro Step Tips to Keep Your Child Learning

Here is a sampling, of some micro steps that are overlooked when parents are wondering what the problem is. I will use homework time as an example because I am excited to share with you highlights from my upcoming e-booklet, End Homework Havoc, which guides parents to develop a comprehensive Homework Action Plan. But these tips will work everywhere.

1. Specifically identify new behaviors you want to see, breaking them down into the tiniest sets of skills.

If you want your child to know exactly where homework is to be done every night, the first step may be "Sit down at your desk."

2. Do not underestimate what may baffle your child.

Make sure he knows where to start with the work itself, as well as the process of getting down to it.

3. Supervise and coach through those simple little steps as long as it takes.

Staying close, initially, is a worthwhile and wonderful investment for future independence. Then, slowly phase out your involvement.

4. Reward wisely and generously.

Everyone is motivated by rewards. Adults are rewarded with money for working and doing a good job. There are all kinds of rewards, but nothing means more to your child than your hearty approval. Your kids love to please you! Approval can come in the form of praise "You started homework without be asked, good job!" Or approval can come as a hug or pat on the back as you go by and see your child focused on her assignment. Don't forget to give your child periodic surges in self-esteem with praise for good efforts. "You really stuck with that problem till you got it solved!"

5. Reward for the micro steps along the way to the bigger accomplishment.

You may want to have a schedule of small but frequent rewards through homework time for little steps your child takes towards following rules and trying on her own.Those frequent little rewards will phase out, as acts become second nature for your child. If your kids are still not cooperating look for a reason. It is not their agenda to displease you.

6. When you reward with tangible items, choose those that are irresistible to your child.

Rewards must be potent enough to motivate your child to tackle homework instead of avoiding its challenges. You might like a museum outing but a video arcade may be something your child would work for. Kids love to work for little inexpensive items if they are the right ones- see my Pretty Paper story to follow.

Copyright Ellen Mossman-Glazer 2007. All rights reserved. You are welcome to share or reprint this article, providing it remains as written with all contact and copyright information included along with a link to http://artofbehaviorchange.com This content is coaching and education and not intended to take the place of psychological services, where advised and appropriate.

Ellen Mossman-Glazer M.Ed. is a Life Skills Coach and Behavioral Specialist, specializing in Asperger Syndrome, High Functioning Autism, ADHD, and learning difficulties. Over her 20 years in special education classrooms and treatment settings, Ellen has seen the struggle that children and adults have when they feel they don't fit in. She now works in private practice with people across the USA and Canada, by phone, teleconference groups and email, helping parents, educators, caregivers and their challenging loved ones, to find their own specific steps and tools to thrive. Ellen is the author of two on line e-zines, Emotion Matters: Tools and Tips for Working with Feelings and Social Skills: The Micro Steps. Subscribe for free and see more about Ellen at http://artofbehaviorchange.com/ You can take a free mini assessment which Ellen will reply to with your first action step.

Copyright Ellen Mossman-Glazer 2007. All rights reserved. You are welcome to share or reprint this article, providing it remains as written with all contact and copyright information included along with a link to http://artofbehaviorchange.com This content is coaching and education and not intended to take the place of psychological services, where advised and appropriate.