Fathers, whom did you look up to? How do you want your child to look up to you? Though he is no longer here, my dad left me with wonderful memories of qualities I wanted to have, and behaviors I wanted to choose. It is with a smile in my heart that I remember what my father modeled for me:

1. Humor is a strategy. It is often quite OK to joke in a serious situation. Laughter and stress have a hard time co-existing. My father had a knack of diffusing tension at just the right time with just a few words that shifted the mood and had us all laughing despite how important the problem was or more often, was not.

2. The truth is fixed. My dad used to say to us “The truth does not move around.” Be completely honest in your interactions with others. It shows great character. And you can’t hide your own weaknesses from your children, so you might as well show you are human and model honesty with respect to your faults.

3. Listen to your child, uninterrupted. You will be saying, “I value what you think.” My dad did not always agree but he always listened. When you let your child say all she needs to, you give her the message her feelings are important to you. Just listening, without judgment is a priceless gift to a child and adolescent. And the gift is even bigger when your next words reflect what your child feels instead of what you want her to hear.

4. Giving is the best way to receive. Be attentive to what your child wants from you in time, understanding, and support, especially those things that can come only from a father. Your child will feel gratitude and love, though he is not likely to say so.

5. Be respectful, despite what you may be thinking. Show tolerance to all people, even those for whom you do not feel much respect. I never saw my dad be unkind, even when he was not happy with someone. Your child needs to see how you rise above the foolish or trivial ways others can behave.

6. Wonder frequently, and aloud. My dad used to say, “I wonder why –” Or “I want to learn more about —.” When we talk about our curiosities and what we think and feel about the world around us, we teach our children it is good and safe to do the same.

7. Crying is OK. Tears are cleansing when we are sad. Tears feel great when they spring from joy or passion about something important to us.

8. Find the smallest positives. My dad noticed and commented on the littlest good deeds. Watch for opportunities in daily life to say, “Good thinking, my daughter” and “Proud of you, my son.”

9. Say, “Please” and “Thank you.” and “May I –? “ You will be demonstrating good manners, behaviors that help to open important doors out in the world. A great first impression will never stop being a great thing to do.

10. As your child grows, be open to his ideas that might be challenging or unconventional to you. Respond first with words that convey you understand. In return, your child will listen more attentively to what you want to say. If your child is moving into young adulthood and wants to choose a life path different from what you envisioned, get out of the way and let it happen. Support and trust their choices and your children will continue to be in your life in many joyful ways.

Divorce is never easy for kids, but there are some steps single dads can take to help their adjustment. These tips are good ones for single moms too, but they are more commonly the challenges that single dads face as they move on to creating a different life with their kids.

1. Do what you realistically can in the time you have with your kids. You might wish you could impress some lessons on your kids that you no longer have time for. You may not be able to get in all the homework discipline, karate moves or father-child guidance that you used to. You wonder, “What will I do to make sure the kids get that from me?” Well, you have to revise your vision of what you can do and create a nice balance in how you spend your time together. Make sure that being relaxed is right up on top of your goals for your time together.

2. Understand what your kids are really saying if they ‘give you attitude’. No matter what, kids just want their parents to be together. Testing behaviors are often their way of saying, “I don’t like that you are divorced.” They are expressing their feelings in the way they know how. You have to have those ‘broad shoulders’ and keep loving them unconditionally no matter how they test your patience and love.

3. Let your child have relationships with friends or family members, although you may not be on speaking terms with them. Happy kids are not involved in adult issues. Kids are their own people and your disputes have nothing to do with them. If there is a ‘malfunction’ in your family [such as you do not talk to your sister-in-law], do not let your biases stop your child from enjoying time with her aunt [unless you feel there is a legitimately serious concern].

4. Do not become someone else to your child when you remarry or get into a new relationship. You can get so caught up in the newness, that you unintentionally back burner the kids. Your children need you to be focused on them. You will be free to peacefully enjoy your other relationships for a long time, if you take care of your kids in the way they need you right now. [And this takes sharp listening skills.]

5. Have rules for your kids. Your rules can be different than at Mom’s house but you have to have them.You keep your child feeling safe with your own set of expectations – bedtime, healthy foods, time on the computer.

When in doubt, here is your self-coaching question: “What is in the best interest of my child?”Your children will love and appreciate you when you let that question guide you.