We again visit the workplace of employer ‘Jack’ and his new employee ‘Al’ who has Asperger Syndrome. In this small informal office, Al felt discomfort and confusion with ordinary routines related to phones, break time and workplace jargon. In this next phase of our work together, we designed three customized action plans, which helped Al succeed with the more social side of office responsibilities.

Jack: “When it comes to the job he was hired to do, Al is outstanding. But when people skills are required, he flounders. He goes off topic or seems confused about what people do in ordinary daily situations.”

Jack decided he would work directly and discreetly with Al, to help him feel less ‘centered out’ for this personalized training program. Co-workers had ‘supporting roles’ but Jack was the one-to-one trainer and advocate for Al.

We created action plans for these three social aspects of office life:

1. Telephone Conversation Skills

2. Flexibility and Feelings of Fitting In

3. Expressions of Speech

Goal #1 Telephone Conversation Skills

Jack: “Sometimes we have to rely on Al to cover phones for parts of the day when the office is short on staff. Al tells me he has had some bad experiences trying to figure out what to say on the phone. I can see he is anxious about this.”

The Plan: Al and Jack created a phone answering ‘script sheet’ that gave Al the words and phrases for opening greetings, message taking, transferring calls, general comments about who to speak to for what, and a few social niceties. They role played privately in Jack’s office. Jack asked Al to keep his conversations business-like brief. Al’s scripted answer to
“How are you today?” was “Fine, thank you.” since Al was sometimes tempted to answer with enthusiastic details more appropriate for social conversation with friends. If someone’s question threw him a curve, Al’s SOS script was “Please hold for someone who can help you.” and immediately transfer the call to Jack or Jack’s assistant. Al’s phone skills grew and on his own initiative, he spent time sitting in areas where he could listen and learn from co-workers fielding phone calls.

Goal #2 Flexibility and Feelings of Fitting In

Jack: “Al gets fixated on his work. It’s a quality that turns into a disadvantage at times. Other things come with this job! Time is open ended for Al! I want him to know when to focus on something else that needs to be taken care of, or even just have lunch.”

The Plan: This was a two-step plan:
1. Jack worked with Al to clarify and prioritize tasks that could be done over time, and tasks that had deadlines that were more pressing. He explained to Al that it was important and encouraged to stop and take breaks on occasions that threw the usual routine off schedule, such as an office staff meeting or a birthday gathering.

2. Jack and Al collaborated on a set of guiding questions, which helped to steer Al into another activity, if necessary. To help him break focus and evaluate, Al set his watch to beep three times a day to remind him to review his questions list:

o “Is there something else I need to tend to right now?”

o “Is something going on that everyone else is a part of?”

o “What do I need to do before getting back to my work?”

Al faithfully relied on his ‘guiding questions’ once he experienced how good it felt to fit in with the normal office rhythms.

Goal #3 Expressions of Speech

Office life had its own culture and early on Al was grappling with language that, for him, was a garble of confusing messages.

Jack: “Al is really mystified by phrases we all take for granted here. When we use expressions new to Al, like ‘shift gears’ or ‘hit the ground running’ I can see he is baffled. When a co-worker said “I am fit to be tied,” Al did not make the connection that his co-worker was feeling short of patience and frustrated.

The Plan: Al was encouraged to be honest and ask people to rephrase statements or instructions he did not understand. One of Al’s strengths was memory for information so once he understood he was on board when the expression came up again. His co-workers were very kind in helping him with work-place vocabulary and Al enjoyed that support. It was thrilling for him to experience the feeling of belonging in this office, so it got to be something of a game for Al to find new work related figures of speech.

In Closing:

These action plans took time and planning, but were successful because Jack saw the long-term value in the commitment required. And Al, who was painfully aware of his social skill ‘deficits’ was receptive to the program and delighted with the good feelings that come with support and progress.

This is a case study companion article to Help Your Employee With Asperger Syndrome Get into the Flow of Your Office Routines

The teenage years are a test, for parents and for teachers, but most of all, for the teens themselves. Teens are constantly being tested on life decisions, and they need a lot of guidance at a time of life when they least want to hear it. But much of the time teens are amazingly wise about the issues we worry they will not be able to handle. The trick is to guide them, while allowing them to hold on to that independence they so value.

You can guide your teens by coaching them to arrive at the smart and sensible answers they already know, and just have to discover within themselves.

Here are nine questions you can pose to your kids to develop the process of thinking through their life issues. These questions work in just about any situation, such as peer pressure, school achievement, and dilemmas that come with hard to make choices.

Pick one or two. Don’t overload. Sometimes one key question opens the gateway for your teen to reach that “Aha!” moment and do the right thing for his or her life.

Questions for your teen to reflect on:

1. Can you give your full commitment to this plan?

2. Where would you like this decision to take you?

3. What will you do when there are temptations to do something different from what you have planned?

4. What will it feel like to meet this goal?

5. How can you keep remembering that there is a better way to think about some things? [...when you feel yourself slipping.]

6. What will happen when / if you don’t follow through? How will you help yourself make a correction?

7. What can you tell yourself if your resolve begins to weaken and you need a confidence boost?

Final Tip: Sometimes teens need a mentor or an adult they respect, who is not their parent. It does not diminish your role as a parent. What is happening when your teens seem to respect the opinion of others though you would have said the very same thing? They are working on the normal adolescent process of growing away from you. The behavior of teens can be very confusing. Remember your teen is exploring how to be with and without you as an integral part of his or her life. If your child does work with a mentor type person, it is a good idea for you to know who the supporting adult is, but once you have trust in that person, stepping aside may be a great gift to your teen.
If you do decide to encourage your teen to find a mentor, here’s the question to plant:

8. Who is a person you feel comfortable going to, to talk things over when you need a sounding board?

Parents, don’t expect feedback, but welcome it. You will get your best feedback in the results you see.

What used to be taboo, ‘not for children’ is in the media mainstream. Keeping your parental controls on all the violence, sexuality and other inappropriate information being marketed at your child every day is like chopping down a forest while new trees are sprouting behind you. Exasperated parents wonder how to counteract all the negative information their kids are bombarded with from TV, the internet, music and video. Removing it all from view is a tough job and unrealistic. The answer is simple but not always easy. To get your kids on board with you, you first have to get on board their ship. Parents, educators and caregivers have to find subtle ways to be involved and begin conversations about what their kids are interested in and exposed to.

This is especially important when working with your kids and adults with ADHD, Autism and Asperger Syndrome. Here are systematic steps to get your kids to be more open and receptive to discussing what they see and hear:

1. Find ways to be a part of what your kids like watch, play and listen to. This does not mean you become a devotee of their rock or rap groups. Your kids won’t like it if you try to be them. You might casually ask to play a round of her video game or join him watching an episode of his TV show.

2. Open up dialog. Initiate conversations about your child’s interests. If you watched a TV show together, show your interest with non-judgmental questions. Asking for factual information is safe and gets you up to speed on the characters. “What was she in trouble for?” “Did she ever date him?” As your child, gets the sense that your interest is genuine, you can sprinkle in some opinion questions. “What did you think about how he treated her?” Keep it light and short.

3. Be on the watch for teachable moments. As your child builds trust in your intentions, opportunities will present themselves for you to gently influence. If your child is not in the mood to listen, don’t push. Keep showing up as an interested parent.

4. Listen to your child with full attention. Practice being silent longer than you speak. This shows up in both your words and your body language. Be face to face and focused on your child, not multi-tasking. If your child is on a talking streak, seize it as a great listening opportunity.

6. Make comments that show open mindedness. Ignore what turns you off. When your child feels you respect his world, you are opening a door to communication.

7. Ask open-ended questions that help him your child to think it through. “What did you think about the part where…?” Respect her answer and reflect back in a few words what you understand about your child’s view. Then share yours in a few words.

8. Keep it simple. Young children need short, clear pieces of information. It does not change as they get older. Teenagers are leary of what comes across as lecturing. A little nugget of simple wisdom is more likely to stick with them.

9. Begin to show your interest when they are young. As they grow, it will be a natural thing for your children to talk about their world.

10. Be patient. Children’s work is to sort out their experiences and, with your guidance, create their own set of solid, sensible values.

Some kids and adults need clear information about the strengths and talents you know they have. This is especially true for children and many adults who have Asperger Syndrome, Autism, or ADHD. They may need to get their knowledge about where they shine, in a more direct way than you have been communicating so far. This knowledge is the nourishment of a healthy self-image.

Here are ten strategies to help your challenging loved ones to believe in themselves:

1. Give them a mental picture so they can ‘see’ what you mean. Instead of “That is a great story!” try something like: “The characters in your story seem like real people.”

2. Be sincere and specific. ‘Very good!’ is very good to say but when you can, compliment the action. “You are a whiz at finishing puzzles.” “You really know how to swing a bat.”

3. Compliment ‘in the moment’. Don’t wait. Tell her now so she makes the connection between a positive behavior and the good feeling of praise.

4. Be on the watch for unrecognized strengths. You may be overlooking some subtle but nonetheless strong qualities in your child. Think creatively and you will find them! If your teen avoids friends who do drugs, alcohol or smoke, he has good judgment. If she plays chess, she has good analytic skills, if he connects easily with people he is a good conversationalist. If she is involved in sports, she is a ‘team player.’ You can use these qualities as springboards to build more.

5. Help your child keep his weaknesses and ‘failures’ in perspective. Point out real life situations to illustrate that “everyone makes mistakes” and “everyone is learning all the time”. Find stories about famous people who worked around their limitations to become famous inventors, artists and authors.

6. Teach your child how to self-advocate. Use her daily challenges to explore behavior choices she can make – positive and negative. Show her what she can do to be in charge of her life, appropriate to her age and developmental stage.

7. Be trustworthy all the time. Trust in reliable adults is key to learning to trust yourself. Promise only what you can follow through on. If you must break your word, tell your child what is going on and discuss other options to replace what you had previously committed to.

8. Keep them going, when they are discouraged, with “You can do it!” messages. You know when your child can do better and what it takes to get there. Be the wind beneath her wings.

9. ‘Shine the light’ on those talents. Plan activities and social events that give your child appropriate opportunities to share what is important to her. If your child has a special need, look for just the right place for her to be in the limelight. A child with Asperger Syndrome may need to be in the company of people who have great interest in her special area of knowledge.

As you practice these tips, enjoy watching your children’s self-pride blossom.

Help your kids manage their emotions and avoid sabotaging their good times with impulsive behavior. This is especially challenging for kids and adults who are highly sensitive, or who have Asperger Syndrome, Autism or ADHD.

Here are seven strategies to help them handle frustration.

1. Help them find in-the-moment strategies for self-calming. Make your child an active participant in exploring what will work best for him. ‘Take a break’. ‘Tune in to what’s happening with your body’. ‘Take your mind to an imaginary place that feels peaceful’.

2. Get clear on triggers that send your child into meltdown. Ask questions like “What happens just before you want to explode?” Notice patterns, such as tiredness or hunger that wear down energy and bring on irritable moods. Once you identify triggers, you can then work on helping your child to avoid ‘losing it’.

3. For kids who don’t or won’t talk much, create a system where they write or tape their feelings to be shared when they are ready. This is a great way to safely vent feelings and often, that’s as far as it may need to go.

4. Agree on signals that will cue your child to avoid behaviors that invite frustration or embarrassment. Sometimes they just do not know until it’s too late. You may not always be able to be at the scene, but when you can, have a subtle way of sending a “You are heading for trouble”message. It may be a wink or a gesture as subtle as smoothing your hair back – just enough for her to pick up the cue and say “Woops!” and do a self-correction.

5. Help your child to think ahead about the consequences to his actions. Ask questions like“What will it feel like after you do this?” and “What do you think will happen if —?”

6. Help your child prepare for the inevitable mistakes. Ask thinking questions of your child: “How will you help yourself make a correction for the future?” or “What can you do right away if this happens again?”

7. Make it safe for your child to come you to process what happened. If you preach, judge or over-teach you may not get another chance to help for a long time.

Copyright Ellen Mossman-Glazer 2005. All rights reserved. You are welcome to share or reprint this article, providing it remains as written with all contact and copyright information included along with a link to http://artofbehaviorchange.com This content is coaching and education and not intended to take the place of psychological services, where advised and appropriate.

When parents and teachers say they are about to give up on their behavior modification system, it is often a straightforward matter of fine-tuning the rewards component.

Here are six questions to help you explore and improve your rewards:

1. Are the rewards you are currently using the best choices for your child? Who picked these rewards? Did your child have input? Or did you choose the rewards because you liked them? If you like the idea of the science center but your child would be thrilled with a bowling outing, which is the greater incentive to your child? Of course, introduce your child to the wonders of the science center, but not as a behavior motivator. The object of a reward is to give the child something that he will really want to strive for.

2.Are you keeping the reward a separate and very special event? If the reward for a behavior is a game of pinball, then your child plays pinball only when it has been earned according to your behavior change program and no other time. Just as an A+ is reserved for the best work, pinball games are reserved for the expected actions. If pinball is your incentive, don’t water down the reward by saying “You can play pinball if you are bored.” Find something else to overcome boredom.

3. Are you rewarding too frequently or too elaborately? When rewards come easy, the fun goes out of them. When rewards come too quick it takes the edge off the anticipation and actually tells your child you don’t expect too much. Give big, expensive rewards few and far between. Match the size of a reward to the difficulty of expectations and time it takes to earn them. Smaller rewards on a schedule where they can be earned more frequently, is best.

4. Is your child rewarded too scantily? Don’t let your child grind down in order to reach a reward. If the work is too hard for too long, your child may not even bother trying. One of the most heartbreaking scenarios in a classroom is when everyone is competing for the same thing but there is a huge span in the levels of ability. The kids left behind are usually the same kids over and over. When working with groups, vary the skills required to get to the rewards. Some kids just cannot do speed but given time, accuracy is where they shine. Make it fair and achievable for everyone.

5. Are you following through consistently? Kids are experts at knowing how they can dodge your expectations or get you to give up. If you find yourself saying, “It isn’t working!” chances are very good that you are uneven in following the specifications of your behavior change program.

6. Does your child understand exactly when and for what the rewards are earned? Go over with your child the specific actions and all the little steps in between that are expected in order to get a reward.

Final Tip: Get your child involved! Your child is your best partner in planning a well designed behavior change program.

What do we adults do when our friends call us with problems in their lives? We listen. We sympathize. We support. We validate their feelings. Maybe, just maybe, we carefully step in with a little advice.

When your kids have problems, do you abandon those wonderful listening skills and jump in to tell them how to fix their problems or analyze their handling of a situation? Yes, you have life experience. Yes, you have wisdom. Yes, you can probably save your child some grief if only he ‘listened to you’.
Most likely you cannot fix their problems anyway, or they may just tune you out, and most of all, they miss a chance to learn a life management skill.

If you gave your kids what you give your friends when they need a listener, chances are better that you will get what every parent craves: an inside view of what is going on in the mind of their child.
So give yourself a break. Just listen. Give your kids what you would give your best friend. Here are five tips to help you really listen to your kids.

1. Listen without interruption. That says “What you feel matters to me.”

2. Accept their feelings no matter how absurd, misguided, or naive they seems to you. Of course you want to guide your children to have sound values but where possible, let them have experience in ‘figuring it out’ themselves.

3. If you feel your child is stuck and it is important that you try to help, ask permission to enter the subject: “Do you want me to tell you what I think?” or “Can I make a suggestion?” And make it a couple of good quick, to-the-point nuggets, and pause. As your child trusts that you will allow him to do his own problem solving, he will be more receptive and even interested in your views.

4. Listen for the feelings behind the words. It helps kids to feel understood. As you hear your child’s words, ask yourself “What is my child feeling about this matter?” Frustrated? Proud? Confused?

5. Use a reflective listening formula: “You feel __________because_________.”
. After you hear your child’s words, you mirror back words that you believe describe how she feels.“You feel let down because Lori did not call you when she said she would.” Do not presume to know your child’s feelings. If you are not sure, say, in a questioning tone: “Let me see if I have this right. You feel angry because you did not make it on time to get to play in the game.” This one is particularly helpful for practicing feelings identification with kids and adults who have Autism or Asperger Syndrome.

Special tip for success: In the beginning, your child may find this new way of communicating strange and perhaps not trustworthy. Do not force it, be patient, be consistent with your listening skills, giving your child time to figure it out, relax and trust in it.

Making friends is a skill. It takes confidence and intuition. And in some cases it takes time and help. Our kids and adults who have Asperger Syndrome or Autism need extra help in picking up the subtle steps.

Following are six ways you can work with your kids to help them grow confidence and competence with their peers in social settings:

1. Identify very specifically the social skills your kids most need to learn. If your child tends to get into arguments with peers about what they will do together, you have an opportunity to teach a problem solving skill. In this case the skill will be ‘negotiating differences with friends’.

2. Break each social skill into its own little set of sub-skills. Bite off only what your child can easily chew on. If the primary social skill you want to teach is ‘how to approach a friend to get together on the weekend’, the sub-skills can include: “Who will you approach?” “When is a good time to ask?” “Where can you plan to be together?” “What will be your suggestions about what you and your friend will enjoy doing together on Saturday?”

3. Prepare your child with skills that reciprocate and encourage friendship. Listening to the other person’s feelings and sharing your belongings are two skills that build trust and lasting friendship.

4. Find entertaining ways to work on skills. The social problem scenarios in your childrens’ entertainment are great for case studies. The TV shows and movies your kids love are great material for brainstorming strategies and solutions. Practice in role play.Make it a game. Be the characters. Find entertaining ways of working on skills.

5. Encourage your kids to go places where they are more likely to meet friends with whom they have common interests. If your child loves comic books, he will have a built in topic to talk about with the kids from the comic book club.

6. Help them identify the peers who would be the right friends for them. They may not agree and you may have to let them go forth and experience disappointment. Don’t judge, but do use those experiences to help them explore how to choose who they spend time with.

To help our kids who have Autism or Asperger Syndrome thrive in mainstream settings, you have to first pay attention to who they are as unique individuals.

Following are five key questions to help you reflect on what you are doing now and guide you to help these kids and adults have success:

1. Are you sure your child or student knows what it is you want him to do? Be sure the task is achievable and then be sure to understand the particular way he or she learns and acts on information. For example figures of speech are likely to confuse him, while a visual demonstration or picture instructions are more likely to help him understand the task.

2. Do you have a plan or are you trying whatever technique comes to you as issues arise?Those effective techniques you use with your mainstream kids will probably let you down. You must have a program that orients around the needs and interests of your child or student with Autism or Asperger Syndrome. You have to really ‘know your customer’. Spending time with a parent, last year’s teacher or an IEP [Individualized Education Plan] to create a personalized behavior program will be well worth the time.

3. Are you focusing on past behaviors? Forget talking about what you don’t want. Instead, teach specific new behaviors that replace inappropriate or unproductive behaviors. Take time to learn the strategies that will move your child forward and help him grow independence. The more you practice new behavior skills, the more the wanted behaviors will grow and squeeze out the unwanted.

4. Are you feeding the potential for frenzy or working toward calm? Be aware of triggers and how you may be unintentionally setting them off all day long. Bright light, an odd smell in the room, discomfort when touched or bumped are the kinds of sensitivities you find with individuals on the autism spectrum. Try to accommodate their preferences and it is likely to pay off in better productivity.

5. Are you relying on punishment? Punishment invites crisis. Consequences invite problem solving. Consequences are the natural teachers. If you isolate your student with Asperger Syndrome for dominating the conversation in a class group, you are punishing, with no lesson to take from it. And your child will be further confused. If you take the child aside, for a few minutes and some in-the-moment instruction about how to succeed at the group table, you are teaching necessary social skills and the way to avoid isolation in the future.

When parents and teachers say they are about to give up on their behavior modification system, it is often a straightforward matter of fine-tuning the rewards component.

Here are six questions to help you explore and improve your rewards:

1. Are the rewards you are currently using the best choices for your child? Who picked these rewards? Did your child have input? Or did you choose the rewards because you liked them? If you like the idea of the science center but your child would be thrilled with a bowling outing, which is the greater incentive to your child? Of course, introduce your child to the wonders of the science center, but not as a behavior motivator. The object of a reward is to give the child something that he will really want to strive for.

2.Are you keeping the reward a separate and very special event? If the reward for a behavior is a game of pinball, then your child plays pinball only when it has been earned according to your behavior change program and no other time. Just as an A+ is reserved for the best work, pinball games are reserved for the expected actions. If pinball is your incentive, don’t water down the reward by saying “You can play pinball if you are bored.” Find something else to overcome boredom.

3. Are you rewarding too frequently or too elaborately? When rewards come easy, the fun goes out of them. When rewards come too quick it takes the edge off the anticipation and actually tells your child you don’t expect too much. Give big, expensive rewards few and far between. Match the size of a reward to the difficulty of expectations and time it takes to earn them. Smaller rewards on a schedule where they can be earned more frequently, is best.

4. Is your child rewarded too scantily? Don’t let your child grind down in order to reach a reward. If the work is too hard for too long, your child may not even bother trying. One of the most heartbreaking scenarios in a classroom is when everyone is competing for the same thing but there is a huge span in the levels of ability. The kids left behind are usually the same kids over and over. When working with groups, vary the skills required to get to the rewards. Some kids just cannot do speed but given time, accuracy is where they shine. Make it fair and achievable for everyone.

5. Are you following through consistently? Kids are experts at knowing how they can dodge your expectations or get you to give up. If you find yourself saying, “It isn’t working!” chances are very good that you are uneven in following the specifications of your behavior change program.

6. Does your child understand exactly when and for what the rewards are earned? Go over with your child the specific actions and all the little steps in between that are expected in order to get a reward.

Final Tip: Get your child involved! Your child is your best partner in planning a well designed behavior change program.