Asperger Syndrome and High Functioning Autism: Five Questions to Help Teachers

June 24, 2010
Tags: Leave a comment

To help our kids who have Autism or Asperger Syndrome thrive in mainstream settings, you have to first pay attention to who they are as unique individuals.

Following are five key questions to help you reflect on what you are doing now and guide you to help these kids and adults have success:

1. Are you sure your child or student knows what it is you want him to do? Be sure the task is achievable and then be sure to understand the particular way he or she learns and acts on information. For example figures of speech are likely to confuse him, while a visual demonstration or picture instructions are more likely to help him understand the task.

2. Do you have a plan or are you trying whatever technique comes to you as issues arise?Those effective techniques you use with your mainstream kids will probably let you down. You must have a program that orients around the needs and interests of your child or student with Autism or Asperger Syndrome. You have to really ‘know your customer’. Spending time with a parent, last year’s teacher or an IEP [Individualized Education Plan] to create a personalized behavior program will be well worth the time.

3. Are you focusing on past behaviors? Forget talking about what you don’t want. Instead, teach specific new behaviors that replace inappropriate or unproductive behaviors. Take time to learn the strategies that will move your child forward and help him grow independence. The more you practice new behavior skills, the more the wanted behaviors will grow and squeeze out the unwanted.

4. Are you feeding the potential for frenzy or working toward calm? Be aware of triggers and how you may be unintentionally setting them off all day long. Bright light, an odd smell in the room, discomfort when touched or bumped are the kinds of sensitivities you find with individuals on the autism spectrum. Try to accommodate their preferences and it is likely to pay off in better productivity.

5. Are you relying on punishment? Punishment invites crisis. Consequences invite problem solving. Consequences are the natural teachers. If you isolate your student with Asperger Syndrome for dominating the conversation in a class group, you are punishing, with no lesson to take from it. And your child will be further confused. If you take the child aside, for a few minutes and some in-the-moment instruction about how to succeed at the group table, you are teaching necessary social skills and the way to avoid isolation in the future.

Posted in Social skills | Leave a comment

Social Skills and Your Behavior Change Program: Troubleshooting when the Rewards Aren’t Working

June 24, 2010
Tags: , Leave a comment

When parents and teachers say they are about to give up on their behavior modification system, it is often a straightforward matter of fine-tuning the rewards component.

Here are six questions to help you explore and improve your rewards:

1. Are the rewards you are currently using the best choices for your child? Who picked these rewards? Did your child have input? Or did you choose the rewards because you liked them? If you like the idea of the science center but your child would be thrilled with a bowling outing, which is the greater incentive to your child? Of course, introduce your child to the wonders of the science center, but not as a behavior motivator. The object of a reward is to give the child something that he will really want to strive for.

2.Are you keeping the reward a separate and very special event? If the reward for a behavior is a game of pinball, then your child plays pinball only when it has been earned according to your behavior change program and no other time. Just as an A+ is reserved for the best work, pinball games are reserved for the expected actions. If pinball is your incentive, don’t water down the reward by saying “You can play pinball if you are bored.” Find something else to overcome boredom.

3. Are you rewarding too frequently or too elaborately? When rewards come easy, the fun goes out of them. When rewards come too quick it takes the edge off the anticipation and actually tells your child you don’t expect too much. Give big, expensive rewards few and far between. Match the size of a reward to the difficulty of expectations and time it takes to earn them. Smaller rewards on a schedule where they can be earned more frequently, is best.

4. Is your child rewarded too scantily? Don’t let your child grind down in order to reach a reward. If the work is too hard for too long, your child may not even bother trying. One of the most heartbreaking scenarios in a classroom is when everyone is competing for the same thing but there is a huge span in the levels of ability. The kids left behind are usually the same kids over and over. When working with groups, vary the skills required to get to the rewards. Some kids just cannot do speed but given time, accuracy is where they shine. Make it fair and achievable for everyone.

5. Are you following through consistently? Kids are experts at knowing how they can dodge your expectations or get you to give up. If you find yourself saying, “It isn’t working!” chances are very good that you are uneven in following the specifications of your behavior change program.

6. Does your child understand exactly when and for what the rewards are earned? Go over with your child the specific actions and all the little steps in between that are expected in order to get a reward.

Final Tip: Get your child involved! Your child is your best partner in planning a well designed behavior change program.

Posted in Social skills | Leave a comment

Social Skills and Problem Solving: Parents, Are You Listening?

June 24, 2010
Tags: Leave a comment

What do we adults do when our friends call us with problems in their lives? We listen. We sympathize. We support. We validate their feelings. Maybe, just maybe, we carefully step in with a little advice.

When your kids have problems, do you abandon those wonderful listening skills and jump in to tell them how to fix their problems or analyze their handling of a situation? Yes, you have life experience. Yes, you have wisdom. Yes, you can probably save your child some grief if only he ‘listened to you’.
Most likely you cannot fix their problems anyway, or they may just tune you out, and most of all, they miss a chance to learn a life management skill.

If you gave your kids what you give your friends when they need a listener, chances are better that you will get what every parent craves: an inside view of what is going on in the mind of their child.
So give yourself a break. Just listen. Give your kids what you would give your best friend. Here are five tips to help you really listen to your kids.

1. Listen without interruption. That says “What you feel matters to me.”

2. Accept their feelings no matter how absurd, misguided, or naive they seems to you. Of course you want to guide your children to have sound values but where possible, let them have experience in ‘figuring it out’ themselves.

3. If you feel your child is stuck and it is important that you try to help, ask permission to enter the subject: “Do you want me to tell you what I think?” or “Can I make a suggestion?” And make it a couple of good quick, to-the-point nuggets, and pause. As your child trusts that you will allow him to do his own problem solving, he will be more receptive and even interested in your views.

4. Listen for the feelings behind the words. It helps kids to feel understood. As you hear your child’s words, ask yourself “What is my child feeling about this matter?” Frustrated? Proud? Confused?

5. Use a reflective listening formula: “You feel __________because_________.”
. After you hear your child’s words, you mirror back words that you believe describe how she feels.“You feel let down because Lori did not call you when she said she would.” Do not presume to know your child’s feelings. If you are not sure, say, in a questioning tone: “Let me see if I have this right. You feel angry because you did not make it on time to get to play in the game.” This one is particularly helpful for practicing feelings identification with kids and adults who have Autism or Asperger Syndrome.

Special tip for success: In the beginning, your child may find this new way of communicating strange and perhaps not trustworthy. Do not force it, be patient, be consistent with your listening skills, giving your child time to figure it out, relax and trust in it.

Posted in Social skills | Leave a comment

Social Skills and Friendship: What Are the Signs of a True Friend?

June 24, 2010
Tags: Leave a comment

The best kinds of people to have around you are the caring kind. They are what we think of as ‘true’ friends. Getting to know who’s who can be most interesting and sometimes most challenging.

This advice is universal. It fits for anyone of any age when making decisions about who to bring into your life and heart as a friend. However, these tips are stated in a way that will be especially helpful for tweens and teens as well as for kids and adults with ADHD, Autism or Asperger Syndrome. These tips will be useful for those who have a difficult time picking up the cues and clues that give them the ‘Go!’ or the ‘No!’ when it comes to friendship.

Here are eight tips to guide you to recognize a true friend:

1. Do you feel your friend cares about what you have to say? A real friend pays attention while you are talking and asks questions if he or she does not fully understand your situations or feeling before giving advice about it.

2.True friends are interested in what is good for you not for what you can give to them or do for them. A true friend would advise you to do only what is safe, smart and helpful to you. It helps sometimes to see if other people you like and respect also like your new friend.

3. Do you ever feel pressure to do something you don’t want to do? If you feel this way, it is your true friends who can help you sort out how to be yourself, do the right thing and still be a part of the crowd.

4. If you make a mistake, a true friend helps you feel better. A true friend does not make you feel dumb, gossip to others or criticize you.

5. A true friend gives you space and privacy if you want it. You don’t have to explain or wonder if your friend will be upset if you prefer to do something your own way, on your own time.

6. When you have problem, a true friend encourages you to find people you trust to help you take the right steps to solve it. to tell you to talk to an adult or with the right experience.

7. True friends understand how much you can do. If your parents don’t permit you to go out on school nights, a true friend will stick by you when you can be together.

8. A true friend lets you have other friends. You don’t have to worry about a true friend getting upset if you spend time with someone else. There are so many different ways youcan spend time with people. You might have a certain friend who loves to play basketball with you and other friends who are your movie or concert friends. This does not mean dropping your friend for something else. Real friends have mutual respect and make room for each other to do what they want.

This guide is also a good way to evaluate how good a friend you are to others!

Posted in Social skills | Leave a comment

Social Skills Training and Rewards: Five Tips to Tailor Your System to a Perfect Fit for Your Child

June 24, 2010
Tags: Leave a comment

If you want to improve how your kids respond to your behavior change program, you may need to fine-tune your reward system. Here are six key questions to guide you to create rewards to a tailor-made fit to your child’s individuality.


1. Do your rewards have enough novelty to keep your child motivated? Even the most fun and unique rewards get old. Keep updated with rewards that propel your children and students to keep working towards a goal. Fine tune and freshen up rewards before their appeal fizzles out.


2. Are you overlooking praise as a natural and easy to deliver reward? Praise blossoms self-esteem. Praise is a compelling motivator. Kids love to hear their parents and teachers be proud of them. Praise the deed. “Good job on the clean-up. I don’t see a speck of dirt!”


3. Are you rewarding for effort? Build success into your behavior program. Make sure your child can count on achievement. If a reward is getting an A, set it up so the child has opportunities to get the thrill of an A.


4. Are your rewards scheduled frequently enough? Remember the objective of a reward is to reinforce positive behavior. That means giving your child encouragement to keep doing the good thing. If the goal is a tougher one for your child to achieve, set up your program to give little rewards or partial points along the way for effort or steps taken toward an end goal.


5. Are you keeping the focus on positive behaviors? Play down points not earned. You want your child to keep the thrill of earning in his mind and you do this by keeping the focus on building the points or accumulating the tokens. Allow your child to keep points once earned no matter how the scene may have deteriorated. At times he does not earn his points, that in itself is a penalty so you need do nothing more. Refocus on the positive.


6. Are you following through with your part? Parents, educators and caregivers are busy people and what sometimes is neglected, as a result, is their very vital role. A most common reason that a well-crafted behavior program does not work is because the adults get too busy and those essential and exciting check marks, parent initials or tokens don’t get handed out. If it is impossible to be there consistently, let the tracking system be self-administering, where your child is on the honor system. You might be delighted by how he or she honors the agreement. It is okay to commit only to what you comfortably can do. And you will see, the time you give up now will pay off dramatically in the time and relief that will be your reward.

For more on rewards in your behavior change program, see companion articles:

Social Skills and Rewards: Five Tips for Tailoring your Behavior Change System to a Perfect Fit for your Child

Social Skills and Your Behavior Change Program: Troubleshooting When the Rewards Aren’t Working

Posted in Social skills | Leave a comment

Social Skills Training and Self-Esteem: Fine-Tune Your Praise with Five Unlimited Ways

June 24, 2010
Tags: , Leave a comment

There is nothing as powerful as well chosen words to make your child feel great. That internal sense of satisfaction of a job well done is a feeling money cannot buy. You may be reinforcing your child’s positive behaviors with concrete items or special experiences or something else. At same time, it is important to be instilling a sense of self pride in your child that is itself, the reward.

Your comments and compliments are magical in building your child’s sense of worth. How often do you stop to reflect on just the right way to praise? It is especially important to make your praise clear and specific with younger children and children who have diagnoses of Asperger Syndrome, Autism and ADHD. Here are five categories to help you fine-tune your praising:

1. Acknowledging Praise Words

You are choosing words that give your child acknowledgment of effort or success. This type of praising is helpful when your child is working on meeting a challenge.

“I knew you could do it!”

“You figured it out!”

“You put an incredible amount of thought into that project.”

2. Complimenting Praise Words

These are the type of words that build self-esteem by celebrating success or effort. You are praising an action you have seen and your words will usually have a big exclamation mark at the end!

“Awesome job!”

“Super work!”

“A dynamite job!”

” I admire how hard you work.”

“You are so creative!”

3. Encouraging Praise Words

These are words that you might use intermittently to keep your child moving along. Your child might be having a tough time and encouraging words can be comforting and motivating.

“You are catching on.”

“You’re on your way now.”

‘I knew you could do it.”

4. Affection Praise Words

You are simply sending a ‘thank-you’ message but the message is wrapped in special caring or love.

“You are a joy to work with!”

“Give me a hug!”

“”You made my day!”

5. Esteem Boosting Praise Words

These words comment on a personal quality.

“You are an excellent listener.”

“You are dependable about following through with your responsibilities.”

“You treat people fairly even though it’s hard to lose at the game.”

“I see you take your work seriously and that takes maturity.”

“I love how you get things done!”

Final Tip: Be descriptive as possible about the action you are praising.

Posted in Parenting | Leave a comment

Social Skills and a Peaceful Household: Are You Inviting Cooperation or Conflict?

June 24, 2010
Tags: , Leave a comment

Parents, do you get weary from the steady flow of needs, issues and dilemmas that are part of being with kids?

Your emotional well being matters if you want to be an effective parent.
And it takes discipline to keep doing what you don’t feel like stepping up to.
Just like your standard new year’s resolutions – ‘Eat less.’ ‘Spend more time with the kids.’ – deep down you know everything there is to know about the actions you need to take. The problem is that over time, your resolve gradually slips away until you have lost control of the situation. So here is a little parenting wake call up to help you improve your relationship with your kids and restore energy you thought you would never recoup.

These tips can work with children of every age, and may be customized to the special needs of kids and adults who have Asperger Syndrome, high functioning autism or ADHD. Parenting is a creative act so these tips will fit bettere for some situations than others. Pick one to start working on, write it down, work on it for 10 days, and evaluate.

4 Choices for New Resolve

1. Say it once. When you give your child a reminder or a direction, are you wearing yourself out with words and getting no farther ahead? Your children know exactly how many repeats they get before you mean business. The key is to be serious the first time you give the direction. Until then, you are actually saying, “But you don’t really have to bother listening to me yet.” Expect immediate cooperation. Don’t wait until you are fit to be tied to finally give the consequence.

The Resolution: One chance and the consequence is next. [In select situations, you might decide to have a 'one warning' system, and then the consequence comes, without fail.]

2. Don’t give wiggle room. With kids, avoidance is in; cooperation is out. When you say, “Take out the trash” do you mean, “Go take out the trash” or do you mean, “Go take out the trash as soon as I start to scream at you.”? Say the minimum and wait. In a few types of situations, you may need to coach your challenging loved one through the steps of the task. Even then, use only the words you need. Do not embellish in the hope it will help. You will just be falling for their bargaining and ploys to buy time in hopes they get out of the expectation.

The Resolution: Keep it to a short specific statement and wait to see if you need to move into the consequence phase.

3. Don’t explain so much. When you want something done, are you hoping to be talked out of it? You say “No.”? Then why would you go into the ‘why’? Just tell the ‘what’ , the ‘where’ and / or the ‘when’. Example: “Before you leave [when] put your dishes [what] in the sink [where]. Then stop talking. Your kids will know that there is nowhere to go when they cannot go down a long road of talk. [If every rule has an exception, there are cases where you might want to explain in detail - ONCE - to be sure that it is very clear what needs to be done. A child on the autism spectrum may need specific instruction and to understand the 'why'; a child with ADHD may need a reminder cue until the habit is established.]

The Resolution: Act with confidence.

4. Finish what you start. If you are reminding your child to feed the dog and you remember he did not rake the leaves, do not launch into everything that never got taken care of. That is a strategy that accomplishes nothing because you have gone on a tangent instead of solving a problem. By the time you finish, you won’t remember what you started. And it becomes a useless cycle.

The Resolution: Keep to one topic at a time.

If you want to really hold yourself to it, ask a friend or family member to keep you accountable, with a consequence to yourself if you miss or forget the goal. The threat of doing kitchen clean up duty [instead of the kids!] may be just the trick to keep you in line.

Posted in Parenting | Leave a comment

Social Skills, Parenting and Teaching: Are You Teaching Your Kids to Ignore You?

June 24, 2010
Tags: , Leave a comment

Priorities of parents and teachers are usually quite different than the priorities of their kids. Kids are expert testers of limits with precision radar for just how far they can push you. The struggle can get so tough that it is understandable when the adults find themselves shortcutting their way through a matter just so they can put it behind them or move on to something else. The result is that the long-term reward is sacrificed to get the immediate relief they crave.

But you will experience a splendid payoff sooner than you can imagine if you dedicate yourself to keeping your eye on the behavior prize. It takes a little discipline and a lot of resolve but it gets easier and soon, instead of agonizing about the problem, you will be having more fun as you interact with the kids in your life. These four powerful tips will help parents and educators to teach respect, get respect and make life easier for everyone:

1. Do what you say you will. When you tell your child that fighting with her sister means time out, do you mean to say “If I am not too tired or if I am angry enough I will make sure you go to time out.” Do not fall into the fantasy that giving in will make your child happy or keep peace. Exactly the opposite, your kids crave those limits that keep them safe from the burden of having to test them all the time.

The Resolution: Give your child the gift of consistency.

2. Be careful about the commitments you make. That means, make no enticing promises until you are sure you can follow through. If you tell your teen you are going to the mall or your toddler you are going to the park, then you let them down, you are teaching them they cannot rely on what you say. And you give them opportunities to criticize you, and be right about it. Demonstrate integrity and accountability for your words. As they grow up, why would your kids keep their word if you don’t? They do what you teach them.

The Resolution: Before you talk about your plans, think them through thoroughly. [Apologize and reschedule if something serious comes up, just as you would with anyone else.]

3. Be sure you are asking for something your child can deliver. Sometimes parents or teachers take for granted their kids can “just do it” You may be expecting them to accomplish something they have not mastered. There are many versions of teeth well brushed. They may be lost at how to prepare, organize or start a task. Kids get stuck, wanting to please but struggling with how to meet your expectations.

The Resolution: Spend the time needed to work with your child to fully learn the skills you expect to see.

4. Give positive consequences! Kids do not get enough words of praise. If your child does something new and improved, praise with specific words.”Thank you for remembering to call home when you said you would.” Don’t spoil the success by picking up on other problems. Parents tend to roll their praising into complaining, going to the next thing they want fixed for example “Well, you did a good job of cleaning your room but you aren’t brushing your teeth very well.” Let them have little victories to build their sense of pride and motivate them to keep trying. If your child has struggled to get through a tough school project or made a breakthrough on something that has been a challenge, celebrate. One to one time is a priceless gift to give your child. Play a game together. Cook something together.

The resolution: Give them praise and special time together and they will have no reason to tune you out.

Make it a priority to keep working on these and you will be amazed at how it just keeps getting better!

Posted in Parenting | Leave a comment

Parenting and Divorce- Five Graceful Actions To Ease the Way for Your Kids

June 24, 2010
Tags: , Leave a comment

Most divorced parents try very hard to do everything right with their kids. However, the very emotional politics that come with divorced parenting can unintentionally draw the kids onto a battle ground. Following these will be a gift to your kids.

1. Be appropriately interested in your child’s life with your ex. Do not be stone silent when Dad’s or Mom’s name comes up. If you take a position such as “What happens at her house is not my business”, your child will hear your anger behind the comment. Ask mild questions of genuine interest, like “How was your week?” or “Did you have good time at Grandma’s?” On the other hand, probing will be uncomfortable for your child. NOT appropriate would be a stream of questions about Mom’s new boyfriend.

2. Keep your child out of the middle of you and your ex. Yes, you have heard this before and perhaps you are dong a good job of it. But, be careful that you are not subtly pressuring your child. You may be revealing more than you think.
Example: If it comes as a surprise to you that your child is getting D’s in a subject, you may be
tempted to drop a comment about your ex leaving you out of the loop. While you can certainly
talk with your child about the grade problems, get more information by civilly approaching your
ex, despite your fury that you had a right to know.

3. Work with your new husband /wife or boyfriend or girlfriend to give you all the leeway you need to make your kids feel important in your life. And unfortunately as lovely as he or she may be, your new partner may not be welcomed by your kids right now. You cannot make kids feel any different than they do at the time.
Kids are on their own clock. But you can work towards changing their minds by respecting their
feelings of today. If the divorce is new and they want to be only with you on an occasion such as Father’s Day or Mother’s Day, ask for your partner’s understanding. It may be the best investment for future relationships.

4. Be a mature support when your child is upset at her other parent. This is not your opportunity to join the cause. Children are protective of their parents no matter what. Echoing their father’s shortcomings, even if true, does not help them feel better. A better response that will earn the
respect of your child: Listen with quiet understanding or a simple statement like “I know you
love him.”

5. Call a genuine truce with your ex, for your child’s life cycle events. When there is a birthday party, a graduation or a wedding the moment belongs to your child. Show up, dress appropriate, say hello to everyone. Behave in a way that makes your child proud of you. You will be teaching dignity and tasteful behavior choices.

Posted in Parenting | Leave a comment

Parenting and Single Dads – Five Actions For Rich Relationships With Your Kids

June 24, 2010
Tags: Leave a comment

Divorce is never easy for kids, but there are some steps single dads can take to help their adjustment. These tips are good ones for single moms too, but they are more commonly the challenges that single dads face as they move on to creating a different life with their kids.

1. Do what you realistically can in the time you have with your kids. You might wish you could impress some lessons on your kids that you no longer have time for. You may not be able to get in all the homework discipline, karate moves or father-child guidance that you used to. You wonder, “What will I do to make sure the kids get that from me?” Well, you have to revise your vision of what you can do and create a nice balance in how you spend your time together. Make sure that being relaxed is right up on top of your goals for your time together.

2. Understand what your kids are really saying if they ‘give you attitude’. No matter what, kids just want their parents to be together. Testing behaviors are often their way of saying, “I don’t like that you are divorced.” They are expressing their feelings in the way they know how. You have to have those ‘broad shoulders’ and keep loving them unconditionally no matter how they test your patience and love.

3. Let your child have relationships with friends or family members, although you may not be on speaking terms with them. Happy kids are not involved in adult issues. Kids are their own people and your disputes have nothing to do with them. If there is a ‘malfunction’ in your family [such as you do not talk to your sister-in-law], do not let your biases stop your child from enjoying time with her aunt [unless you feel there is a legitimately serious concern].

4. Do not become someone else to your child when you remarry or get into a new relationship. You can get so caught up in the newness, that you unintentionally back burner the kids. Your children need you to be focused on them. You will be free to peacefully enjoy your other relationships for a long time, if you take care of your kids in the way they need you right now. [And this takes sharp listening skills.]

5. Have rules for your kids. Your rules can be different than at Mom’s house but you have to have them.You keep your child feeling safe with your own set of expectations – bedtime, healthy foods, time on the computer.

When in doubt, here is your self-coaching question: “What is in the best interest of my child?”Your children will love and appreciate you when you let that question guide you.

Posted in Dads and Their Kids, Parenting | Leave a comment