What we Learned in Kindergarten

In pre-school, where a big chunk of the curriculum revolves around sociability, you can hear the specific details of a social behavior weaving through the daily dialogue. Listen to the teacher: “Sit in your spot and put your hands in your lap. Wait until it is your turn to speak. Raise your hand to say something.” Keep to the schedule: “It’s time to stop what you are doing. Pick up the toys. Put them neatly in their spots on the shelf. Then come sit quietly on the carpet.” There you have the clearly articulated, easily visualized micro steps that teach preschoolers to socialize, organize and ‘behave’ in a group setting. Then as academics move to the front of classroom priorities, social curriculum fades.

For our challenging loved ones, who continue to need to hear the information imbedded in those micro steps, school is a baffling and unfriendly place. The student with Asperger Syndrome who loves to be the researcher of the facts for a science project is unaware of the required ‘give and take’ in a cooperative learning group. Because she comes across as overbearing and inflexible, her peers tune her out, exclude her from group membership, and she has lost out on the joys of learning. The smart, active ADHD child has no strategies to contain his impulses and channel his abundant energy into his schoolwork, and so wanders around on the periphery of the learning action though he would really love to be center stage with his talents.

Along with their ‘challenging’ characteristics, every one of our challenging loved ones have their unique and often very charming set of strengths, talents and interests, which they yearn to share with others in some way. However, their behaviors tend to send a different, contradictory, self-sabotaging message. Shemay be solely focused on a preoccupation or her perfectionism. He may be an entrenched avoider, a self-appointed boss, or a full time worrier– or perhaps he does not seem to worry at all about the consequences of his choices. Her super sensitivity to touch or sound may invite alienation. Middle and senior high kids are labeled ‘losers’ because they are seen awkwardly wandering, lost in the halls of their own schools.

These are examples of the kid types who are stuck inside themselves, with their faces pressed upon the windows that look out at the social world of their peers, to whom everything seems to come effortlessly. Their peers know how to fit in and their reward is acceptance. And these challenging children grow up to be adults that also wander–lost in relationships, job settings and their social community. They are stuck in a confusing, isolating place, mostly misunderstood, misread, mysteries to themselves and others. And what they are really communicating through their behavior, is how very difficult it is to adapt to the world around them.

The Hidden Curriculum

What stands between those who are in the action and those stuck on the inside looking out? It has become known as the ‘hidden curriculum.’ They need steady education and specific skill coaching through those micro steps because it is not automatic for them to ‘get’ what is going on and then figure out ‘what happened’ or ‘learn their lessons’ from playing unfair or breaking promises, or ‘hogging’ the scene. In his book, It’s So Much Work to Be Your Friend, Richard Lavoie, M.A. M.Ed., discusses how each school has it own individual culture, which determines the details of the hidden curriculum and thus what it takes to be ‘in.’ He says “Your child is tested on his academic skills every few days, but his social interactions are ‘tested’ and evaluated hundreds of times each day.”

For our challenging loved ones who may have a diagnosis of ADHD, High Functioning Autism or Asperger Syndrome or another that brings with it behavioral challenges, the rules of social acceptance are invisible …until they have the opportunity to learn the micro steps.

What is a Micro Step?

‘Micro steps’ are the very teeny tiniest instructional steps that give the most specific and direct information to help your challenging loved one learn the how-to’s of being social or getting the job done. Micro steps are the missing ingredients that lie between what parents and teachers already know about behavior change, and what is left to insert into their behavior change or social skill-building program. Identifying those essential micro steps can be a very challenging puzzle. Micro skill building is a creative and systematic process where little batches of skills are woven together, with the incredibly wonderful payoff of teaching our challenging loved ones to navigate life independently, appropriately and happily!

The Broad Stroke Skill Sets

Following are some of the wider groups of skills which break down into the micro steps that are key to school and social success:

• self awareness and self reflection
• friendship building
• public appropriateness
• non verbal cues and emotional messages
• consideration: giving it and getting it
• choice and decision making
• mood tools and calming strategies
• putting personal strengths and interests to work
• disappointment and resilience
• handling rejection and bullying

And here are some of the ingredients that put the ‘Art’ into a behavior change program: goals, rules, feelings, rewards, feedback, motivation, structure, natural consequences, feelings of safety and belonging and more…

Exercise: The One Week Question

Here is the very first step in creating a social curriculum: Peer into the life experiences of your challenging loved one.

Spend one whole week focusing on what you see, feel and hear related to one question from the list below. Keep ‘the’ question tucked in the front of your brain, as you go through the regular weekday routines on into the weekend activities. Quietly observe. Collect pieces to the puzzle. Be curious. Wait patiently for information-collecting opportunities. Reflect about what is really going on. Make notes. Remember these are not solution questions. We are not there yet…now the questions:

• What are the biggest obstacles your challenging loved one encounters on a daily basis?
• If you needed to, could you accurately describe what the world is like through the eyes of your challenging loved one? Explore this.
• When the day has gone surprisingly well, can you identify any patterns or differences that might account for the better [and tougher] moments?

The answers you come up with will sharpen your insights about what is really going on. That knowledge will help you define the micro steps and be on your way to artfully customizing and individualizing a successful behavior program for your challenging loved one.