Ten Tips to Stay Sane and Centered With Challenging Grown Ups at Your Holiday Events
By Ellen Mossman- Glazer M.Ed. Life Skills Coach, Behavior Specialist.

Occasions such as holidays, birthdays, anniversaries or even memorials are ripe opportunities for others’ unhealthy behavior habits to test your boundaries and your integrity. You can love your family or social group like crazy, but there is something about holidays that can bring out the crazy in everyone. There might be a family gathering or an office party that you would rather bow out of, but you decide to go as one of your ‘shoulds,’ trusting your instincts that you better show up at this one. But history may also have taught you that you have to be careful with your truth and your trust. Here are some think ahead pointers that you may find will ring your holiday bells:

  1. Gifts: Be gentle on your bank account and spend within your budget. To keep to your personal limits, it might be best to buy a humbler gift rather than ‘go in’ with someone whose taste may not be in your budget. If you get into lavish or beyond your budget gift giving in order to please others, you are not likely to get any more appreciation than the economical, thoughtfully chosen gift.

  2. Dinners: If you only feel like bringing the jello, only bring the jello. Some families and friends have expectations that do not match your capacity of the moment. They don’t know your life like you do. Take care of yourself and promise only what you can comfortably do.

  3. Spirituality: Do it your way. Sometimes our way of being spiritual grows away from what we were taught or what ‘everyone else’ is doing. Go where you feel you fit. Don’t go. Go inside yourself. Do go it your way.

  4. The Gala: Go and keep it light. Gravitate to the people you are comfortable with. Smile, say please and thank you and talk about the weather. Stay out of the kitchen and you won’t feel the heat. Understay your welcome. Think ahead about predictable behavior patterns from your people groups and plan for it. Leave before you lose it. Leave before you know they‘ll lose it.

  5. Traditions: Sometimes they wear out. Or they are just not uplifting any more. If you used to do something because it was an activity you enjoyed sharing with your grandpa and he’s not here anymore, maybe its time to retire that plan and celebrate life in new ways that fit your life of today. Create new traditions or re-create fondly remembered ones.

  6. Friends: Incorporate friends into holiday plans. Friends are great buffers to keep it light and keep the family charming. What is the definition of ‘friend’? These are the people you choose! They adore you. Take them with you to challenging functions.

  7. The Children: Hang out with them. Kids are real fun people at a party. Or just observe them. Enjoy their delightful honesty, their innocence and their ability to be themselves. Laugh with them. Let them be your models. You model for them healthy social relating.

  8. The Mail: Leave it a mystery if it is the style of your critics to write stuff that is not in the uplifting spirit of the day. Do you open junk mail? If your instincts tell you that you are risking disappointment don’t send junk words to your brain unless you are sure you can dismiss it with an "Oh well that’s who they are." and move your thoughts on.

  9. Self-Talk: Unsolicited inner opinions love to come out on special occasions and replay negative stuff from years gone by. If holiday tension tends to wind up being ‘your fault’ just remember: That is ‘their’ illusion. You know what the right thing is. You will get more respect for staying with WHO you are than you will be trying hopelessly to please.

  10. You: Plan carefully so that your memories are most likely to store feelings of fondness after the festivities. Check in with your intuition. Do your best to go and be where you see joy and peace on the horizon.

 

Copyright Ellen Mossman-Glazer 2005. All rights reserved. You are welcome to share or reprint this article, providing it remains as written with all contact and copyright information included along with a link to http://artofbehaviorchange.com This content is coaching and education and not intended to take the place of psychological services, where advised and appropriate.