Social Skills and Problem Solving: A Coaching Method for Guiding Your Kids to Solve Problems Wisely
By Ellen Mossman- Glazer M.Ed. Life Skills Coach, Behavior Specialist.

When you want your kids to make better decisions, and especially teens and tweens, they are not going to change until they see that what they are currently doing is not helping them. To help them refashion their vision, you can be the catalyst without being the bad guy.

Use the questions that follow to help your kids grapple with issues important to their lives-getting along with friends, getting homework done or making smart choices in the face of peer pressure. Kids have a lot of wisdom we don’t always see. By posing questions, you guide them to manage their lives without telling them what to do.

Start as young and early as you feel your children are able to handle the thinking process behind these questions. You can adjust language and details for age and developmental stage.

First, Some Dos and Don’ts:

Do not choose topics for these questions that may require you to over rule the decision your child comes up with.

Do: Stay in the present. Your kids know the history very well and getting into past behaviors will just turn them off. You want the focus to stay on growth and future behaviors.

Do not be pushy about getting to the answers–just let them live for a while with the question.

Do: Stay neutral. No judgments. No opinion. No lectures. And no rubbing it in later if they falter. Give them space, time to practice, and to learn what to do with success and failure.

Do not overload. Just one question can be a big bite for your child to chew on for a while.

Do: Introduce the questions gently. You know your child and how much and how receptive he or she is likely to be with your new strategy. Presentation can mean everything here!

Problem Solving Coaching Questions

1. Can you accept the results or consequences of the behavior you are choosing now?

2. Are you thinking short term or long term? Which do you think is the best way to go with this?

3. Can you accept responsibility for whatever happens as a result of your choices?

4. Do you see that behavior is a choice?

5. What do you want one year from now? What do you want one month from now?

6. Is it reasonable to believe what you are currently doing will get you the best thing in the long run?

7. What are you doing now that’s not working?

8. What would you like to do differently in the future?

9. Is what you are doing right now helping you with what you really really want for yourself?

10. What makes you feel proud of yourself?

Now parents, step aside and let your children and these questions take their course. If your kids are receptive to giving you feedback that is great. But you may not need to hear any words; the resulting behavior change will speak to you.

Copyright Ellen Mossman-Glazer 2005. All rights reserved. You are welcome to share or reprint this article, providing it remains as written with all contact and copyright information included along with a link to http://artofbehaviorchange.com This content is coaching and education and not intended to take the place of psychological services, where advised and appropriate.