Homework and Emotionally Intelligent Parenting: Seven Tips for the Tougher Days

June 24, 2010
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To keep your child feeling calm and capable at homework time, it is important to think about who they are as an individual. A child who feels capable and successful is at his best as a student and a person. Emotionally intelligent parenting at homework time involves nurturing feelings of strong self worth when the work is frustrating and just plain ‘too hard!” These seven tips will help you create an approach that will support your child through the tougher work loads.

1. Help your child remember his strengths at the times he is challenged by his weaknesses.Remind him of some recent progress. “I am so proud of how far you have come in Math.” Encourage him to do better in the tough subjects but understand where the limitations are. If your child is just ‘not a good student’ remember that is what is happening now, in the present. It may take until college or a post high school program for your child to really thrive in a learning setting, that just right place that gives him opportunity to create using his natural talents. In the meantime, be sure to keep your child involved in extracurricular activity that helps him feel happy and competent at something he enjoys.

2. Did you know you were lecturing? Although your child may need homework help, she knows everything there is to know about the importance of academic performance. You will get a lot more insight about what works to get your child working, if you are doing the listening. Sometimes you are lecturing and you do not see it as such. Instead of struggling to come up with the magic words that get your child inspired to do homework, try something different: give her an opportunity to reveal her feelings about school work. See next tip…

3. Polish up your listening skills. Ask questions that lead your child to talk about what it feels like for him to be frustrated with homework. You may be amazed at how your child will open up to you when you give messages, through your words and body language that you are there to listen, listen, listen. It may not change the difficulty of the homework but your child will have had an opportunity to vent and feel understood.

4. Be OK with a mediocre grade. Sometimes helping them get to the finish line is the best thing you can give them with a difficult assignment.

5.Understand your child’s moods and thinking patterns. If your child goes to negative thinking – “I’ll never get this” replace the defeatist looping thoughts with other words that help your child keep perspective. Find a replacement phrase that works for him such as “I will do this the best I can and that is that!”

6.Be sensitive to your child’s sensitivities. Explore for hidden annoyances that keep your child from fully focusing. Sounds, odors, lighting or prickly clothing can be distractions, and sources of discomfort for some children who are very sensitive to their environment. This is commonly found with children, teens as well as adults who have ADHD, Asperger Syndrome or High Functioning Autism. Observe for when, where and how their best work is done.

7. Remember: Kids do not like homework! (Well, very few look forward to it.) And what every child knows, and is not likely to admit, is that homework is one of those non-negotiables that you just plain do. And they do it best when they know you are behind them with clear and consistent support and guidelines. So, instead of getting entangled in irritating debate about doing homework, be sure to use that time and energy to work together

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Social Skills Training for Parents and Educators: “Ground Rules? So What is Expected of Me?”

June 24, 2010
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The words you use to state your rules supply important directions for how to get somewhere. When someone gives you driving directions, can you get there with: “To get to my house go west and turn right in about 15 minutes”? Too general. Too many possible choices. Vague. A well-stated rule is clear in its directions, describing exactly where you want a behavior to go.

Do your Rules Inspire Action? A rule answers the question “What is expected of me?” A well-phrased answer turns your rule into an action that can be clearly seen or heard. As an example, let’s explore a very short important rule, posted in every classroom and found in some way everywhere we go in life.

Listen to some of the many variations of how “Listen!” can look or feel when the message is put into the clearest of choice of words:

  • “Have your eyes looking at me when I am talking.” (Be socially appropriate.)
  • “Do what you have been asked – right away!” (Sense of urgency)
  • “Be silent while I am speaking.” (I feel disrespected.)
  • “Close your books and look up to the front.” (Take an immediate action, please.)
  • “Put the game back into your backpack.” (Remove the distraction and give your full attention.)

Now you may say that we just know from the context of a situation what behavior is expected. True, for most…

A Case Study: What Does “Be Nice” Look Like for this Man with Autism?

For the first time in his life, Thomas at 35 was attending a Saturday night social for adults with developmental disorders. Thomas had High Functioning Autism. Upon arriving at the club, Thomas would quickly gravitate to the types of people who would be his perfect audience. He loved the limelight and good listeners who were not inclined to interrupt his long tales about his fascination with horse movies. If the ‘ wrong ‘ person wandered over, Thomas would protect his center stage by abrupt comments such as “Go away, you will interrupt me.” Or “You won’t be interested in this.” From his own experience, Thomas knew what it felt like to be treated unkindly and he did express genuine sadness when we pointed out how he hurt people’s feelings. Tacked up in clear view on the club house wall was a poster: Ground Rules for Making Friends, and the first item was Be Nice to Others.Thomas made no connection between that rule and the screening process he created in his determination to share his fascination. Thomas truly did not know what ‘nice’ and ‘not nice’ meant in such a situation. To him, he was just ‘saying it like it is’ and to others it was crushing. Thomas was baffled about what corrective action to take when his peers complained to program supervisors.

To help Thomas with his social skills and interpreting rules, we created a two step Action Plan.

1. Thomas was given this question to explore:

What do I need to do to be nice to others at the club?

Together we came up with:

Include everyone who wants to be in the group.

See if new people are interested in famous movie horses.

Think about how I would feel.

Stop at the decided upon time.

Self-monitor by looking at my watch.

2. Thomas helped to craft a statement for himself that would give him the words to create his ‘audience’ and also practice ‘nice’ behaviors.

“I am talking about famous horses. Would you be willing to listen for a few minutes?” When he began to feel territorial about his social circle, this question helped Thomas to handle his anxiety and get assurance that he would have his limelight time. It worked well – Thomas had plenty of time to talk to his satisfaction. We also set a time limit, which he would monitor himself, and step out of the limelight and practice his ‘audience’ skills. A support person would monitor this and in a matter of time, Thomas was able to estimate for himself when to call it quits.

To get him reflecting on the payoff of his new behavior, Thomas was asked the question: How does this new plan help you have a better time at the club? Thomas answered, “People invite me to sit at their table when I invite them to listen to my horse movie stories.” Thomas was able to connect how ‘being nice to others’ brightened up life at the club.

Remember to choose your words so that they vividly teach the how-to’s of being social.

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Social Skills Training for Parents and Educators: Do You Convey Your Rules with Crystal Clarity?

June 24, 2010
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When you are trying to set rules and limits, do you get caught in a cycle of repetition, nagging and exasperation? Your words seem meaningless, you hear yourself getting louder and mention of privileges or consequences is ignored.

The problem may be classic and clear-cut ‘misbehavior’ by your challenging children who know how to work the parent system and dodge the behavioral expectations. However, it is often the case, when parents or teachers are spinning their emotional wheels working harder to get nowhere, that the source of the problem is straightforward: their challenging loved one simply does not know what it is that he or she is supposed to be doing. In particular, for those who have ADHD, Asperger Syndrome or high functioning autism, we must supply the less obvious and usually unspoken steps.

Case Study: An Exasperated Mom

While I was waiting in an airport, a mom sitting a few seats down was trying to get control of a situation with her two active little boys. The boys were bored, tired of waiting for a delayed flight, and full of spiraling energy. To entertain themselves they began a game too loud and too physical for an airport. When the little guy, about 6 years old, turned his back, the older boy, about 9 years old, came up from behind and locked the little guy’s arms behind his back. And the little guy went for vengeance with his own brand of brother-torment, and so the cycle went – rambunctious wrestling, giggling and crying alternatively to “Stop it!” then goading on for more. Mom spent about 20 exasperating minutes earnestly trying to intervene, at the end of her mothering rope in her own cycle of calling out to the boys to “Stop that!” and “Leave him alone!” packaged with convenient threats and unappealing bribes. All three were burnt out and cranky as they boarded the plane.

How could mom have been more effective in getting the results she wanted?

New and improved scenario:

When it is time for the boys to settle, Mom gets the attention of each child, looking at each child face to face, one at a time, giving them specific instructions: “Jimmy, sit in this chair.” and “Bradley, sit in that chair.” And then, “Jimmy find an activity in your back pack.” and “Bradley, here are your crayons and pad of paper. And then: “You will both sit for 10 minutes and play quietly on your own. After that, If it is not time to board the airplane yet, we will take a walk. Then we will decide what to do next.”

What does the mom achieve in that new and improved scenario?

1. She gave the boys specific information to act on. “Sit there.” “Amuse yourself by [doing this].”

2. She gave the boys an end time when they could look forward to a change of pace and new information.

3. She gave herself a break by setting the boys up with alternative behaviors that averted her own meltdown and avoided embarrassment of her children’s behavior.

4. She saved everybody energy for the trip ahead.

When you are in the thick of things, pause, pull back and take a good thought-filled look at your current strategy. Get clear about what you are not doing or saying that may give you the missing pieces to the social skills puzzle.

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Social Skills in the Workplace: A Case Study to Help Your Employee with Asperger Syndrome

June 24, 2010
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We again visit the workplace of employer ‘Jack’ and his new employee ‘Al’ who has Asperger Syndrome. In this small informal office, Al felt discomfort and confusion with ordinary routines related to phones, break time and workplace jargon. In this next phase of our work together, we designed three customized action plans, which helped Al succeed with the more social side of office responsibilities.

Jack: “When it comes to the job he was hired to do, Al is outstanding. But when people skills are required, he flounders. He goes off topic or seems confused about what people do in ordinary daily situations.”

Jack decided he would work directly and discreetly with Al, to help him feel less ‘centered out’ for this personalized training program. Co-workers had ‘supporting roles’ but Jack was the one-to-one trainer and advocate for Al.

We created action plans for these three social aspects of office life:

1. Telephone Conversation Skills

2. Flexibility and Feelings of Fitting In

3. Expressions of Speech

Goal #1 Telephone Conversation Skills

Jack: “Sometimes we have to rely on Al to cover phones for parts of the day when the office is short on staff. Al tells me he has had some bad experiences trying to figure out what to say on the phone. I can see he is anxious about this.”

The Plan: Al and Jack created a phone answering ‘script sheet’ that gave Al the words and phrases for opening greetings, message taking, transferring calls, general comments about who to speak to for what, and a few social niceties. They role played privately in Jack’s office. Jack asked Al to keep his conversations business-like brief. Al’s scripted answer to
“How are you today?” was “Fine, thank you.” since Al was sometimes tempted to answer with enthusiastic details more appropriate for social conversation with friends. If someone’s question threw him a curve, Al’s SOS script was “Please hold for someone who can help you.” and immediately transfer the call to Jack or Jack’s assistant. Al’s phone skills grew and on his own initiative, he spent time sitting in areas where he could listen and learn from co-workers fielding phone calls.

Goal #2 Flexibility and Feelings of Fitting In

Jack: “Al gets fixated on his work. It’s a quality that turns into a disadvantage at times. Other things come with this job! Time is open ended for Al! I want him to know when to focus on something else that needs to be taken care of, or even just have lunch.”

The Plan: This was a two-step plan:
1. Jack worked with Al to clarify and prioritize tasks that could be done over time, and tasks that had deadlines that were more pressing. He explained to Al that it was important and encouraged to stop and take breaks on occasions that threw the usual routine off schedule, such as an office staff meeting or a birthday gathering.

2. Jack and Al collaborated on a set of guiding questions, which helped to steer Al into another activity, if necessary. To help him break focus and evaluate, Al set his watch to beep three times a day to remind him to review his questions list:

o “Is there something else I need to tend to right now?”

o “Is something going on that everyone else is a part of?”

o “What do I need to do before getting back to my work?”

Al faithfully relied on his ‘guiding questions’ once he experienced how good it felt to fit in with the normal office rhythms.

Goal #3 Expressions of Speech

Office life had its own culture and early on Al was grappling with language that, for him, was a garble of confusing messages.

Jack: “Al is really mystified by phrases we all take for granted here. When we use expressions new to Al, like ‘shift gears’ or ‘hit the ground running’ I can see he is baffled. When a co-worker said “I am fit to be tied,” Al did not make the connection that his co-worker was feeling short of patience and frustrated.

The Plan: Al was encouraged to be honest and ask people to rephrase statements or instructions he did not understand. One of Al’s strengths was memory for information so once he understood he was on board when the expression came up again. His co-workers were very kind in helping him with work-place vocabulary and Al enjoyed that support. It was thrilling for him to experience the feeling of belonging in this office, so it got to be something of a game for Al to find new work related figures of speech.

In Closing:

These action plans took time and planning, but were successful because Jack saw the long-term value in the commitment required. And Al, who was painfully aware of his social skill ‘deficits’ was receptive to the program and delighted with the good feelings that come with support and progress.

This is a case study companion article to Help Your Employee With Asperger Syndrome Get into the Flow of Your Office Routines

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Social Skills and Feelings Education: Turn Your Kids’ Favorite Media into Your Best Teaching Tool

June 24, 2010
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These simple single-syllable words: sad, mad, and glad, are the easy first emotion words for children to use in ‘feelings talk’. Then, as they grow, and their every day vocabulary expands, the important job for parents, educators and caregivers, is to help their kids develop the awareness and the more expansive words to be emotionally articulate.

Think of ‘anger’. In a second you can have escalating conflict on your hands and you’re off and running with the energy drain of mediating and consequencing. Feelings education teaches alternatives. It may not happen every time but an emotionally tuned in child stands a chance of responding to a challenge this way: “I feel like I am going to burst into a rage, but I know there are people I can go talk to right away.”

Following is a menu of six fun ways to weave emotional education into your quality parenting time. Choose age and stage appropriate activities. What delights your little ones, may totally turn off your teens. The objective of these activities is to help them recognize a range of feelings in others and eventually, in themselves as well. For downloadable feelings face graphics which you can use as visual props, see the bottom of this article.

1. Early childhood storybooks. When reading picture books with young children, help them scan the illustrations for emotion. Dramatize the story by weaving in feeling words: “The wolf was seething with frustration when he could not get into the house.”

2. TV shows. Join them to watch, without judgment. Initiate discussion about characters and events. Attach interesting ‘feeling words’ to their observations. A ‘perplexing’ problem. A ‘moody’ friend. An ‘inspiring’ teacher. An ‘annoying’ classmate. A ‘monotonous’ story. Ask questions like “What would you feel?”

3. Film and video games. Catch the character’s body language cues: eyes wide, frowning, hands on hips. Provide a menu of emotion words, for example impatient, amazed, embarrassed.

4. Print publications. Create picture collections of real life situations that portray one emotion. For example, for the emotion proud, collect pictures of faces and events that depict pride and proud moments. When working with younger children or individuals with Asperger Syndrome or Autism, start with one emotion word and build, spending lots of time working with the ‘visuals’ of each emotion. This is a terrific way to spend time with your child in an ongoing project, organizing the images on index cards or in a scrapbook. Create activities: categorize, role-play, rate the feelings for intensity, make up silly stories. Ask lots of reflection type questions. Be imaginative!

5. Drama games. Make a list of feeling words and their corresponding body language and facial expressions. Be the characters. Be dramatic. Be silly. Exaggerate to make the point! This is a good exercise with children and young adults who have High Functioning Autism or Asperger Syndrome because they need explicit instruction in how to ‘read’ people’s faces and behaviors. Help them see the nuances of a single emotion.

6. Music. Listen and catch the moods. Imagine what the music is trying to communicate. Identfy what that would look like if it had a facial expression. Be creative with the wonderful potential of music.

For a good graphic guide of our many emotions, go to http://www.feelingfaces.com
Keep the feeling words rolling out, and have fun!

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Social Skills and Feelings Education: Five Ways to Coach Your Child on Emotions in Everyday Life

June 24, 2010
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When kids come home with A’s and B’s in reading writing and math, parents feel a sense of security that their children are building the skills that will help them succeed in life. Then there is another set of important skills, which help our kids get smarter about the emotions they feel and encounter on a daily basis.

Tell it like it is~

The question “How do you feel?” is always answered by emotion words. “I have a ton of work and I don’t know how I will get through it.” does not tell what one feels, although in that simple example, most of us get the message. “I am overwhelmed with work and worried about finishing on time.”does convey how someone feels when there’s a big workload to conquer.

Emotions are taboo territory for many adults. So making the leap to helping their children deal with emotions is a tough one for them. But helping our kids to understand their own emotions can make the difference between a physical fight and a deep breath. For children and adults with Asperger Syndrome and Autism, navigating emotional situations is an extraordinarily puzzling challenge.

Why is it so important to teach feelings education?

o Children learn to feel comfortable expressing their fears, guilt or feelings of isolation, when it is a natural thing to discuss emotions with their trusted adults. Many kids keep quiet about toxic feelings that build up and make them vulnerable to even more disturbing feelings, such as hopelessness and despair.

o It is a confidence builder when kids have a sense of control about being able to handle an emotional situation. Self-confidence is fuel for kids to use their talents and keep stretching their abilities.

o Understanding feelings help to develop personal qualities like kindness and empathy.

Following are five strategies to weave emotional education into the daily lives of your children, students or challenging loved ones.

1. Broaden your child’s vocabulary of feeling words by using some of the more vivid ones when the emotional moment arises.

When a child says, “I feel sad” he may actually want to articulate worry, loneliness, or helplessness. Sadness, when there is some kind of loss involved, can mean anything on a continuum of feelings ranging from a little disappointment to serious grieving. Help your child express just what is going on.“Are you scared?” “You felt ignored.” That made you pretty angry.”

2. Come up with questions that problem solve feelings issues.

“What can you do to help someone feel [happy]?”

” How would you know if someone felt [scared]?”

” What can you do when you feel [impatient]?”

“If you felt [jealous/confused/afraid] what would you do?”


3. Help your child put a name to feelings. Use normal daily events for teachable moments.

Your teen comes in disgruntled. Grumpy? Frustrated? Your child failed a test. Worried? Confused?Your child’s team triumphed. Proud? Exhilarated?

4. Avert a looming crisis by labeling a negative emotion as you see it coming.

When your child is on emotional overload, sometimes just acknowledging what she is going through will help her stay composed. For example: Parent:“You feel just too tired and cranky to finish your homework.” Child: “Yes!” Next time she may be able to label the feeling for herself.

5. Sprinkle your own vocabulary with words your kids know but are not inclined to be the ones on the tip of their tongue.

Here are a few feeling words useful for the daily ups and downs.

impatient

embarrassed

anxious

ashamed

amazed

For a free download of feelings graphics go to www.feelingfacescards.com
Have fun with it!


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Social Skills and Problem Solving: A Coaching Method for Guiding Your Kids to Solve Problems Wisely

June 24, 2010
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When you want your kids to make better decisions, and especially teens and tweens, they are not going to change until they see that what they are currently doing is not helping them. To help them refashion their vision, you can be the catalyst without being the bad guy.

Use the questions that follow to help your kids grapple with issues important to their lives-getting along with friends, getting homework done or making smart choices in the face of peer pressure. Kids have a lot of wisdom we don’t always see. By posing questions, you guide them to manage their lives without telling them what to do.

Start as young and early as you feel your children are able to handle the thinking process behind these questions. You can adjust language and details for age and developmental stage.

First, Some Dos and Don’ts:

Do not choose topics for these questions that may require you to over rule the decision your child comes up with.

Do: Stay in the present. Your kids know the history very well and getting into past behaviors will just turn them off. You want the focus to stay on growth and future behaviors.

Do not be pushy about getting to the answers-just let them live for a while with the question.

Do: Stay neutral. No judgments. No opinion. No lectures. And no rubbing it in later if they falter. Give them space, time to practice, and to learn what to do with success and failure.

Do not overload. Just one question can be a big bite for your child to chew on for a while.

Do: Introduce the questions gently. You know your child and how much and how receptive he or she is likely to be with your new strategy. Presentation can mean everything here!

Problem Solving Coaching Questions

1. Can you accept the results or consequences of the behavior you are choosing now?

2. Are you thinking short term or long term? Which do you think is the best way to go with this?

3. Can you accept responsibility for whatever happens as a result of your choices?

4. Do you see that behavior is a choice?

5. What do you want one year from now? What do you want one month from now?

6. Is it reasonable to believe what you are currently doing will get you the best thing in the long run?

7. What are you doing now that’s not working?

8. What would you like to do differently in the future?

9. Is what you are doing right now helping you with what you really really want for yourself?

10. What makes you feel proud of yourself?

Now parents, step aside and let your children and these questions take their course. If your kids are receptive to giving you feedback that is great. But you may not need to hear any words; the resulting behavior change will speak to you.

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Social Skills and Goal Setting: Ten Tips to Help Teens Set Goals They Won’t Fizzle Out On

June 24, 2010
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Teenagers have a lot on the go and sometimes, despite their good intentions, their goals slip away as other events steal the limelight. Following are ten tips for parents to share with their teens, to keep goals in the forefront and stay with them while life is happening in other places.

1. Put it in writing. Seeing the words gives a lot more power to your commitment.

2. State your goals with positive wording, so that you can see and visualize what it is you do want to happen. Rather than:
“I won’t watch so much TV” try “I will spend 30 more minutes a day studying.”

3. Make sure your goal is easy enough to guarantee you will achieve it. A goal should not be so big that you start to feel burdened at the thought of it. As you begin to meet your goals, the good feeling will give you momentum to challenge yourself with goals that are a little tougher.

4. Parents and teens: Work together to set goals everyone can feel good about. Parents: let your kids choose their goals. Your job is to guide them in the right direction.
Teens: Pick goals you believe in. Believing in your goals will help you stay committed to them.

5. Prioritize goals in different ways. Easiest to hardest. Most important to least important. Make sure you have some goals that are fairly easy to meet. Weave the more satisfying or fun goals in and around the more essential and harder ones. Don’t make your goal ‘Clean my whole room tomorrow.’ if your room is carpeted with months of clothing. When you set your goals so they are not too hard to achieve, you increase the chances you will feel great once you start to accomplish them. And that great feeling will help you to keep following through on your promises to yourself or your parents. Then it will be easier for you to master important goals that don’t inspire you.

6. Remember the ’3 week habit’. If you can hang in doing something for 21 days, it becomes automatic. You might be trying to start a new good habit, or get rid of an old bad habit. You don’t have to practice your new habit every single day for 21 days, just practice in a regular pattern such as every Monday, Wednesday and Friday, for three weeks.

7. Have ways to measure your successes. This does not mean compare to what others can do. You will know if you are successful by how you feel. If a visual reminder of your successes helps to keep you motivated, chart them or hang a checklist and watch your successes accumulate.

8. Plan big and little rewards for yourself. Plan for the little rewards to happen along the way. Collecting your rewards will keep you going. A big reward is something you might want to plan for at the end of the semester.

9. Don’t have too many goals at once. You will want to run from too much structure or pressure!

10. Notice if you feel overwhelmed, discouraged or drained from working on your goals. Revise your goals or your expectations of yourself so you don’t fizzle out on them.

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Social Skills and Cooperation: Short Specific Statements That Say Everything You Need

June 24, 2010
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Trust in the power of just one single sentence to get your child quickly back on track. When you are trying to get your children to pay better attention to their responsibilities, make a brief, very specific sentence your first and main strategy instead of revving up for the drain of debate, confrontation and consequencing.

You may want your child to settle down to homework, finish a chore, or make a better choice about something. It’s the ‘less is more’ model. Just a few words can say everything that needs to be heard.

The SSS Method

Create a Short Specific Statement. Here are a few different types for some typical situations:

Redirect. “The next thing you need to do is walk to your desk.” No nagging, just the statement. Repeat it until your child sees you will not engage you in any other conversation.

Refocus with a question. “What do you need to be doing next?” Keep asking until you hear or see the answer.

Start with “When” to perfectly handle requests that are not appropriate at the moment.
“When you have done your homework we can talk about the weekend.”
“When you wake up in the morning you can have your keys back.”

Show understanding, but set up a plan, without judgment. Your child failed a test and did not tell you.
” We will go talk to the teacher and find out what you need to do to bring your grade up.” Some kids keep school issues undercover, lying to parents rather than disappointing or angering them. They are more likely to keep you informed if they feel they will not be judged.

Handle slacking off.
“OK, let’s go from here.” No lectures. Just go forward.

Reframe. When your child is down on himself, give him an encouraging phrase to replace the discouragement. 
“I will do this the best I can and that is that.”

State your feelings calmly though you want to explode.
“I’m too angry to talk right now, I need some time.”and exit the scene. Don’t worry about what is going on behind you until you compose yourself and are ready to get back into it.


Two Essential Tips for Successful Short Specific Statements

Notice if your tone of voice escalates as you work harder to get your point heard and heeded.If so, you are giving your child the message you feel yourself losing ground. Make your statement as neutral as you would say, “Please pass the potatoes” and practice if you must, to be sure your voice and body language come across just as unflappable.

Stick to your statement and no other words! This is where you will trip up. If you expect your child to take some action as a result of your statement, repeat it and nothing else. If you feel you have repeated it enough, exit the scene for a while.

Make up your personal list of resourceful SSS’s and see how much simpler it gets!

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Social Skills and Consequences: Not Just Another Word for Punishment

June 24, 2010
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Let’s presume you have covered these first two basic steps in your behavior change program:

1. You have worked with your child to establish The Rules and why they are important. [Rules may be specifically set out poster- style guidelines or agreements, or they may be less specifically stated but understood limits and boundaries.]

2. You have worked with your child to establish The Reward System related to following the rules. [Rewards may be tangible items or the natural payoffs and pleasures related to accomplishing the business of life.]

Next, you establish The Consequences. Your kids need to know what will happen when they do and do not do what is expected. Consequences teach that for every action there is a corresponding reaction. That reaction can be of the feel-good type and it can also be negative because something pleasurable is unavailable. Our focus here is to look at the negative side of consequences and what it takes for our challenging loved ones to shift their behavior to the positive, rewarding side.

The internal workings of punishments and consequences are very different. Here are the distinctions:

Punishment revolves around who has the power. Punishment encourages a struggle between parent and child.
Consequences force the child to struggle with the problem, instead of the parent. The power the child does have is to work on a solution.

Punishment puts the entire responsibility on the parent.The parent has to be on site to make sure the punishment happens according to plan.
Consequences take the burden off the parent. The child learns life lessons by taking on appropriate responsibilities for the problem.

Punishment teaches a child to conceal and lie. When kids fear punishment, and try to cover up a problem, it layers on additional issues for parents to handle.
With consequences, your child cannot avoid the results of her behavior. She is has to take action to solve or rectify a matter.

Example
A child leaves a homework project to the last minute.

Compare

Punishment: The parent takes away this week’s allowance. There is no natural relationship between schoolwork and allowance. Money becomes a way to try to control the child’s behavior.
Consequence: Your child decides what activity he will have to miss on the weekend in order to finish the project. Chores and other obligations remain as usual. No need for parental control, only to watch over to see that the child handles the problem. Do you see how rule and consequence have a natural connection?

A Case Study: Two Versions

Two children are fighting over a Gameboy. Mom hears this going on in the other room. Mom comes in and takes away the Gameboy, and attempts to separate the kids, sending them to their rooms. They refuse to go. Mom yells and loses her cool. Mom then tries a different tack, telling the children, they will have to split the time each has with the Gameboy, since they can’t share it appropriately. But she decides to first separate them and hear each story and make a judgment call who plays with the Gameboy first. Nothing is solved, the argument carries on until mom and kids are frazzled.

What happened here? Mom took on the responsibility, resulting in a no-win power struggle. The kids did not cooperate with her solution, they challenged her authority, she felt forced to back down and come up with another solution and set herself up for something she has to police – who’s first, who’s second? The process got time intensive as mom collected and sorted information and after all that, the problem was not solved. That was real punishment – for mom!

Case Study: The Consequence Version

When mom hears the kids fighting, she comes into the room and firmly says, “STOP! You must get along before you can have the Gameboy back. The Gameboy will stay on the kitchen table until you can figure out how to share it.” That’s it!

What happened this time? Mom handled the conflict, setting out a safety rule for the kids and boundaries about where the Gameboy is to be kept and for how long. But she has not solved the problem. That’s the kids’ job. Mom exits the scene and the kids know the Gameboy is available when they figure out how to share it. Mom is not needed again. And the kids have an opportunity to work out a solution that will carry forward to the next time.

Whether it’s your toddler or your teen, you can hand over the problem-solving to them.

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