Consequences: Not Just Another Word for Punishment
By Ellen Mossman- Glazer M.Ed. Life Skills Coach, Behavior Specialist.

The heartbeat of your behavior change program is your consequences because they help you keep your rules alive. Think of rules as the brains of the operation because they have the information about what behavior is expected. Think of rewards as the legs of the program because they keep things running nicely.

And always think of consequences as not just another word for punishment.

Setting the Scene for Success

Let's presume you have covered these first two basic steps in your behavior change program:

1. You have worked with your child to establish The Rules and why they are important. [Rules may be the specifically set out poster- style guidelines or agreements, or they may be less specific but understood limits and boundaries.]

2. You have worked with your child to establish The Reward System related to following the rules. [Rewards may be tangible items or the natural payoffs and pleasures related to accomplishing the business of life.]

Next, you establish The Consequences. Your kids need to know what will happen when they do and do not do what is expected. Consequences teach that for every action there is a corresponding reaction. That reaction can be of the feel-good type and it can also be negative because something pleasurable is unavailable. Our focus here is to look at the negative side of consequences and what it takes for our challenging loved ones to shift their behavior to the positive, rewarding side.

The Distinctions: Punishment vs. Consequence

They may look the same from the outside, but the internal workings of punishments and consequences are very different.

Here are the distinctions:

• Punishment revolves around who has the power. Punishment encourages a struggle between parent and child.
  Consequences force the child to struggle with the problem, instead of the parent. The power the child does have is to work on a solution.
   
  
• Punishment puts the entire responsibility on the parent. The parent has to be on site to make sure the punishment happens according to plan.
  Consequences take the burden off the parent. The child learns life lessons by taking on appropriate responsibilities for the problem.
   
  
• Punishment teaches a child to conceal and lie. When kids fear punishment, and try to cover up a problem, it layers on additional issues for parents to handle.
  With consequences, your child cannot avoid the results of her behavior. She is has to take action to solve or rectify a matter.

Compare

• Punishment Parent takes away allowance. There is no natural relationship between school work and allowance. Money becomes a way to try to control the child's behavior.
  
• Consequence Your child decides what activity he will have to miss on the weekend in order to finish the project. Chores and other obligations remain as usual. No need for parental control, only to watch over to see that the child handles the problem. Do you see how rule and consequence have a natural connection?

A Case Study: Two Versions

Two children are fighting over a Gameboy. Mom hears this going on in the other room. Mom comes in and takes away the Gameboy, and attempts to separate the kids, sending them to their rooms. They refuse to go. Mom yells and loses her cool. Mom then tries a different tack, telling the children, they will have to split the time each has with the Gameboy, since they can’t share it appropriately. But she decides to first separate them and hear each story and make a judgment call who plays with the Gameboy first. Nothing is solved, the argument carries on until mom and kids are frazzled.

What happened here? Mom took on the responsibility, resulting in a no-win power struggle. The kids did not cooperate with her solution, they challenged her authority, she felt forced to back down and come up with another solution and set herself up for something she has to police - whose first, whose second? The process got time intensive as mom collected and sorted information and after all that, the problem was not solved. That was real punishment – for mom!

Case Study: The Consequence Version

When mom hears the kids fighting, she comes into the room and firmly says, “STOP!” “You must get along before you can have the Gameboy back. The Gameboy will stay on the kitchen table until you can figure out how to share it.” That's it!

What happened this time? Mom handled the conflict, setting out a safety rule for the kids and boundaries about where the Gameboy is to be kept and for how long. But she has not solved the problem. That’s the kids’ job. Mom exits the scene and the kids know the Gameboy is available when they figure out how to share it. Mom is not needed again. And the kids have an opportunity to work out a solution that will carry forward to the next time.

Whether it’s your toddler or your teen, you can hand over the problem-solving to them.

Key Tips for Successful Consequence Planning

1. Don’t make up consequences as you go along. Kids must be clear on what will and will not happen in given circumstances. Pre-plan your consequences and where appropriate, involve your child. You may be amazed at how your kids jump on board identifying their own logical consequences.
 
2. Match up the severity of the consequence with the seriousness of the violation. This does not mean be harsh. It does mean a consequence must be compelling enough for your child to take action. Banishing your child from the kitchen because he spilled the milk –again – is overkill and not too practical but mopping the floor before leaving the kitchen is a match. Eventually he will get tired of spilling and mopping.
 
3. Be consistent, without fail! If you let a consequence slide, or relax your guard because things are getting better, it will be a tough climb uphill to correct. Stop what you’re doing and follow through, no matter what else is going on. When you are wishy-washy, your kids know they can outsmart you. On the other hand, every time you show consistency, you also show credibility and each incident gets easier to handle.
 
4. Stop yourself from impulsively delivering absurd consequences in the heat of your frustration. “You’re grounded for a month!” is probably way overdoing it. A week can be just as effective to a child.
 
5. Threatening what you cannot possibly enforce is the same as saying “I don’t really expect you to listen to me.” Your kids know those buttons well and play a tougher game than you will have the energy to play in return.

Avoid resorting to useless threats. They usually start with phrases such as “From now on --” and “You’ll never --”
 
6. Don’t fall for guilt, debates or self- doubt. That is the time-worn test you must pass. Remember who is the parent here.
 
7. Give second chances –rarely. You can include a first warning system in your program to alert your child that consequences he may not like are on the horizon. And then follow through!
 
8. Practice. Consequencing is one of the toughest parenting and educator challenges, but like other other skills, it becomes comfortable in time. As you see the wonder in how consequences work, you will wonder how you managed before! Your child will learn to respect them and expect them.

Modify When It Will Help Your Child Succeed

With our challenging loved ones with Autism, ADHD, Asperger Syndrome and other LD issues, we must further fine-tune our approach by teaching them the micro skills that may not come naturally but are necessary for success. A child may need:

• more time to process a situation. For this child, it may only be fair to build in warnings.
   
  
• problem solving skills required to come up with solutions to the consequences presented.
   
  
• help to see how flexibility will pay off for her – that cooperation makes the world easier to live in even though it may not be her preferred way of doing something.
   
  
• skills to avoid being taken advantage of so not to wind up with continual consequences.
   
  
• help to not over focus on the rules – for example, kids with Asperger syndrome can get fixated on the rule when paying attention to the consequence is the important part.

Two crucial rules about modifying:
1. Pre-plan. Do not do random, on the spot modifying. Go back to the drawing board and specify changes.
 
2. Talk with your child to make sure the program and changes are well understood.

Copyright Ellen Mossman-Glazer 2005. All rights reserved. You are welcome to share or reprint this article, providing it remains as written with all contact and copyright information included along with a link to http://artofbehaviorchange.com This content is coaching and education and not intended to take the place of psychological services, where advised and appropriate.