Social Skills and Consequences: Not Just Another Word for Punishment

June 24, 2010
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Let’s presume you have covered these first two basic steps in your behavior change program:

1. You have worked with your child to establish The Rules and why they are important. [Rules may be specifically set out poster- style guidelines or agreements, or they may be less specifically stated but understood limits and boundaries.]

2. You have worked with your child to establish The Reward System related to following the rules. [Rewards may be tangible items or the natural payoffs and pleasures related to accomplishing the business of life.]

Next, you establish The Consequences. Your kids need to know what will happen when they do and do not do what is expected. Consequences teach that for every action there is a corresponding reaction. That reaction can be of the feel-good type and it can also be negative because something pleasurable is unavailable. Our focus here is to look at the negative side of consequences and what it takes for our challenging loved ones to shift their behavior to the positive, rewarding side.

The internal workings of punishments and consequences are very different. Here are the distinctions:

Punishment revolves around who has the power. Punishment encourages a struggle between parent and child.
Consequences force the child to struggle with the problem, instead of the parent. The power the child does have is to work on a solution.

Punishment puts the entire responsibility on the parent.The parent has to be on site to make sure the punishment happens according to plan.
Consequences take the burden off the parent. The child learns life lessons by taking on appropriate responsibilities for the problem.

Punishment teaches a child to conceal and lie. When kids fear punishment, and try to cover up a problem, it layers on additional issues for parents to handle.
With consequences, your child cannot avoid the results of her behavior. She is has to take action to solve or rectify a matter.

Example
A child leaves a homework project to the last minute.

Compare

Punishment: The parent takes away this week’s allowance. There is no natural relationship between schoolwork and allowance. Money becomes a way to try to control the child’s behavior.
Consequence: Your child decides what activity he will have to miss on the weekend in order to finish the project. Chores and other obligations remain as usual. No need for parental control, only to watch over to see that the child handles the problem. Do you see how rule and consequence have a natural connection?

A Case Study: Two Versions

Two children are fighting over a Gameboy. Mom hears this going on in the other room. Mom comes in and takes away the Gameboy, and attempts to separate the kids, sending them to their rooms. They refuse to go. Mom yells and loses her cool. Mom then tries a different tack, telling the children, they will have to split the time each has with the Gameboy, since they can’t share it appropriately. But she decides to first separate them and hear each story and make a judgment call who plays with the Gameboy first. Nothing is solved, the argument carries on until mom and kids are frazzled.

What happened here? Mom took on the responsibility, resulting in a no-win power struggle. The kids did not cooperate with her solution, they challenged her authority, she felt forced to back down and come up with another solution and set herself up for something she has to police – who’s first, who’s second? The process got time intensive as mom collected and sorted information and after all that, the problem was not solved. That was real punishment – for mom!

Case Study: The Consequence Version

When mom hears the kids fighting, she comes into the room and firmly says, “STOP! You must get along before you can have the Gameboy back. The Gameboy will stay on the kitchen table until you can figure out how to share it.” That’s it!

What happened this time? Mom handled the conflict, setting out a safety rule for the kids and boundaries about where the Gameboy is to be kept and for how long. But she has not solved the problem. That’s the kids’ job. Mom exits the scene and the kids know the Gameboy is available when they figure out how to share it. Mom is not needed again. And the kids have an opportunity to work out a solution that will carry forward to the next time.

Whether it’s your toddler or your teen, you can hand over the problem-solving to them.

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Social Skills and Consequences: 8 Keys to Help Your Child Learn Naturally

June 24, 2010
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The heartbeat of your behavior change program is your consequences because they help you keep your rules alive. Think of rules as the brains of the operation because they have the information about what behavior is expected. Think of rewards as the legs of the program because they keep things running nicely. And be sure to think of ‘consequences’ as something very different from punishment.

Consequences are natural and logical outcomes of behavior. Consequences can be rewarding. But, when there is a problem to deal with, natural consequences free you from struggling to control your child while he has opportunities to learn to solve his own problems. Above all though, you want to keep your children safe so there may be times of exception when you call the shot, and that’s that.

Key Tips for Successful Consequence Planning

1. Match up the severity of the consequence with the seriousness of the violation. This does not mean be harsh. It does mean a consequence must be compelling enough for your child to take action. Banishing your child from the kitchen because he spilled the milk -again – is overkill and not too practical but mopping the floor before leaving the kitchen is a match. Eventually he will get tired of spilling and mopping.

2. Pre-plan. Don’t make up consequences as you go along.Kids must be clear on what will and will not happen in given circumstances. Where appropriate, involve your child. You may be amazed at how your kids jump on board identifying their own logical consequences. If you see adjustments are needed, go back to the drawing board, think it through and then talk with you child to be sure the program changes are well understood.

3. Be consistent, without fail! If you let a consequence slide, or relax your guard because things are getting better, it will be a tough climb uphill to correct. Stop what you’re doing and follow through, no matter what else is going on. When you are wishy-washy, your kids know they can outsmart you. On the other hand, every time you show consistency, you also show credibility and each incident gets easier to handle.

4. Stop yourself from impulsively delivering absurd consequences in the heat of your frustration. “You’re grounded for a month!” is probably way overdoing it. A week may be more effective and is definitely more realistic for you to enforce.

5. Threatening what you cannot possibly follow through with is the same as saying “I don’t really expect you to listen to me.” Your kids know those buttons well and play a tougher game than you will have the energy to play in return. Avoid resorting to useless threats. They usually start with phrases such as “From now on –” and “Never again –”

6. Don’t fall for guilt, debates or self- doubt. That is the timeworn test you must pass.
Remember who is the parent here. Calmly state your expectations in a positive, non-confrontational way. “You can be on the phone or IM your friends after all homework is done.” [Notice how you have also stated that the consequence of not finishing homework at a reasonable time means no 'socializing' from home that night.]

7. Give second chances -rarely. You can include a first warning system in your program to alert your child that consequences he may not like are on the horizon. Then follow through if the warning goes unheeded!

8. Practice. Consequencing is one of the toughest parenting and educator challenges, but like other skills, it becomes comfortable in time. As you see the wonder in how consequences work, you will wonder how you managed before! Your child will learn to respect them and expect them.

Modify When It Will Help Your Child Succeed

With our challenging loved ones with Autism, ADHD, Asperger Syndrome and other LD issues, we must further fine-tune our approach by teaching them the micro skills that may not come naturally but are necessary for success. A child may need:

  • More time to process a situation. For this child, it may only be fair to build in warnings.
  • problem-solving skills required to come up with solutions to the consequences presented.
  • help to see how flexibility will pay off for her – that cooperation makes the world easier to live in even though it may not be her preferred way of doing something.
  • skills to avoid being taken advantage of so not to wind up with continual consequences.
  • help to not over focus on the rules – for example, kids with Asperger syndrome can get fixated on the rule when paying attention to the consequence is the important part.
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Life Skills and Decision Making: Coaching Your Teen to Think It Through

June 24, 2010
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The teenage years are a test, for parents and for teachers, but most of all, for the teens themselves. Teens are constantly being tested on life decisions, and they need a lot of guidance at a time of life when they least want to hear it. But much of the time teens are amazingly wise about the issues we worry they will not be able to handle. The trick is to guide them, while allowing them to hold on to that independence they so value.

You can guide your teens by coaching them to arrive at the smart and sensible answers they already know, and just have to discover within themselves.

Here are nine questions you can pose to your kids to develop the process of thinking through their life issues. These questions work in just about any situation, such as peer pressure, school achievement, and dilemmas that come with hard to make choices.

Pick one or two. Don’t overload. Sometimes one key question opens the gateway for your teen to reach that “Aha!” moment and do the right thing for his or her life.

Questions for your teen to reflect on:

1. Can you give your full commitment to this plan?

2. Where would you like this decision to take you?

3. What will you do when there are temptations to do something different from what you have planned?

4. What will it feel like to meet this goal?

5. How can you keep remembering that there is a better way to think about some things? [...when you feel yourself slipping.]

6. What will happen when / if you don’t follow through? How will you help yourself make a correction?

7. What can you tell yourself if your resolve begins to weaken and you need a confidence boost?

Final Tip: Sometimes teens need a mentor or an adult they respect, who is not their parent. It does not diminish your role as a parent. What is happening when your teens seem to respect the opinion of others though you would have said the very same thing? They are working on the normal adolescent process of growing away from you. The behavior of teens can be very confusing. Remember your teen is exploring how to be with and without you as an integral part of his or her life. If your child does work with a mentor type person, it is a good idea for you to know who the supporting adult is, but once you have trust in that person, stepping aside may be a great gift to your teen.
If you do decide to encourage your teen to find a mentor, here’s the question to plant:

8. Who is a person you feel comfortable going to, to talk things over when you need a sounding board?

Parents, don’t expect feedback, but welcome it. You will get your best feedback in the results you see.

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Fathers: Ten Parent Qualities You Can Model For Your Children Every Day

June 24, 2010
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Fathers, whom did you look up to? How do you want your child to look up to you? Though he is no longer here, my dad left me with wonderful memories of qualities I wanted to have, and behaviors I wanted to choose. It is with a smile in my heart that I remember what my father modeled for me:

1. Humor is a strategy. It is often quite OK to joke in a serious situation. Laughter and stress have a hard time co-existing. My father had a knack of diffusing tension at just the right time with just a few words that shifted the mood and had us all laughing despite how important the problem was or more often, was not.

2. The truth is fixed. My dad used to say to us “The truth does not move around.” Be completely honest in your interactions with others. It shows great character. And you can’t hide your own weaknesses from your children, so you might as well show you are human and model honesty with respect to your faults.

3. Listen to your child, uninterrupted. You will be saying, “I value what you think.” My dad did not always agree but he always listened. When you let your child say all she needs to, you give her the message her feelings are important to you. Just listening, without judgment is a priceless gift to a child and adolescent. And the gift is even bigger when your next words reflect what your child feels instead of what you want her to hear.

4. Giving is the best way to receive. Be attentive to what your child wants from you in time, understanding, and support, especially those things that can come only from a father. Your child will feel gratitude and love, though he is not likely to say so.

5. Be respectful, despite what you may be thinking. Show tolerance to all people, even those for whom you do not feel much respect. I never saw my dad be unkind, even when he was not happy with someone. Your child needs to see how you rise above the foolish or trivial ways others can behave.

6. Wonder frequently, and aloud. My dad used to say, “I wonder why –” Or “I want to learn more about —.” When we talk about our curiosities and what we think and feel about the world around us, we teach our children it is good and safe to do the same.

7. Crying is OK. Tears are cleansing when we are sad. Tears feel great when they spring from joy or passion about something important to us.

8. Find the smallest positives. My dad noticed and commented on the littlest good deeds. Watch for opportunities in daily life to say, “Good thinking, my daughter” and “Proud of you, my son.”

9. Say, “Please” and “Thank you.” and “May I –? “ You will be demonstrating good manners, behaviors that help to open important doors out in the world. A great first impression will never stop being a great thing to do.

10. As your child grows, be open to his ideas that might be challenging or unconventional to you. Respond first with words that convey you understand. In return, your child will listen more attentively to what you want to say. If your child is moving into young adulthood and wants to choose a life path different from what you envisioned, get out of the way and let it happen. Support and trust their choices and your children will continue to be in your life in many joyful ways.

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Social Skills and Talking to Your Kids: Negative Influences in Their Everyday Media

June 24, 2010
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What used to be taboo, ‘not for children’ is in the media mainstream. Keeping your parental controls on all the violence, sexuality and other inappropriate information being marketed at your child every day is like chopping down a forest while new trees are sprouting behind you. Exasperated parents wonder how to counteract all the negative information their kids are bombarded with from TV, the internet, music and video. Removing it all from view is a tough job and unrealistic. The answer is simple but not always easy. To get your kids on board with you, you first have to get on board their ship. Parents, educators and caregivers have to find subtle ways to be involved and begin conversations about what their kids are interested in and exposed to.

This is especially important when working with your kids and adults with ADHD, Autism and Asperger Syndrome. Here are systematic steps to get your kids to be more open and receptive to discussing what they see and hear:

1. Find ways to be a part of what your kids like watch, play and listen to. This does not mean you become a devotee of their rock or rap groups. Your kids won’t like it if you try to be them. You might casually ask to play a round of her video game or join him watching an episode of his TV show.

2. Open up dialog. Initiate conversations about your child’s interests. If you watched a TV show together, show your interest with non-judgmental questions. Asking for factual information is safe and gets you up to speed on the characters. “What was she in trouble for?” “Did she ever date him?” As your child, gets the sense that your interest is genuine, you can sprinkle in some opinion questions. “What did you think about how he treated her?” Keep it light and short.

3. Be on the watch for teachable moments. As your child builds trust in your intentions, opportunities will present themselves for you to gently influence. If your child is not in the mood to listen, don’t push. Keep showing up as an interested parent.

4. Listen to your child with full attention. Practice being silent longer than you speak. This shows up in both your words and your body language. Be face to face and focused on your child, not multi-tasking. If your child is on a talking streak, seize it as a great listening opportunity.

6. Make comments that show open mindedness. Ignore what turns you off. When your child feels you respect his world, you are opening a door to communication.

7. Ask open-ended questions that help him your child to think it through. “What did you think about the part where…?” Respect her answer and reflect back in a few words what you understand about your child’s view. Then share yours in a few words.

8. Keep it simple. Young children need short, clear pieces of information. It does not change as they get older. Teenagers are leary of what comes across as lecturing. A little nugget of simple wisdom is more likely to stick with them.

9. Begin to show your interest when they are young. As they grow, it will be a natural thing for your children to talk about their world.

10. Be patient. Children’s work is to sort out their experiences and, with your guidance, create their own set of solid, sensible values.

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Social Skills and Self-Esteem: Nine Strategies to Help Your Kids See Their Greatness

June 24, 2010
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Some kids and adults need clear information about the strengths and talents you know they have. This is especially true for children and many adults who have Asperger Syndrome, Autism, or ADHD. They may need to get their knowledge about where they shine, in a more direct way than you have been communicating so far. This knowledge is the nourishment of a healthy self-image.

Here are ten strategies to help your challenging loved ones to believe in themselves:

1. Give them a mental picture so they can ‘see’ what you mean. Instead of “That is a great story!” try something like: “The characters in your story seem like real people.”

2. Be sincere and specific. ‘Very good!’ is very good to say but when you can, compliment the action. “You are a whiz at finishing puzzles.” “You really know how to swing a bat.”

3. Compliment ‘in the moment’. Don’t wait. Tell her now so she makes the connection between a positive behavior and the good feeling of praise.

4. Be on the watch for unrecognized strengths. You may be overlooking some subtle but nonetheless strong qualities in your child. Think creatively and you will find them! If your teen avoids friends who do drugs, alcohol or smoke, he has good judgment. If she plays chess, she has good analytic skills, if he connects easily with people he is a good conversationalist. If she is involved in sports, she is a ‘team player.’ You can use these qualities as springboards to build more.

5. Help your child keep his weaknesses and ‘failures’ in perspective. Point out real life situations to illustrate that “everyone makes mistakes” and “everyone is learning all the time”. Find stories about famous people who worked around their limitations to become famous inventors, artists and authors.

6. Teach your child how to self-advocate. Use her daily challenges to explore behavior choices she can make – positive and negative. Show her what she can do to be in charge of her life, appropriate to her age and developmental stage.

7. Be trustworthy all the time. Trust in reliable adults is key to learning to trust yourself. Promise only what you can follow through on. If you must break your word, tell your child what is going on and discuss other options to replace what you had previously committed to.

8. Keep them going, when they are discouraged, with “You can do it!” messages. You know when your child can do better and what it takes to get there. Be the wind beneath her wings.

9. ‘Shine the light’ on those talents. Plan activities and social events that give your child appropriate opportunities to share what is important to her. If your child has a special need, look for just the right place for her to be in the limelight. A child with Asperger Syndrome may need to be in the company of people who have great interest in her special area of knowledge.

As you practice these tips, enjoy watching your children’s self-pride blossom.

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Social Skills and Managing Emotions: Helping Your Child with Impulse Control in Social Situations

June 24, 2010
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Help your kids manage their emotions and avoid sabotaging their good times with impulsive behavior. This is especially challenging for kids and adults who are highly sensitive, or who have Asperger Syndrome, Autism or ADHD.

Here are seven strategies to help them handle frustration.

1. Help them find in-the-moment strategies for self-calming. Make your child an active participant in exploring what will work best for him. ‘Take a break’. ‘Tune in to what’s happening with your body’. ‘Take your mind to an imaginary place that feels peaceful’.

2. Get clear on triggers that send your child into meltdown. Ask questions like “What happens just before you want to explode?” Notice patterns, such as tiredness or hunger that wear down energy and bring on irritable moods. Once you identify triggers, you can then work on helping your child to avoid ‘losing it’.

3. For kids who don’t or won’t talk much, create a system where they write or tape their feelings to be shared when they are ready. This is a great way to safely vent feelings and often, that’s as far as it may need to go.

4. Agree on signals that will cue your child to avoid behaviors that invite frustration or embarrassment. Sometimes they just do not know until it’s too late. You may not always be able to be at the scene, but when you can, have a subtle way of sending a “You are heading for trouble”message. It may be a wink or a gesture as subtle as smoothing your hair back – just enough for her to pick up the cue and say “Woops!” and do a self-correction.

5. Help your child to think ahead about the consequences to his actions. Ask questions like“What will it feel like after you do this?” and “What do you think will happen if —?”

6. Help your child prepare for the inevitable mistakes. Ask thinking questions of your child: “How will you help yourself make a correction for the future?” or “What can you do right away if this happens again?”

7. Make it safe for your child to come you to process what happened. If you preach, judge or over-teach you may not get another chance to help for a long time.

Copyright Ellen Mossman-Glazer 2005. All rights reserved. You are welcome to share or reprint this article, providing it remains as written with all contact and copyright information included along with a link to http://artofbehaviorchange.com This content is coaching and education and not intended to take the place of psychological services, where advised and appropriate.

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Social Skills and Your Behavior Change Program: Troubleshooting when the Rewards Aren’t Working

June 24, 2010
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When parents and teachers say they are about to give up on their behavior modification system, it is often a straightforward matter of fine-tuning the rewards component.

Here are six questions to help you explore and improve your rewards:

1. Are the rewards you are currently using the best choices for your child? Who picked these rewards? Did your child have input? Or did you choose the rewards because you liked them? If you like the idea of the science center but your child would be thrilled with a bowling outing, which is the greater incentive to your child? Of course, introduce your child to the wonders of the science center, but not as a behavior motivator. The object of a reward is to give the child something that he will really want to strive for.

2.Are you keeping the reward a separate and very special event? If the reward for a behavior is a game of pinball, then your child plays pinball only when it has been earned according to your behavior change program and no other time. Just as an A+ is reserved for the best work, pinball games are reserved for the expected actions. If pinball is your incentive, don’t water down the reward by saying “You can play pinball if you are bored.” Find something else to overcome boredom.

3. Are you rewarding too frequently or too elaborately? When rewards come easy, the fun goes out of them. When rewards come too quick it takes the edge off the anticipation and actually tells your child you don’t expect too much. Give big, expensive rewards few and far between. Match the size of a reward to the difficulty of expectations and time it takes to earn them. Smaller rewards on a schedule where they can be earned more frequently, is best.

4. Is your child rewarded too scantily? Don’t let your child grind down in order to reach a reward. If the work is too hard for too long, your child may not even bother trying. One of the most heartbreaking scenarios in a classroom is when everyone is competing for the same thing but there is a huge span in the levels of ability. The kids left behind are usually the same kids over and over. When working with groups, vary the skills required to get to the rewards. Some kids just cannot do speed but given time, accuracy is where they shine. Make it fair and achievable for everyone.

5. Are you following through consistently? Kids are experts at knowing how they can dodge your expectations or get you to give up. If you find yourself saying, “It isn’t working!” chances are very good that you are uneven in following the specifications of your behavior change program.

6. Does your child understand exactly when and for what the rewards are earned? Go over with your child the specific actions and all the little steps in between that are expected in order to get a reward.

Final Tip: Get your child involved! Your child is your best partner in planning a well designed behavior change program.


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Social Skills and Problem Solving: Parents, Are You Listening?

June 24, 2010
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What do we adults do when our friends call us with problems in their lives? We listen. We sympathize. We support. We validate their feelings. Maybe, just maybe, we carefully step in with a little advice.

When your kids have problems, do you abandon those wonderful listening skills and jump in to tell them how to fix their problems or analyze their handling of a situation? Yes, you have life experience. Yes, you have wisdom. Yes, you can probably save your child some grief if only he ‘listened to you’.
Most likely you cannot fix their problems anyway, or they may just tune you out, and most of all, they miss a chance to learn a life management skill.

If you gave your kids what you give your friends when they need a listener, chances are better that you will get what every parent craves: an inside view of what is going on in the mind of their child.
So give yourself a break. Just listen. Give your kids what you would give your best friend. Here are five tips to help you really listen to your kids.

1. Listen without interruption. That says “What you feel matters to me.”

2. Accept their feelings no matter how absurd, misguided, or naive they seems to you. Of course you want to guide your children to have sound values but where possible, let them have experience in ‘figuring it out’ themselves.

3. If you feel your child is stuck and it is important that you try to help, ask permission to enter the subject: “Do you want me to tell you what I think?” or “Can I make a suggestion?” And make it a couple of good quick, to-the-point nuggets, and pause. As your child trusts that you will allow him to do his own problem solving, he will be more receptive and even interested in your views.

4. Listen for the feelings behind the words. It helps kids to feel understood. As you hear your child’s words, ask yourself “What is my child feeling about this matter?” Frustrated? Proud? Confused?

5. Use a reflective listening formula: “You feel __________because_________.”
. After you hear your child’s words, you mirror back words that you believe describe how she feels.“You feel let down because Lori did not call you when she said she would.” Do not presume to know your child’s feelings. If you are not sure, say, in a questioning tone: “Let me see if I have this right. You feel angry because you did not make it on time to get to play in the game.” This one is particularly helpful for practicing feelings identification with kids and adults who have Autism or Asperger Syndrome.

Special tip for success: In the beginning, your child may find this new way of communicating strange and perhaps not trustworthy. Do not force it, be patient, be consistent with your listening skills, giving your child time to figure it out, relax and trust in it.

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Social Skills and Friendship: 6 Strategies to Make and Keep Friends When It Does Not Come Naturally

June 24, 2010
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Making friends is a skill. It takes confidence and intuition. And in some cases it takes time and help. Our kids and adults who have Asperger Syndrome or Autism need extra help in picking up the subtle steps.

Following are six ways you can work with your kids to help them grow confidence and competence with their peers in social settings:

1. Identify very specifically the social skills your kids most need to learn. If your child tends to get into arguments with peers about what they will do together, you have an opportunity to teach a problem solving skill. In this case the skill will be ‘negotiating differences with friends’.

2. Break each social skill into its own little set of sub-skills. Bite off only what your child can easily chew on. If the primary social skill you want to teach is ‘how to approach a friend to get together on the weekend’, the sub-skills can include: “Who will you approach?” “When is a good time to ask?” “Where can you plan to be together?” “What will be your suggestions about what you and your friend will enjoy doing together on Saturday?”

3. Prepare your child with skills that reciprocate and encourage friendship. Listening to the other person’s feelings and sharing your belongings are two skills that build trust and lasting friendship.

4. Find entertaining ways to work on skills. The social problem scenarios in your childrens’ entertainment are great for case studies. The TV shows and movies your kids love are great material for brainstorming strategies and solutions. Practice in role play.Make it a game. Be the characters. Find entertaining ways of working on skills.

5. Encourage your kids to go places where they are more likely to meet friends with whom they have common interests. If your child loves comic books, he will have a built in topic to talk about with the kids from the comic book club.

6. Help them identify the peers who would be the right friends for them. They may not agree and you may have to let them go forth and experience disappointment. Don’t judge, but do use those experiences to help them explore how to choose who they spend time with.

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